Part III of Friendship Eternal: The Bob Principle

So now you know trust is essential to building and maintaining a healthy friendship, while putting others first than the situation at hand helps preserve the trust. Sure, it all seems like building friendship is as easy as ABC! But wait, you have to consider other things as well. Like when you have a problem with someone, you may take them to heart and not let the situation get in the way. But sometimes, when we lose focus, we might end up bickering in the end.

Now if you haven't practised the Situation Principle yet, let's examine a common situation: you are always locking horns with everybody. It seems every one you know has some problem with you. You have few friends in your circle. You ask yourself many times, "What gives? Why don't they listen?" And you're always preoccupied on worrying about preparing for future conflicts. If you face this a lot, then truthfully, YOU are the problem!

This principle is simple called the Bob Principle. It states that, if Bob has a problem with everybody, then Bob is usually the problem. And that means you're Bob! (Or Bobbie, if you're a girl)

Bobs are easy to find. They are the ones who always starts a fight, know where to look to start a fight, always carry reasons to start a fight, and always receives the most hits in the fight. It's laughable, but it's true. Take me! I've been a Bob for quite a long while in my life, and I didn't realize it until I re-read "Winning With People". Believe me, my first reaction was: "Shit! How did I miss all the signs???" When you're a Bob, you easily miss the signs. And you'll always be filled with resentment, disgust and other negative feelings, but you still won't realize it.

LOL, but that's all over now thankfully. But I can tell you that when you're Bob or Bobbie it's easy for friends to distance themselves from you. Lord help the one who's partnered with a Bob! But unless he/she has all the patience in the world, he/she is definitely gonna be stuck in a fight with Bob every day! Nobody enjoys that feeling. And in most organizations, people who bring up many problems in a meeting may get them from a Bob. So if you end up leading a group of people, and whenever they bring up problems, look for the source. It may just be a Bob in waiting.

Take the fistfights that are commonplace in Taiwan's parliament. How many times have we seen Taiwanese politicians lunge at each other's throats just because of one problem? It's a sad sight. Comical, yes, but sad nonetheless. They'd better use that energy focusing on the people's needs than throwing knucklehead sandwiches at each other.

Now before we get to taking Bob on, ask yourself: am I Bob/Bobbie?

Do you experience conflict almost every day? If you do, then you need to stop fighting and start listening.
Do friends often rub you the wrong way? That means they irritate you. Tell them nicely about problems you might have. Discuss it slowly. Take time to let them slide away.
Do bad things just happen to you all the time? Maybe you're only attracting the negative. Change your polarity in that case!
Do you always say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Watch your words. Think them through. If it's hard to, ask for help. But be nice!

Once you can adjust to your surroundings, then you can take on the other Bobs/Bobbies in your life.

Since you know what they're like, you must approach them nicely. A soft word turneth away wrath. They might just find you pleasant to work with. And yes, that also means you need to be patient. Keep it cool. They may shoot you down with a barrage of flak, but when you can simmer them down they'll know their mistake. Also, make sure you ask them to THINK before speaking:

T: is it True?
H: is it Helpful?
I: is it Inspiring?
N: is it Necessary?
K: is it Kind?

If he/she answers yes to all these questions, then let him/her continue.

However, there are also times when Bob or Bobbie may be so much a trouble that he/she won't be able to change at or even after that time. Give Bob or Bobbie space and continue to treat him/her well but above all else, make sure he doesn't spread his negativity to others within the organization or among your other friends. Believe me, he can be a very dangerous demoralizer.

Do use these approaches to yourself as well if you feel you're really like a Bob or Bobbie. Once you can tackle the Bob or Bobbie problem in you, other Bobs and Bobbies can easily be helped by you. Indeed, people who can relate experiences that are similar to their own have it easier convincing others to do something about their problem as well. So if you know a couple of Bobs or Bobbies in your life, then you should root out their negativity as quickly as possible. After all, no one wants a grumpy pal in their circle of friends!

Cheers!