Thoughts: In Solitude

A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends. 

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is it like being part of a group of friends? As in, a group you've shared highs and lows with for a very long time till you are very familiar with the personalities of one another?

I've been a loner all my life, even when I surround myself with friends, to the extent I never really felt what it's like to be really involved in a group conversation. Most times, I feel like I'm out of touch with whatever it is they're talking about. Other times, I feel like I'm not supposed to be there in the first place. I feel like a complete stranger to their topic or with the people I talk to.

Whenever I see people coming together just to share laughs or discuss work, I can't help but ask myself: "Is something wrong with me? These people have no problems mingling with each other, while here I am sitting all alone, watching them have a good time from afar rather than be involved with them. Why aren't I part of them?"

Was it nature itself that brought me up to be the lone ranger, or was it something of my own doing? But it can't be. Ever since I was young, I've always made it a point to be a friend to everyone - even if I did get on their nerves sometimes. I've moved on now. The years have provided me with much experience, and I continue to learn to be better than I am. But why does it still feel so tough just to take part in a conversation? Have the years of self-doubt dulled my social skills?

I have a yearning to be part of something. But on many occasions have I isolated myself when the opportunity arises. What compels me to stay away?

Maybe it's because I overcomplicate myself and my problems. Maybe I tell myself that I don't belong too often to the extent I've given into my fear of rejection. Maybe it's my presumption that no one really listens to me, that my voice carries no weight. Maybe it's because I believe no one really cares about what I do or say. Am I right? Where else could I have gone wrong? Or is it mere illusion?

While I offer counsel - however I can - to some who feel the same way, I can't help but feel like I don't know who to turn to when I have my (frequent) episodes of loneliness. I turn to Kuan Yin for answers, but I'm pretty sure she would tell me the answers are closer than I think. I wish that was true. I wish I'd found a solution sooner. Then perhaps I wouldn't be this worried.

Somebody tell me something. I know I worry too much (and I still believe I may have GAD, the cause of all my problems - look it up yourself; here's a hint: it's a psychological disorder) and I'm trying very, very hard to find a remedy. But I can't do it alone.

In fact, another flaw in my character is that I can only feel good about myself if there are people who express their faith in me. I can never reassure myself that I did a good job. I can never be satisfied. And then the cycle continues. Maybe it's an extension of my fear of rejection? I don't know; maybe it is. I could definitely find a way to rise from the ashes again but sooner or later I'll hit another wall like this - like I have countless times already. Only through the close friends I had in those times allowed me to overcome those obstacles.

Do I fear self-destructing? Yes, indeed I do. The last thing I need at any time would be to lose it and descend into madness - a fate much worse than death, IMO. How I actually pressed on would be because of the support I had behind me. My family and friends proved to be of great help in those times. And now with my family facing a crisis of its own, I do hope I can count on my good friends in school and across the country (and even the globe) to lend me a hand in my most dire of times.

Small as they may seem, you know how I tend to over-exaggerate them. I need to be grounded firmly so I don't let my mind wander too far. Slowly, but surely, this 'crisis' of mine would finally be over. This war I've fought for years would finally come to an end.

Hopefully I'll finally get over this lingering problem. God help me, I hope I do.

Turn on your heartlight
Let it shine wherever you go
Let it make a happy glow
For all the world to see
Turn on your heartlight
In the middle of a young boy's dream
Don't wake me up too soon
Gonna take a ride across the moon
You and me
~ Neil Diamond's "Heartlight"

Lastly, a warm thank-you to RJ, Sara, Sandra, Debra, Mabel, Kelly, Said, Rickleus, Jerry and Tihn Chern for being there for me in my troubled times, no matter how small your contribution was. If only there was some other way I could repay you. Cheers!