Sigh

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

All my heart yearns for is to be heard. Is that too much to ask?

But is it my fault for not immersing myself into society? My fault that I'm not letting myself join their conversations? My fault for feeling lost in their chatter? My fault for becoming invisible to every person I know, even when I'm standing right there?

You've answered many of my questions. You've filled in the blanks that I could not fill all this while. But even then, why do I still feel empty inside? What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard to fit in? When I try to be myself, somehow I just blend right into the scenery. (Quite an irony, being the tallest person around here) Am I the only one who's noticed? Or is it because I keep telling myself I don't belong?

I always feel out of place - not just in school, but everywhere else with anyone I know, even my own mother. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if anyone's really listening to me; or if anyone's paying attention to my existence. Hello, I'm right here! Why do you not seem to notice me?

I envy everyone else. They always have a little group of friends with whom they can talk with about anything. Sure, they've built strong bonds of friendship with the rest. I've done that, so why am I not in a clique of my own? Does it mean such bonds are not a paramount requirement to start a group? Or am I not reading between the lines?

I can only have a short conversation span with anyone, unless by chance we're talking about something both parties know of. Once that's done, that's it. It ends there. Again, am I doing it the wrong way?

So is it just me?

It gets to me, all the loneliness. It's not just exam/study stress that's getting me down. Life itself seems to become a challenge. And now that I look, I realized that I've become more reclusive than I used to be in the past. What went wrong? What did I miss?

I know that I have it hard taking advice. How much more counsel are you going to offer me? I'm trying hard to learn from your guidance. And it's very obvious change doesn't happen in an instant. But when you've been a pig-headed jerk all your life, the effort needed to change is greater. I want to change. But I keep disagreeing with myself. I'm caught in a cycle of hatred that has no end.

The war in my mind and my soul still rages on, as fiercely as it always has been. The peace treaty's gone to hell, and I doubt that I'll find peace anytime soon.

I'm in the war of my life

I'm at the core of my life

I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

And fight I will. If I give up now, all the ground I had fought for, every single inch of it, would go to waste. Should I allow myself to waste away?

I'll continually update my status whenever I can. At least I'm being honest with you people. Cheers.