New Thoughts

Jerk, noun: [Slang] a person regarded as disagreeable, despicable, etc.
(Sourced from Webster's New World Dictionary, published 1995)

This is going to be quite a tell-all.

Have you ever had a day when your good intentions are suddenly warped and twisted just because of a few words or because of one action? I'm sure we've all had our days. Come to think of it, I've had a huge share of those problems.

Frank Sinatra sang: "Regrets, I've had a few./But then again, too few to mention." If I said I had no regrets at all - not a single one ever - then I'd be lying. In fact, I've piled them up in one corner for myself to see. The details are fuzzy, but they're there in my head. What a way to remind myself of all my faults.

Even after a massive fallout, I'd always be the first to simmer down and realize how foolish I was. But of course, at that time, the damage is already done. Can I still mend the wounds? I can only hope so.

If you saw the definition of "jerk" at the start of the post, you'd probably wonder if the term has any connection to me. I've been branded a jerk before, and yes, initially I didn't like it. But in time I decided I shouldn't allow myself to be adversely affected by one word. If people were to consider me to be a jerk, I won't say they're right nor wrong. Nobody is really in the right, let alone the wrong. For all I know, they might be considered a jerk to another person.

So who wants to start pointing fingers? Forget it, you're not going anywhere if you did.

From what I have learned from the tell-all weeks ago, instead of letting myself drown under the weight of the grief and misery generated by my mind - and including the negative feedback from the detractors - I'm gonna have to live with the consequences. It's a fact. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that's what they say.

If I have to live with them, then it's a challenge I should accept. And while they may continue to trouble me for many more weeks, perhaps even months, no matter how much they tug at my mind, I'll have to ignore them if I don't want history to repeat itself.

As Publilius Syrus said: "How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself." I will have to forgive myself for the things I shouldn't have done. All that's left is for them to choose to forgive me.

I can tell you right now, if I could turn back time, there would be so many wrongs that I could right. So many chances I missed that I could take up. So much could be changed for the better! And, in fact, I may even find myself where I belong.

If I could turn back time, so much could have been changed:
I'd never have angered my friends while in Primary and even in Lower Secondary;
I'd never have acted so stupidly back in Form Four;
(All because of muddled emotions; one of the worst mistakes I'd ever done. If ever I could meet her again, I wouldn't hesitate to say sorry for it)
I'd never have let history repeat itself the following year;
I'd probably have avoided a verbal fight with my classmate;
(Thankfully we've mended bridges)
I'd never lost another friend because of my forgetfulness;
(Jean, if you're reading this, I'm terribly sorry. I truly am. A year on and I have never gotten over it. I never should have forgotten Leroy's card, and I wish you would forgive me for it)
I'd have stopped my friend from doing something stupid;
I'd have stopped myself for trusting my 'gut instincts';
I'd never have hurt her - and myself - because of my immaturity;
(You know I mean you; even when you forgave me for it, it will forever remain a black stain in the story of my life)
I'd never have fallen so deep into despair and self-loathing;
(One of the lowest points in my entire life; thank you to those who have helped me find new meaning in my life, and for adding value to it)
I'd never have acted like a jerk and said things I will continue to regret.

And that's just a tip of the iceberg.

Losing a friend is one of the most painful things that I've experienced - twice, maybe thrice considering what I said last Friday. It's like getting stabbed in the heart and adding lots of salt to the wound. And then letting it fester and become gangrenous. That's how much it stings. When am I ever going to permanently remind myself not to break more bonds of friendship?

But all that's in the past now. Best to move on and remember the lessons I've learned on the way.

At the same time, I thank Kuan Yin for being so gracious and caring even when I faced these arduous tests. My strong connection with my religion, though not as strong as it should be, has helped me see through these perilous times. And of course, there's the support from my extended family, who have shown me that it's not the end of the world.

And I pray I won't have to go through these tests anymore; for if I repeat them again then let it be known that my sins shall not be absolved until I find a way to right the wrongs, lest my soul be damned and taken to the bowels of Hell to suffer for all eternity. This I vow.

This I vow.

If you're reading this, I hope I've made certain things clear. I thank those who have shown me they still care, and I will do whatever I can to change for the better.

If you're one of the few people mentioned, whether directly or indirectly, I won't force you to make a decision in an instant. I can't promise that I won't make the same mistake again in future. (And, fingers crossed, it won't!) But if you allow me to find the time and effort to rebuild our broken trust, I will not let this chance slip from my hands anymore. As I have vowed above, if I lose that chance, then it would mean the end of me.

I'll be as open and transparent as I can. If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask. I'll answer the best as I can. And I promise you it'll be nothing but the truth.

And please do me the favor of sharing this. It's intended for all of you: even those who stand divided from me, and for those whom I've already lost. Thank you.

The London Crisis: A Post

For this post, I will take this opportunity to salute and praise the English police forces for their valiant efforts in keeping the rioters at bay in the days that have seen some of the worst rioting throughout the nation in decades, not forgetting the 2009 riot at the G20 summit, where a man was killed by a police officer while trying to control the demonstration.

It's not an easy job, being a policeman - especially in a tumultuous time like this. What started off as small-scale protests eventually flared into nationwide panic that has drowned many parts of London - from Tottenham, Clapham and Catford, to Birmingham, Manchester and Liverpool. Properties are being looted, buildings and cars burned, people attacked - nothing and no one is spared from the wrath of the rioters.

How did all this boil down to this? Everyone has an opinion. Some say it's the youth's discontentment with the economy and/or government. Others say it was an instigated act of violence to topple Prime Minister David Cameron's administration. Few also believe this has a link to racial discrimination. But amidst all the confusion the fact remains the same: Britain is on the verge of a societal collapse. If the crisis is not averted soon, this may end up becoming a scene from Alan Moore's "V for Vendetta", where the public marched in anger against the iron-fisted regime of fictional fascist leader Adam Susan.

But how soon can this crisis be resolved? The Metropolitan Police has its hands full - even with 32,000 sworn officers, 9,000 special constables and community officers, as well as 14,000 civilian staff, they have to raise the numbers on duty to 16,000 in this week. And if that's not enough, officers have to work long hours just to ensure the streets are safe from rioters. Through social media and blogs, officers who have posted in the time of the riots have expressed themselves on what it is like to go through the daily horrors that plague much of London now. One officer, in his Twitter post, said: "Sunday 23hr shift. break pre-briefing + snacks/2 bottles water. No further food/water supplied. Monday 18hr shift. No break/water/food."

Hours later, the same officer posted this: "Been pelted with again with bottles and bricks. Looting happening everywhere. 15hr shift & counting."

PC Richard Stanley posted a picture of stressed out police colleagues resting, their heads slumped on canteen tables, exhausted both mentally and physically after the long, long hours (and days) of hard work through the brutality they face. That image is a very strong message that shows how the police are so seriously affected just to keep order in check across London.

But the police aren't just the only ones being brutalized. Fellow Malaysian Mohammed Ashraf Haziq was attacked and robbed and left to bleed, before being robbed again; Tariq Jahan, killed by looters as he and two Asian friends patrolled their neighbourhood in Birmingham; Polish woman Monika Konzyk, who had to leap from her burning flat set alight by looters; there are many more unnamed and unknown individuals out there who are suffering just as much yet are not given any form of aid, what with the police having their hands full.

Britain is losing face in the eyes of the global community. Many individuals have slammed against Cameron's ineffectiveness; his vacation trip that somehow coincided with his deputy's holiday; the proposed plan to cut the police's budget by about £2 million; and so much more. The nation's credibility as a free, peaceful, democratic nation is being chiselled away by these turn of events - and fast, if I may add. As Monika herself put it after her ordeal: "I thought London was a civilized society full of gentlemen and ladies - but it's not like that. England has become a sick country."

It's becoming a serious mess now, the situation.

But thankfully, there are still a handful of people who still have a heart of gold. These individuals, though not many, come out into the streets to clean up the debris and, for some like Philippa Morgan-Walker and her husband Johnny, handing out light refreshments and snacks to weary officers after battling the protesters for hours without any rest. Others have voiced out their support to policemen who pass by, with some even asking why couldn't the violence be meted out on an equal scale. Even in these dark hours, these few men and women showed that, despite all its faults, Britain is still full of Good Samaritans that has not fully caught the public eye. Even in Clapham Junction, there have been many inspirational scrawlings on walls and such that show how much support the police is receiving from the general public. One quote I like is this particularly vocal one: "You can shatter our glass but not our community!"

Apart from that, Tariq's father Jahan made public his hopes that things would change. Even though his son was killed, he did not demand that revenge was served. His message was clear: "I don't want any of you to fight." He is a prime example we should all salute in the ensuing chaos.

After reading so much about the disorder happening there, it actually made me realize that society has degraded so far in the years that passed. In England itself, a lot of people blame the education system for being the cause of creating so many unruly youngsters. But it's not confined to just the British: many other countries, like that of Libya, Egypt and Syria, are going through anarchy in the people's desperate fight for freedom from tyranny and oppression. As Raja Zarith Idris herself stated in her article in the recent Sunday Star, she has noted that society's attraction to materialistic wealth has taken a big toll on the world community. Moral values and virtues have become a thing of the past now. And that has led to these events.

Even Malaysia itself is a victim of many internal conflicts. But I leave that to the politicians until the next elections.

Raja Zarith Idris's opinions echo very well the problems Mankind needs to overcome before it can achieve peace. I find it very unnerving to read this particular passage in her article, which highlights the truth of our current situation:

A couple of years ago, I was flipping through one of those glossy society magazines and I saw a designer handbag that costs RM90,000. Would I have asked my husband to buy it for me? No, because the sight of those flood victims standing in line to receive just RM500 makes such a purchase sinful. How many families would the cost of that handbag help feed?

We should learn from the mistakes of Britain. Perhaps from there, our road to salvation will be much more uneventful.

Cheers all. And God bless the Met for their continued endeavours to keep London safe.

(Sourced from news reports from Guardian News and Media, The Daily Telegraph and the Sunday Star)

We Are Like Monsters To Each Other

Take a good look in the mirror.

Think of 10 things that make you who you are.

Voice them out loud.

Think of 3 things you feel needs a makeover.

Voice those out loud too.

Process all that you've thought and said.

The time it takes for you to do both has a very large difference.

It's been said before that a person can only say nothing but praise for himself/herself and disgust for others deemed of a lower class in any aspect. Vice versa applies.

Now, think of 20 people you dislike.

From that list cut it down to the top 5 you hate.

Easy?

Now, apart from your parents and your true-to-life BFFs, list 6 people who have changed your life for the better. And I don't mean simple changes. In simple terms, people who brought the MOST PROFOUND changes in you - changes that have shaped you to become someone new, or someone better.

How about that?

Process all that you've thought and said.

Better rearrange your priorities.

On another note (one which is related to this post) I would like all of you to know that if you hate me down to the smallest bone, then I'm not going to make you change. Keep it to yourselves. And keep it up, for all I care. Fuck up my life if it makes you happy. I bend and break like any other ordinary human. But I relish the challenge.

So adieu for now.

Thoughts

Expressing oneself is difficult. While we wish to be heard in the midst of the crowd, not a lot of people actually appreciate it. Being self-centred, they tend to absorb themselves in the belief that no one but them is correct. And most times, not a lot of others actually pay attention. Both reasons are among others on why the world isn't what I hoped it would be.

I daresay that we actually pay heed to the matter, what with all the other stuff we need to focus on.

Me, I'd say communicating still does seem hard. It's not that I can't. It's more of a worry of "saying something at the wrong time in the wrong place". But that's not all. There are probably more reasons as to why I find it hard to communicate. Don't get me wrong, you guys are great people. But, I have to admit there are times when I wonder if we're ever actually REALLY listening to each other. Myself included.

And communicating about ourselves - that's another story. I can tell you I always approach my friends when I'm in doubt or troubled. The advice I get is sound, but most times I always wonder if there could be a better answer waiting out there. But one has to keep looking, or else he may not find it.

And it's not surprising if people misunderstand me. It's normal to, just like how I misunderstand others-  whether by accident or otherwise. I just have to go on and hope an action would make them change their minds.

Life goes on, though. We had best make use of the time we have left.

Cheers for now.

Thoughts: Questions to Ponder

Watched Jack Neo's "I Not Stupid Too" yesterday (from the date of this posting) and had some thoughts at some of the tear-jerking moments.

At the moment, I can only think of this:

Child Negligence
It is indeed our responsibility - well, I mean parents - to take care of one's children. To shower them with love, affection, care and to teach them the meaning of becoming a responsible person when they become adults.

But what if we neglect their needs? What if we just ignore them, too busy with our own work to spend some quality time with them? Or when they do something wrong; do we listen to them first or act out according to the judgment of others or yourself? How do we know we are right?

Like in the movie, when the young boy was caned for stealing, he told his parents he was just saving up "to buy an hour of their time". Why is it only at the last minute when we realize our mistakes?

Think about it.

Entries

Another stop

The train needs a rest

I sit outside

On one of many benches

As I flip through

An old photo album

Harley, the little kitten

Is sitting at my feet

Licking its paw

Nothing much to do

Nor to see

For a cat like him

Footsteps from behind

I turn and see

A familiar face

A smiling man

Dressed neatly in black

"Sit with me, friend"

I tell the stranger

And he does so

With a nod of thanks

"Ah, memories"

Says he, looking at the album

I grin, sheepishly

"Of a bygone era," I reply

He laughs

"Nevertheless

As you reminisce

On those times

Times of joy and laughter

Times of merriment

They will only seem like yesterday"

He looks at

A picturesque scene

Of friendship

By the beach

Pointing out, he asks

"When was this?"

I smile at the memory

"The LTC in 2008"

I said to him

As I recalled those days

"Teluk Batik

A great time it was

Full of seemingly endless joy

Of lasting friendships forged

Of silly little moments

Of laugh-out-loud ones too

Of fun and games

Of staying up late

Of cracking jokes

Learning new lessons

The list goes on"

The stranger nods

Fully attentive

Absorbing everything I say

When I am done

He speaks:

"Ever thought of a reunion?"

I laugh

"Not at the moment

Though I've always thought of one

Everyone is away

From where I am

And only a handful

Are close by"

"Well then,"

He said, thoughtfully

Only a moment later

(Does he compute everything

So quickly in his mind?)d

"Just remember

They are far at sight

But close at heart

Though the distance is great

And though Time keeps us

From staying in touch

Frequently

At least remember

You are still their friends

As they are yours

Never forget

Friendship takes time to build

But when it is built

It lasts a lifetime"

"Take heart

In time, you all will be reunited

Not at the moment

But in future

This as much

I am sure"

He pats me on the back

Gently

With a warm smile

His trademark smile

"I have to leave now

But you do have other visitors"

He stood up

My eyes following him

As he walks away

I notice some friends

Headed my way

And they wave

Frantically

I wave back

Still smiling

As the day comes to a close

I pen it all down

And I make sure

I reminisce the good ol' days

Reminisce the glorious past

Reminisce

Words

Had a thought

Is the past comparable to the present?

Sure, most cases allow it.
But then again
There are times the past and the present
Well, they don't mix.
Not in the slightest.

We can never compare
How Life was
When we were much younger
Like when we are in school.
We think of friends then
And the situations we went through
But it cannot really compare
To what is in the present.

Like, for example,

Form Six and Form Five.

Both have different ways.

Different syllabuses.

Different teachers.

Can we really say

Things are a whole lot better

Then compared to now?

Yes, it seems so.

But now

You're in a different world

With a different set of rules.

It's not easy

Looking for similarities.

And if you're from another school

Can there really be a comparison?

Well, maybe.
There's always a fine line
Somewhere.

In the end,

Should we continue to gripe

And go nowhere

And get really frustrated

Over things that are actually in our control?

Change your views.
It might help.

A True Story

Here's something from John C. Maxwell's "Winning With People":

'Author and speaker Dan Clark recalls that when he was a teenager, he and his father once stood in line to buy tickets for the circus. As they waited, they noticed the family immediately in front of them. The parents were holding hands, and they had eight children in tow, all well behaved and all probably under the age of twelve. Based on their clean but simple clothing, he suspected that they didn't have a lot of money. The kids jabbered about the exciting things they expected to see, and he could tell that the circus was going to be a new adventure for them.

'As the couple approached the counter, the attendant asked how many tickets they wanted. The man proudly responded, "Please let me buy eight children's tickets and two adult's tickets so I can take my family to the circus."

'When the attendant quoted the price, the man's wife let go of his hand, and her head drooped. The man leaned a little closer and asked, "How much did you say?" The attendant again quoted the price. The man obviously didn't have enough money. He looked crushed.

'Clark said that his father watched all of this, piut his hand in his pocket, pulled out a twenty-dollar bill, and dropped it on the ground. His father then reached down, pickd up the bill, tapped the man on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, sir, this fell out of your pocket."

'The man knew exactly what was going on. He looked straight into Clark's father's eyes, took his hand, shook it, and with a tear streaming down his cheek, replied, "Thank you, thank you, sir. This really means a lot to me and my family."

'Clark and his father went back to their car and drove home. They didn't have enough money to go to the circus that night, but it didn't matter. Because they had put themselves in the place of others, they had done something more important.'

Would you do the same if you were in Clark's father's shoes? If it really did happen in a different situation, would you extend such courtesy?

Think about it.

Who Are You?

A random quote:

You may be famous, but you may not be known;

You may be known, but you may not be famous.

So, what's it mean?

Even though the entire community, company or organization knows your name, your talents and your actions, it doesn't necessarily mean that they know the real you. They do not know your essence that makes you you. In the end, what others say and think will influence them to think or say it that way too. So if they see you as a miscreant, a felon, then you'd be seen like that by everyone. Your infamy knows no bounds at that time.

On the other hand, you may be known by a lot of people. In hindsight, it means you've a lot of friends. But does that make you popular? Do people listen to you when you speak? Though they know you from the inside and outside, do they bother to follow your lead? Will you be able to make them follow your march? How long will the momentum last, in that case?

Think about that.