Words

Everything I know is wrong

Everything I do it just comes undone

And everything is torn apart

Oh and that's the hardest part

But it's all part of the learning process, isn't it?

All these years there has been a lingering sense of failure in me whenever I did something wrong. Some days I still feel that.

But like I said, we live and we learn. That includes me, too, despite what I tell myself.

I could feel it go down

Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth

Silver lining in the clouds

Oh and I

I wish that I could work it out

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to escape this mad cycle. It's not impossible. Time and time again, I've come close to breaking out,  but circumstances push me back close to where I first started.

It's a rough and tumble journey, and I can't say that I'm not any wiser than before. Experience has made me a better man, but still there's a  long way to go.

I know something is broken

And I'm trying to fix it

Trying to repair it

Any way I can

If I had not opened myself to change, would I have reached this stage? I highly doubt it. I was nothing but trouble. I still am, but at least not to  such an extent that I'd be dire situations all the time.

Much of what is broken is now repaired. I just hope those that seem permanently irreparable are still able to be fixed.

Maybe the answers still elude me?

Or maybe the answers are right there in front of me, yet I am blind to them?

For all I know, that could be it. It means I need to get my eyesight corrected.

Lord I don't know which way I am going

Which way the river's going to flow

It just seems that upstream I keep rowing

Still got such a long way to go

The world can rob us of every single inch - except one. One tiny, fragile inch that they can never take away from us, no matter how they try. It  cannot be bought, nor sold, nor given away. We must never lose it at all.

There is no price for the freedom of the self.

But am I truly free?

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

There are still shackles holding me down. Guilt, burdens, fears - human emotion itself seems to have turned against me. The mind is raging against the soul.

There is no equilibrium. Balance needs to be restored.

Freedom has yet to be found. Four solid walls prevent me from leaving my cell.

My song is love

Is love unknown?

And I've got to get that message home

But freedom seems so close. I can taste it in the air. And oh, how sweet it is.

How much do I have to risk to find freedom?

Maybe you'll get what you wanted

Maybe you'll stumble upon it

Everything you ever wanted

In a permanent state

In time. I believe that my time is soon.

The journey isn't over, after all. Whoever said it was? Only a fool would think he has had it made.

Not just yet, friends. It's always, always the beginning.

And who can say what the risks are? I say, 'bring them on!'

Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost

Doesn't mean I'll stop

Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Perhaps the enlightenment I seek will be gained tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe in the next decade, or the next half a  century. I don't know.

But I'll still wait for that message.

It will come.

I just got lost

Every river that I've tried to cross

And every door I ever tried was locked

Ooh-oh

And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

Freedom, come embrace me in thine arms, and take me to the paradise I long for.

"Oh, beauty, 'til now I never knew thee."

Gravity release me

And dont ever hold me down

Now my feet won't touch the ground

A Bold Plan!

I have lots of plans, but I just wonder if they'll work out the way I want them to.

One of these plans is to start up a blog for one purpose: introduce budding Malaysian writers to the world. I even thought up of the name for the blog: Writer's Block.

LOL. Well, I might think of another name. It's still work in progress, after all.

And hey, it might just work.

All I need are (a lot of) volunteers: people who can help administrate the blog, add content, update the blog regularly, plus sponsors, editors, proof readers, subject matter experts, academic professionals, and of course a steady stream of future authors to contribute their work regularly.

All are welcome to help out whatever way they can. And it'd be great if you can pull in some sponsors and even real authors to give some help and publicity. I think I'll contact the Star and see if they can lend a hand, too. Fingers crossed.

Once the blog is up and running, then we can start spreading word of it to friends, family and whoever wants to contribute. Heck, someday somebody's piece might expand to become a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel!

And when more support is given, we can expand and accomodate more activities: workshops, seminars, public activities - I mean, who knows what might just crop up? I'm thinking setting up a fund for the poor and underprivileged communities, book fairs, book giveaways; the possibilities are endless!

Of course, small steps first.

Now you must be asking why I want to do this. There's a temptation to reply "Why, cannot ah?" but of course, that doesn't explain anything. Well, it just got me thinking: I'm definitely not the only one who wants to write novels as good as King, Ludlum, Lovecraft (I mean, why not?), Clancy, Adams, Clarke and many others. There are lots of others whose writing prowess is waiting to be revealed. So why not start a platofmr for them? There haven't really been many initiatives that I know of, and most of them basically involve getting more people to read, or competitions organized in school. (Sorry, I haven't done much research on this at the time of publication >< guilty as charged!) So maybe this may just open up new windows for these people.

Yeah, I really am quite fired up for this. But I can imagine that it won't be easy. But even if simple men and women can think of revolutionary new ideas that have successfully made the world better, why can't I?

So if any one of you are willing to contribute, PLEASE do! It might just give us a chance at changing things for the better!

Thoughts: What's Happened To The REAL Michaelian Spirit?

How it saddens me that the Michaelian Spirit has become debased, flawed and tainted by the student community that comes and goes through their time here in the prestigious institute that is St. Michael's.

How has it come to this, I ask?

The real Michaelian Spirit has been buried beneath the taint that it now wears around its shoulders. It now carries a most dishonorable reputation among the Ipoh folk, for whenever they hear the name of our school, rather than remember it as the premier school it is known as in the past, parents dread to hear of its name and the notoriety of its students.

They whisper to one another, "That boy is from St. Michael's? I can't believe his parents would actually send him to that God-forsaken school. It almost seems like the students run the institution, not the teachers!"

The real Michaelian Spirit is an extension of the virtues that De La Salle and his fellow Brothers practise and preach during their times in educating the lost, the last, the least and the lonely. It also encompasses the moral values we Asians are proud of, thus creating a peaceful, pleasant atmosphere between the students and their teachers.

After all, wasn't this the very school that created the leaders of today? Wasn't this the school that saw the rise of numerous sporting legends, corporate figures, top executives and the like? Wasn't this school renowned for its exceptional student leaders? Wasn't this school a formidable force in debating?

How the times have changed. Today, the near-century old school is nothing but a shadow of its former glory. Its walls are defaced with pointless graffiti. Its paint is peeling away at the hands of unscrupulous kids. Its hallways filled with the loud chatter of boys and girls in the classes, or of students running from one end to the other, engaging in races and other games. Fights often break out when it is least expected. Teachers have a hard time controlling the situation, which is slowly taking a toll on them in more than one way.

These problems were unheard of in the past. During the tenure of the Brother-Directors, I'd say the cane was the final resort when it comes to disciplinary cases. (Brother Pius is to be thanked for introducing it into circulation in SMI) Where once it was THE symbol of fear in the hearts of students, now it has become nothing more than a symbol of office for disciplinary teachers, a tool to "discipline" rowdy/indignant students who don't seem to be fazed by it. What happened?

Even when SMI DID face critical issues on gangsterism, the much-loved former principal Mr Louis was the one who stepped in and changed everything for the better. In fact, the school flourished under his capable leadership. He was, after all, a former Michaelian who was dedicated in keeping the real Michaelian Spirit alive and burning in the hearts and minds of the students. Upon his departure, things only went downhill. And among the early victims included our Michaelian Spirit.

So why should our school, a premier institute of education proud of the rich La Sallian history behind its existence, suffer from such social degradation? While I cannot deny that there are certain parties who don't seem to give a hoot about our school's condition, neither the building nor the good reputation the Brother-Directors left behind shouldn't be allowed to be tarnished.

So, what has happened to the Michaelian Spirit? Has it finally died, poisoned by the actions of the new young generations? Nay, it's just lost in translation, another victim in the declining social environment here in Malaysia, sharing the same fate as many other different scenarios. (All of them related to local culture and the like) There's no telling when the real Michaelian Spirit will ever return. But looking at the school's current sorry state, I doubt it will ever resurface.

Someone please do something.

Sigh

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

All my heart yearns for is to be heard. Is that too much to ask?

But is it my fault for not immersing myself into society? My fault that I'm not letting myself join their conversations? My fault for feeling lost in their chatter? My fault for becoming invisible to every person I know, even when I'm standing right there?

You've answered many of my questions. You've filled in the blanks that I could not fill all this while. But even then, why do I still feel empty inside? What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard to fit in? When I try to be myself, somehow I just blend right into the scenery. (Quite an irony, being the tallest person around here) Am I the only one who's noticed? Or is it because I keep telling myself I don't belong?

I always feel out of place - not just in school, but everywhere else with anyone I know, even my own mother. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if anyone's really listening to me; or if anyone's paying attention to my existence. Hello, I'm right here! Why do you not seem to notice me?

I envy everyone else. They always have a little group of friends with whom they can talk with about anything. Sure, they've built strong bonds of friendship with the rest. I've done that, so why am I not in a clique of my own? Does it mean such bonds are not a paramount requirement to start a group? Or am I not reading between the lines?

I can only have a short conversation span with anyone, unless by chance we're talking about something both parties know of. Once that's done, that's it. It ends there. Again, am I doing it the wrong way?

So is it just me?

It gets to me, all the loneliness. It's not just exam/study stress that's getting me down. Life itself seems to become a challenge. And now that I look, I realized that I've become more reclusive than I used to be in the past. What went wrong? What did I miss?

I know that I have it hard taking advice. How much more counsel are you going to offer me? I'm trying hard to learn from your guidance. And it's very obvious change doesn't happen in an instant. But when you've been a pig-headed jerk all your life, the effort needed to change is greater. I want to change. But I keep disagreeing with myself. I'm caught in a cycle of hatred that has no end.

The war in my mind and my soul still rages on, as fiercely as it always has been. The peace treaty's gone to hell, and I doubt that I'll find peace anytime soon.

I'm in the war of my life

I'm at the core of my life

I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

And fight I will. If I give up now, all the ground I had fought for, every single inch of it, would go to waste. Should I allow myself to waste away?

I'll continually update my status whenever I can. At least I'm being honest with you people. Cheers.

More Thoughts

I confess: lately I've become ever more distant than my classmates than I should. I've noticed that ever since I've begun to see things from a new light, the more I know the further I get from USS3. It hasn't escaped my sight. I know this is happening. Am I powerless to stop it?

Not at all.

Yes, the distance between me and my class is probably as wide as... well, not the Grand Canyon, of course. But it's no surprise, really. Over the months, I've been doing and saying things I shouldn't have - and many that I regret - and in between I've also begun to adopt very radical changes in my life that, I dare say, I would never have thought to adopt. It's like they said: "When you change, you don't stick around with the old. You naturally move on."

Am I right to say that my change has only widened the rift between all my classmates?

It's both yes and no.

Why yes?
Like what I said above, change moves you onward. Whatever that you embraced may or may not remain in you when you make that transition. While I cannot deny many of the Science 3 people have been great friends (you know who you are) I'm afraid that there are some aspects which I cannot fit in well. Don't get me wrong, all of you are wonderful people - full of different personalities that have helped color the class. Unfortunately, that's the reason why I have started to float away. The color I possess will only darken things.

And who wants a whiner in their group anyway?

So if I've been quite the introvert with you guys, then my humblest apologies. But I can't promise I'll try to fit in. I might not. I might never.

And why no?
Only a small handful know that this change I'm going through is necessary. And I have Yoon to thank for his support, both explicit and implicit. If it wasn't for him, I may have dropped out. In fact, it's an irony that I had to force him not to!

Forgive me for the sins I've committed, dear God. And I pray that you, my friends, will know my errs and absolve them from me, for I have seen my faults and I wish to repent. And I do not intend to be like what my father is now, damn his soul. I never intended to walk in his shoes and leave a path of destruction like he has.

Cheers all.

Time Flies

And yes, Time has flown by so quickly.

I've just managed to view Mabel's commemorative tribute to her three-year old blog. It only seemed like yesterday when we started our respective blogs, hasn't it?

To me, blogging still remains a new experience for me.

Well, unless you think my two years in blogging do not make me a relatively new blogger.

Truth be told, I've had an old blog before this, but that was when I was still a naive, young kid. It ended pretty quickly. But at least I picked up the pieces and moved on.

According to Blogger, I've been a part of them since February 2007. Wait, seriously?

Believe it!

Oh yes, that's... pretty surprising. Heck, I don't even remember being part of them since then!

Unless it also included me being part of the Gmail family. Who knows?

Unfortunately, I don't have the time to actually do a big commemorative piece for "I Am..." (formerly known as "Life Is...") but maybe I'll consider one next year, when I have all the time to do it.

In the meantime, cheers!

(:

This one goes to you, dear anonymous friend.

Honestly, I don't know who you are, but your trips to my blog are much appreciated. Though it's been a while since your last visit, the few comments you left on my Chatbox were very much insightful and inspiring as well. So thank you.

Have we met? Do we know one another personally? It would be a great pleasure if you and I could meet up one day over a cup of hot chocolate, sharing thoughts and laughs.

Why not?

Cheers for now.