Updates... and A Farewell For Now

Came back from KL yesterday. Though it was quite disheartening to have been unable to meet my friends, I still had a good time in the capital.

First went to KLCC just to head to Kinokuniya - not to mention getting distracted by Toys 'r' Us because of Lego.

Went to Amcorp Mall the next day to get some bargain books. Bought myself a Neal Asher sci-fi novel, though I was disappointed that they didn't have copies of Frank Herbert's amazingly-written Dune, as well as some little souvenirs for Mom and some good friends of mine.

The following day had me going to 1U, though I found it to be immensely boring without any company.

And in between, gaming on my brother's recently upgraded computer. Haha, the gamer in me refuses to go away.

Now here I am at the La Salle Centre, posting what may be my final entry for the blog - well, for now.

While I can't deny posting on this blog has been quite fun, especially when I get some brainstorm for the next post, it's sad that the messages I try to convey (try as hard as I may) don't reach out to my intended audience. So for the time being, this blog will no longer be updated.

Unless the urge to blog comes back once in a while.

So thank you to those who have been supporting my blog all these years.

And cheers to all of you in your future endeavors.

See you guys soon.

You And I

You and I...

It's best that we don't stay friends anymore.

Perhaps I'm being self centred. But still, you and I, we're not going anywhere. It's only pointless words going back and forth between each other.

Best that we go our own separate ways so that neither party gets hurt by the words that may be said.

And to be honest, after that fateful day, you and I have lost that friendship we once shared. I cannot explain how or why.

All I know is that you and I can never go back to the days when we first met.

I guess we changed. One way or another.

Farewell.

Am I True To Myself?

Something came to mind when I saw two friends of mine the other day:


Am I expecting more from my friends than I should?

I would think so.

But no one can look after each of his friends all the time, no?

Maybe it's still that I need to find a way to get over my low self-esteem.


And a battle inside me to win too.

It's a long climb. But hell, if I don't do it now, I'll never get over it.

Small steps.

Cheers.

Words

Everything I know is wrong

Everything I do it just comes undone

And everything is torn apart

Oh and that's the hardest part

But it's all part of the learning process, isn't it?

All these years there has been a lingering sense of failure in me whenever I did something wrong. Some days I still feel that.

But like I said, we live and we learn. That includes me, too, despite what I tell myself.

I could feel it go down

Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth

Silver lining in the clouds

Oh and I

I wish that I could work it out

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to escape this mad cycle. It's not impossible. Time and time again, I've come close to breaking out,  but circumstances push me back close to where I first started.

It's a rough and tumble journey, and I can't say that I'm not any wiser than before. Experience has made me a better man, but still there's a  long way to go.

I know something is broken

And I'm trying to fix it

Trying to repair it

Any way I can

If I had not opened myself to change, would I have reached this stage? I highly doubt it. I was nothing but trouble. I still am, but at least not to  such an extent that I'd be dire situations all the time.

Much of what is broken is now repaired. I just hope those that seem permanently irreparable are still able to be fixed.

Maybe the answers still elude me?

Or maybe the answers are right there in front of me, yet I am blind to them?

For all I know, that could be it. It means I need to get my eyesight corrected.

Lord I don't know which way I am going

Which way the river's going to flow

It just seems that upstream I keep rowing

Still got such a long way to go

The world can rob us of every single inch - except one. One tiny, fragile inch that they can never take away from us, no matter how they try. It  cannot be bought, nor sold, nor given away. We must never lose it at all.

There is no price for the freedom of the self.

But am I truly free?

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

There are still shackles holding me down. Guilt, burdens, fears - human emotion itself seems to have turned against me. The mind is raging against the soul.

There is no equilibrium. Balance needs to be restored.

Freedom has yet to be found. Four solid walls prevent me from leaving my cell.

My song is love

Is love unknown?

And I've got to get that message home

But freedom seems so close. I can taste it in the air. And oh, how sweet it is.

How much do I have to risk to find freedom?

Maybe you'll get what you wanted

Maybe you'll stumble upon it

Everything you ever wanted

In a permanent state

In time. I believe that my time is soon.

The journey isn't over, after all. Whoever said it was? Only a fool would think he has had it made.

Not just yet, friends. It's always, always the beginning.

And who can say what the risks are? I say, 'bring them on!'

Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost

Doesn't mean I'll stop

Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Perhaps the enlightenment I seek will be gained tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe in the next decade, or the next half a  century. I don't know.

But I'll still wait for that message.

It will come.

I just got lost

Every river that I've tried to cross

And every door I ever tried was locked

Ooh-oh

And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

Freedom, come embrace me in thine arms, and take me to the paradise I long for.

"Oh, beauty, 'til now I never knew thee."

Gravity release me

And dont ever hold me down

Now my feet won't touch the ground

NO?

Is it really that difficult to say NO to something?

I've heard of people who can never say it to a friend when the friend is a-calling. They just drop whatever it is they're doing at the moment and  dash off to wherever their friend is. But that's not all: asking for favors, lending money and God knows what else. They just go with it, even if it  means inconveniencing yourself or others.

Is it that hard to draw the line when it comes to saying NO?

Even I know when to say YES or NO. If it's in my means, I'll say YES. If not, the opposite applies. If I'm uncertain, I always say I cannot  promise anything. And yes, I always say that. I make it a point never to make promises unless I know I can keep them. I've broken a few  before, and I don't want history to repeat itself.

So c'mon, if they're asking you to join them for a boys' night out for the umpteenth time, just say 'No thanks' - especially if there's something  that needs to be done at home, or if you've already promised your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/family that you'd take them out. Imagine how  frustrated they'd be if you just ditched them at the last moment. How'd you feel if that happened to you?

NO. It's just one word. Shouldn't people be exercising their use of the word when it needs to be said?

How many of us do?

Cheers all.

From A Movie Point-of-View

How many of you watched the golden Disney classic, Mary Poppins? I won't be surprised if most of you did and the others haven't.

I grew up watching that live-action 50s musical film starring Julie Andrews and Dick van Dyke, and just recently I watched it again. Now that I realize it, this movie is probably one of a few that still leaves fond memories in my mind - ones I remember even till now.

Basically, the plot is simple: it's 1910 in London, and the Banks family is looking to hire a nanny to care for their two children, Jane and Michael. When Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way, steps into their lives, along with a little help from her charming old friend Bert, things begin to take a twist for the good of not just the kids, but even the entire Banks household themselves.

How it still manages to retain its charm even up to today is pretty obvious: it's one of those movies that had Walt Disney's touch to it. In fact, the movie did so well that it won five out of the thirteen Academy Award nominations it had received, including Best Actress for Julie Andrews (TRIVIA: she was originally intending to act in My Fair Lady, which was the Disney film's biggest contender in the awards, but the role was given to screen siren Audrey Hepburn) and Best Song for the very lively Chim Chim Che-Ree.

But I'm not here to discuss the entire length of the movie. What I am focusing on is the movie's central theme: the importance of family.

Mr Banks is an officer working for the Dawes, Jones, Mousely, Grubbs Fidelity Fiduciary Bank (yes, I know, it's quite a mouthful) and like most working adults, works from 9am to 5pm. (Presumably, since he's always home at 6pm) Also, like most working adults, he has little time to actually care for the children. Mrs Banks, however, doesn't have the time to do so either, as she's actively involved with the infamous suffragette movement that was fighting for women's rights in that time period. Hence, the family's need for a nanny. It's been mentioned that they've already gone through five nannies, and all of them have given up trying to control the kids.

But Jane and Michael are just like ordinary kids: they want to have fun, and as much fun as they can. Most parents would do whatever they can to make time for the children, but unfortunately for these two, Mr Banks is a man of discipline. Not to the extent of caning the children, but he's never given them any time to go out and play. The few songs he sings give him the impression of a man who takes things seriously - including how important it is to educate the children on the world.

Even Mrs Banks is powerless to persuade him. He is the master of the house, and that cannot be disputed. (Ironic, isn't it, as she's part of the suffragette movement but can't even speak her mind to her own husband)

Mary Poppins is quite the contrary. Hence, Mr Banks' disagreement with her methods. But if it wasn't for Poppins' steadfastness, she wouldn't have stayed with the children for long. And if it wasn't for her, the Banks family would never have come together.

The Banks family's situation mirrors family life in the modern world. With parents stuck in a pursuit for material wealth, they abandon their children without any care. Day in and day out, all modern parents think about is putting food on the table, giving the best that education can offer, and run in and out of their home to make ends meet.  What about the kids, neglected at home, without any love from their parents? It's worse if their parents are stern disciplinarians or are abusive to their children, or if the children themselves fall prey to the dark side of life.

Which has happened all too frequently.

Jane and Michael have to thank Mary Poppins for keeping them safe. But for most of us, we don't have a nanny like her to look after us. Some parents rely on our grandparents (I was cared for by my grandmother whenever mum and dad were away, but thankfully I live in a tight family) to look after us. Others rely on maids. And when all else fails, parents go to their relatives. But even so, the news continues to publish sad stories of domestic violence, child abuse and other related cases almost every day. Who can you really trust?

It's a grim world we live in.

While Mr Banks finally managed to turn things around (thanks to both Mary and Bert) and start enjoying life with his family - he took them out to fly a kite - real parents can't afford such a luxury. Time is not on their side, not like it used to be. They've become slaves to their jobs, and the young ones are always the ones who suffer, whether they know it or not. They don't know what to do without their parents to guide them. And this is why so many have already fallen victim to the vices of life.

It's high time these parents be enlightened. Else, how many other children are going to suffer?

Post-Convention Thoughts

Change brings opportunity. ~ Nido Qubein

The 21st National La Sallian Leaders' Convention came and went just like that. Time really flies, doesn't it?

When we first came together on the 16th of December, none of us knew what was in store for us. Well, maybe except myself. Even though this would mark the first time I came for the Convention, I had quite a bit of knowledge on what to expect thanks to early exposure to the La Sallian spirit and values and through my time from organizing this year's Northern Regionals. Of course, the most important thing that would come to us would be change. But where are we to change? Which explains why I came for the Convention: how are we going to change and make a difference? I wanted to know. Hopefully, I would know just where to start.

The Heritage play struck me the most throughout the entire Convention. I'd seen one and helped direct another, but none could compare to how the performance stayed very faithfully to the real La Sallian story. It was from that onwards that I knew I was bound to be awakened to something new in the next few days, something that I never really noticed or learned up till now. That was an opportunity I knew I had to seize.

And I was right. All our sessions, games and reflections helped each and every one of us realize how our world is suffering at the hands of the ignorant, the sinful and such others. They challenged our thinking, our beliefs, our principles. They made us see how real these problems are. They made us realize that change is a must to make things better. They made us realize we are not alone in this noble mission.

Change means that what was before wasn't perfect. People want things to be better. ~ Esther Dyson

In between, there were definitely moments of fun and laughter. Lame jokes, IQ tests and sharing sessions allowed us to build new bonds of friendship between fellow La Sallians. And I must admit that the sessions I led after the end of the day were kinda spontaneous. I only believed that each and every one of us has something to share. So why not allow that voice to come out to the fore?

And as I have said many times, my enthusiasm was at its peak. Never have I actually unleashed so much energy in any other camp I've been to. What made me do it? I don't even know why. But I'm glad that I did it. I'm glad I got the ball rolling for everyone.

And as the days rolled by, I stopped once in a while to check my affirmation pouch. Honestly, you guys and girls honor me with your affirmations, and I was pleasantly surprised to see how many I have at the end of the day. I never intended to be affirmed for my deeds. I only wanted everybody to just feel proud of what they learned and to go out into the world with their eyes open.

And I never thought I'd say this: 'Open your eyes, ears, heart and mind, and you can make that change.' I told Wei Kit that, and in hindsight, I didn't really understand how I said that to him. But now that I look back, I must say it was my experiences that helped me form those words.

I guess change came in the most surprising of ways to me.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ~ Leo Tolstoy

Most of us really think we can one day change the world. I hope that Convention made you realize that only when you start from within can you really help the world.

My parents were instrumental in making sure me and my elder brother learned good moral values that have shaped the way we see the world. We used to live a comfortable life, and back then, I wasn't the person I am now. Time has its ways of changing a person. The events that I had to go through brought me new insights to what Life is really all about. And I'm thankful I had to go through all those to reach where I am now.

Now I live a simple life, and I do confess it's not as easy as it once was. But me and my family get by. Besides, I'm thankful I come from a caring family. Though things haven't really been looking up and may just become better than before.

Another thing I'll point out is that, honestly, I'm quite socially inept, especially with women. Ironic? There are just times when I say or do things that are (a) said at the wrong time; (b) lame; (c) misinterpreted; and a few other reasons. And I'm saying this based on personal experience. I've lost - and almost lost - friends because of that, and even now I regret my actions. So if I did say or do something without realizing its damaging effect, I offer my sincerest apologies. I'm pretty much at war with myself, but rest assured that I'm not intending on giving up.

It's all about accepting change. And I'm glad I accepted it.

Before we acquire great power we must acquire wisdom to use it well.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

When the last day came, it was indeed a very sad occasion. But despite that, I'm very happy. I'm overjoyed, really! Finally, we've come to our journey's end - but it's only the end of the Convention. Once you return home and return to school, then you're back to reality. That marks the beginning of a new journey: one that may lead us across numerous obstacles. But as long as we hold on to our beliefs and make that leap of faith, surely nothing, not even a force of nature, can stop us.

Of course, I cannot deny there will be times when all seems hopeless. I assure you, change is never easy. But if you are willing to make sacrifices, then by all means do it. If you have doubts, confide in your friends. We have the Facebook group not just to keep everyone connected. Use it to share your doubts, your sorrows, your victories, your lessons learned. It's a platform to remind us that what we do is for the greater good of all. Altruistic love is what we practise.

I have this quote I'd like to share, found on the tomb of an Anglican bishop of the 11th Century:

When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lay on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.

Small steps. Small steps are capable of making that difference. Now that we know ourselves, it's high time we took all that we've learned to walk the talk and hopefully bring about the change we want to see. If we agree that another world is possible, then I can tell you that it starts from us. Don't think of today as another one in paradise. Paradise isn't here yet. We need to work for it.

Are you with me and the La Sallian dream? Then let's make that step forward together as a family. And let us not forget there are thousands of others out there who share in our dream. Let's unite them as well and make the difference.

Understanding someone properly involves learning from him, and learning from someone properly involves changing oneself.
~ Hans Kung

Before I end, I'd like to affirm each and every one of you who participated in the Convetion whether as a Delegate, an accompanying teacher, an OT or even as a facilitator. I may not have talked to you much, nor would I have been able to write to each of you, but let me make it clear that I acknowledge you for who you are. No matter what our background may be, we are all the same. I am, you are, we are La Sallians. Never forget that!

And lastly, I will set up a blog for ourselves to be used as a platform for sharing other insights, personal experiences, projects and such that we could not shared throughout the Convention. Your contributions to this new blog - which I will name Journeying With The Dream - will be very important to helping everybody remember our mission and our responsibilities, as well as learn new lessons that will be key in making their dreams come true. Please feel free to email me with your stories and I will do my very best to publish them on this blog. If you do not know my email, drop by the blog once its complete. You'll definitely find it listed there.

Also, for those who have regular Internet access (I don't have any at home) and are willing to lend a hand, please let me know first hand. I need other administrators who can receive and publish stories on the blog whenever I'm not online. This blog might just be that first step in starting a chain reaction for the better.

Signum Fidei, brothers and sisters! And until the next time we meet, good luck and God bless.

...do all the good you can
to all the people you can
in all the ways you can
as long as ever you can
~ D.L. Moody

Thoughts: What's Happened To The REAL Michaelian Spirit?

How it saddens me that the Michaelian Spirit has become debased, flawed and tainted by the student community that comes and goes through their time here in the prestigious institute that is St. Michael's.

How has it come to this, I ask?

The real Michaelian Spirit has been buried beneath the taint that it now wears around its shoulders. It now carries a most dishonorable reputation among the Ipoh folk, for whenever they hear the name of our school, rather than remember it as the premier school it is known as in the past, parents dread to hear of its name and the notoriety of its students.

They whisper to one another, "That boy is from St. Michael's? I can't believe his parents would actually send him to that God-forsaken school. It almost seems like the students run the institution, not the teachers!"

The real Michaelian Spirit is an extension of the virtues that De La Salle and his fellow Brothers practise and preach during their times in educating the lost, the last, the least and the lonely. It also encompasses the moral values we Asians are proud of, thus creating a peaceful, pleasant atmosphere between the students and their teachers.

After all, wasn't this the very school that created the leaders of today? Wasn't this the school that saw the rise of numerous sporting legends, corporate figures, top executives and the like? Wasn't this school renowned for its exceptional student leaders? Wasn't this school a formidable force in debating?

How the times have changed. Today, the near-century old school is nothing but a shadow of its former glory. Its walls are defaced with pointless graffiti. Its paint is peeling away at the hands of unscrupulous kids. Its hallways filled with the loud chatter of boys and girls in the classes, or of students running from one end to the other, engaging in races and other games. Fights often break out when it is least expected. Teachers have a hard time controlling the situation, which is slowly taking a toll on them in more than one way.

These problems were unheard of in the past. During the tenure of the Brother-Directors, I'd say the cane was the final resort when it comes to disciplinary cases. (Brother Pius is to be thanked for introducing it into circulation in SMI) Where once it was THE symbol of fear in the hearts of students, now it has become nothing more than a symbol of office for disciplinary teachers, a tool to "discipline" rowdy/indignant students who don't seem to be fazed by it. What happened?

Even when SMI DID face critical issues on gangsterism, the much-loved former principal Mr Louis was the one who stepped in and changed everything for the better. In fact, the school flourished under his capable leadership. He was, after all, a former Michaelian who was dedicated in keeping the real Michaelian Spirit alive and burning in the hearts and minds of the students. Upon his departure, things only went downhill. And among the early victims included our Michaelian Spirit.

So why should our school, a premier institute of education proud of the rich La Sallian history behind its existence, suffer from such social degradation? While I cannot deny that there are certain parties who don't seem to give a hoot about our school's condition, neither the building nor the good reputation the Brother-Directors left behind shouldn't be allowed to be tarnished.

So, what has happened to the Michaelian Spirit? Has it finally died, poisoned by the actions of the new young generations? Nay, it's just lost in translation, another victim in the declining social environment here in Malaysia, sharing the same fate as many other different scenarios. (All of them related to local culture and the like) There's no telling when the real Michaelian Spirit will ever return. But looking at the school's current sorry state, I doubt it will ever resurface.

Someone please do something.

Thoughts: Discrimination Abound

The recent headlines have brought me back to face my computer screen and blog about one particular topic: prejudice.

In fact, it was thanks to Marina Mahathir's Musings that was printed in Wednesday's The Star that made me type this out. In her post, she writes of the discrimination, hate and inherent mistrust upon Muslims across the globe after the September 11th attacks, and how this can be changed with better knowledge of the Islamic world and its customs, traditions and so forth. Not only that, following the breakout of the Arab Spring that has affected the Middle East for months now, many people have changed their stance with Muslims and are beginning to see them in a different light.

I shall quote Marina Mahathir:

Ten years later, although it cannot be said that Islamophobia has disappeared, Western perspectives on Islam have become more measured and based on better knowledge. One of the biggest boosts... has been the Arab Spring. 

Suddenly the images of Muslims were young, modern and protesting not about the West, but about their own corrupt leaders... in 2011 the Middle East became associated with the yearning for freedom and democracy, one not too different from what developed countries enjoyed. 

Women were seen at the forefront of the revolution, both head-scarved and not, and changed the image of the oppressed Muslim woman. 

It just goes to show that prejudice and discrimination, both rooted in fear of the unknown, can always be dispelled with better knowledge, at least in those willing to learn...

I can honestly tell you that I have been oblivious to what has happened to the Middle East before the Arab Spring started. I had actually believed that even after 9/11 the Arab world was relatively peaceful, if not shaken to its core after the horrifying disaster. Yes, you could say I was ignorant to what was really happening. But when the Arab Spring broke out it made me see just how the Middle East had its own fair share of problems - and not just because of the militant movements that lurk in the shadows.

While it is good to see reconciliation between the Muslim world and the rest of the globe's population coming to terms with one another, it is important to note that all this fear, hate and discrimination is the fault of mass media.

What we've seen on TV are nothing but 'angry bearded men wielding weapons and shouting threats to the West.' The media somewhat branded the Islamic community as terrorists, undemocratic, violent, oppressors of women. The media brazenly trumpeted the so-called "dark side of Islam". All we've seen and heard on the news have been filled with stereotypes of Muslim people - of those who rashly reacted in anger over the West's actions - and from here fear - and prejudice - came and took everyone by the throat.

That's funny. I've always learned from the history books that Islam is no different from any other religion - always differing right from wrong; doing more good for the community; inculcating moral values within the family; and so on. And all it took were a few reports from the media to incite so much negativity.

Already others have been affected by this Islamophobia. A Sikh man killed because he was wearing a turban. Orthodox Jewish rabbis pulled off a plane for praying in a language other passengers didn't understand. Special inspections for people with even the slightest tinge of an Arabic name. Suddenly, no longer can anyone trust their Muslim friends for just about anything.

If it wasn't for the commitment of certain individuals who have defiantly stood up to educate the masses on Islam, be they Muslims or non-Muslims, surely Islamophobia would continue to thrive. And while it still does remain in the hearts of people who ignorantly refuse to accept the truth, it's great news to see this hysteria seems to have subsided to much lower levels. Either that, or the news continues to hide the facts from the public.

And while we're still on the subject of prejudice, what about closer to home? I can tell you now that when I first heard of the Seksualiti Merdeka Carnival and its ban by the police, I thought the police were doing the right thing. Don't ask me why; it just didn't seem right to me at that point in time.

Naturally, I changed my stance after reading some articles, and based on my own beliefs: just like what Marina Mahathir said of the Islamic world, shouldn't the LGBT community be given time to explain itself? Shouldn't we be open to what they have to say?

I believe that many people who read this would be angered by my stance - especially those who say it's not right to be that way. Well, what do you want to do about it? Start some kind of witch hunt and burn them all at the stake? Would that really work? Would you stop them?

You wouldn't. You can never be able to stop them. No matter how much you try, it's like trying to exterminate weeds.

I have heard of cases where parents disown their children because they're different. I have seen how these people are shunned from the community just because they are who they are. Can we blame them for being different? If my child came to me one day and admitted that he/she was one of them, should I disown him /her too?

As human beings, we should have the heart to look after one another despite our differences. So why are we resorting to all this unnecessary hate?

The Seksualiti Merdeka event isn't trying to convince people that promiscuity and such is the way to go. Rather, from my standpoint, it's a platform to allow the LGBT minority to have their say among the majority; it's to allow them to slowly assimilate themselves into the rakyat and be useful to the nation. Rather than let them rot working as sex workers in some dirty back alley, shouldn't we give them the right to work in offices as desk clerks, or even as engineers or lawyers?

So who's to blame? Not just the media. Oh, no. Even political parties  from both sides of the fence are to be blamed for using their power to leverage against the event - from religious hardliners and even to learned men. And why is Datuk Ambiga taking so much flak just because she was to launch the event? Is it because she was part of the controversial Bersih 2.0 campaign? Is it because of her so-called 'pact' with Pakatan? Is it more than those reasons? I leave the politicking to you folks.

She should be applauded for being brave enough to do such a thing. I mean, who would when they'd rather not use their reputation for something good like this. What's keeping us from supporting their cause? The fear and the resulting discrimination we've held against the LGBT community? It's because of those few bad eggs who tarnish the reputation of their fellows.

Even I am to be blamed for disrespecting their kind. But I've realized that it's wrong to do so. Besides, who am I to blame them? They're no different from you and I.

I just hope that the organizers would be able to meet with the IGP and discuss matters peacefully. If the green light is finally given, they definitely deserve a pat on the back.

It's high time we lifted the veil off the subject and bring light to an otherwise misunderstood topic.

Sigh

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

All my heart yearns for is to be heard. Is that too much to ask?

But is it my fault for not immersing myself into society? My fault that I'm not letting myself join their conversations? My fault for feeling lost in their chatter? My fault for becoming invisible to every person I know, even when I'm standing right there?

You've answered many of my questions. You've filled in the blanks that I could not fill all this while. But even then, why do I still feel empty inside? What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard to fit in? When I try to be myself, somehow I just blend right into the scenery. (Quite an irony, being the tallest person around here) Am I the only one who's noticed? Or is it because I keep telling myself I don't belong?

I always feel out of place - not just in school, but everywhere else with anyone I know, even my own mother. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if anyone's really listening to me; or if anyone's paying attention to my existence. Hello, I'm right here! Why do you not seem to notice me?

I envy everyone else. They always have a little group of friends with whom they can talk with about anything. Sure, they've built strong bonds of friendship with the rest. I've done that, so why am I not in a clique of my own? Does it mean such bonds are not a paramount requirement to start a group? Or am I not reading between the lines?

I can only have a short conversation span with anyone, unless by chance we're talking about something both parties know of. Once that's done, that's it. It ends there. Again, am I doing it the wrong way?

So is it just me?

It gets to me, all the loneliness. It's not just exam/study stress that's getting me down. Life itself seems to become a challenge. And now that I look, I realized that I've become more reclusive than I used to be in the past. What went wrong? What did I miss?

I know that I have it hard taking advice. How much more counsel are you going to offer me? I'm trying hard to learn from your guidance. And it's very obvious change doesn't happen in an instant. But when you've been a pig-headed jerk all your life, the effort needed to change is greater. I want to change. But I keep disagreeing with myself. I'm caught in a cycle of hatred that has no end.

The war in my mind and my soul still rages on, as fiercely as it always has been. The peace treaty's gone to hell, and I doubt that I'll find peace anytime soon.

I'm in the war of my life

I'm at the core of my life

I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

And fight I will. If I give up now, all the ground I had fought for, every single inch of it, would go to waste. Should I allow myself to waste away?

I'll continually update my status whenever I can. At least I'm being honest with you people. Cheers.

New Thoughts

Jerk, noun: [Slang] a person regarded as disagreeable, despicable, etc.
(Sourced from Webster's New World Dictionary, published 1995)

This is going to be quite a tell-all.

Have you ever had a day when your good intentions are suddenly warped and twisted just because of a few words or because of one action? I'm sure we've all had our days. Come to think of it, I've had a huge share of those problems.

Frank Sinatra sang: "Regrets, I've had a few./But then again, too few to mention." If I said I had no regrets at all - not a single one ever - then I'd be lying. In fact, I've piled them up in one corner for myself to see. The details are fuzzy, but they're there in my head. What a way to remind myself of all my faults.

Even after a massive fallout, I'd always be the first to simmer down and realize how foolish I was. But of course, at that time, the damage is already done. Can I still mend the wounds? I can only hope so.

If you saw the definition of "jerk" at the start of the post, you'd probably wonder if the term has any connection to me. I've been branded a jerk before, and yes, initially I didn't like it. But in time I decided I shouldn't allow myself to be adversely affected by one word. If people were to consider me to be a jerk, I won't say they're right nor wrong. Nobody is really in the right, let alone the wrong. For all I know, they might be considered a jerk to another person.

So who wants to start pointing fingers? Forget it, you're not going anywhere if you did.

From what I have learned from the tell-all weeks ago, instead of letting myself drown under the weight of the grief and misery generated by my mind - and including the negative feedback from the detractors - I'm gonna have to live with the consequences. It's a fact. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that's what they say.

If I have to live with them, then it's a challenge I should accept. And while they may continue to trouble me for many more weeks, perhaps even months, no matter how much they tug at my mind, I'll have to ignore them if I don't want history to repeat itself.

As Publilius Syrus said: "How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself." I will have to forgive myself for the things I shouldn't have done. All that's left is for them to choose to forgive me.

I can tell you right now, if I could turn back time, there would be so many wrongs that I could right. So many chances I missed that I could take up. So much could be changed for the better! And, in fact, I may even find myself where I belong.

If I could turn back time, so much could have been changed:
I'd never have angered my friends while in Primary and even in Lower Secondary;
I'd never have acted so stupidly back in Form Four;
(All because of muddled emotions; one of the worst mistakes I'd ever done. If ever I could meet her again, I wouldn't hesitate to say sorry for it)
I'd never have let history repeat itself the following year;
I'd probably have avoided a verbal fight with my classmate;
(Thankfully we've mended bridges)
I'd never lost another friend because of my forgetfulness;
(Jean, if you're reading this, I'm terribly sorry. I truly am. A year on and I have never gotten over it. I never should have forgotten Leroy's card, and I wish you would forgive me for it)
I'd have stopped my friend from doing something stupid;
I'd have stopped myself for trusting my 'gut instincts';
I'd never have hurt her - and myself - because of my immaturity;
(You know I mean you; even when you forgave me for it, it will forever remain a black stain in the story of my life)
I'd never have fallen so deep into despair and self-loathing;
(One of the lowest points in my entire life; thank you to those who have helped me find new meaning in my life, and for adding value to it)
I'd never have acted like a jerk and said things I will continue to regret.

And that's just a tip of the iceberg.

Losing a friend is one of the most painful things that I've experienced - twice, maybe thrice considering what I said last Friday. It's like getting stabbed in the heart and adding lots of salt to the wound. And then letting it fester and become gangrenous. That's how much it stings. When am I ever going to permanently remind myself not to break more bonds of friendship?

But all that's in the past now. Best to move on and remember the lessons I've learned on the way.

At the same time, I thank Kuan Yin for being so gracious and caring even when I faced these arduous tests. My strong connection with my religion, though not as strong as it should be, has helped me see through these perilous times. And of course, there's the support from my extended family, who have shown me that it's not the end of the world.

And I pray I won't have to go through these tests anymore; for if I repeat them again then let it be known that my sins shall not be absolved until I find a way to right the wrongs, lest my soul be damned and taken to the bowels of Hell to suffer for all eternity. This I vow.

This I vow.

If you're reading this, I hope I've made certain things clear. I thank those who have shown me they still care, and I will do whatever I can to change for the better.

If you're one of the few people mentioned, whether directly or indirectly, I won't force you to make a decision in an instant. I can't promise that I won't make the same mistake again in future. (And, fingers crossed, it won't!) But if you allow me to find the time and effort to rebuild our broken trust, I will not let this chance slip from my hands anymore. As I have vowed above, if I lose that chance, then it would mean the end of me.

I'll be as open and transparent as I can. If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask. I'll answer the best as I can. And I promise you it'll be nothing but the truth.

And please do me the favor of sharing this. It's intended for all of you: even those who stand divided from me, and for those whom I've already lost. Thank you.

More Thoughts

I confess: lately I've become ever more distant than my classmates than I should. I've noticed that ever since I've begun to see things from a new light, the more I know the further I get from USS3. It hasn't escaped my sight. I know this is happening. Am I powerless to stop it?

Not at all.

Yes, the distance between me and my class is probably as wide as... well, not the Grand Canyon, of course. But it's no surprise, really. Over the months, I've been doing and saying things I shouldn't have - and many that I regret - and in between I've also begun to adopt very radical changes in my life that, I dare say, I would never have thought to adopt. It's like they said: "When you change, you don't stick around with the old. You naturally move on."

Am I right to say that my change has only widened the rift between all my classmates?

It's both yes and no.

Why yes?
Like what I said above, change moves you onward. Whatever that you embraced may or may not remain in you when you make that transition. While I cannot deny many of the Science 3 people have been great friends (you know who you are) I'm afraid that there are some aspects which I cannot fit in well. Don't get me wrong, all of you are wonderful people - full of different personalities that have helped color the class. Unfortunately, that's the reason why I have started to float away. The color I possess will only darken things.

And who wants a whiner in their group anyway?

So if I've been quite the introvert with you guys, then my humblest apologies. But I can't promise I'll try to fit in. I might not. I might never.

And why no?
Only a small handful know that this change I'm going through is necessary. And I have Yoon to thank for his support, both explicit and implicit. If it wasn't for him, I may have dropped out. In fact, it's an irony that I had to force him not to!

Forgive me for the sins I've committed, dear God. And I pray that you, my friends, will know my errs and absolve them from me, for I have seen my faults and I wish to repent. And I do not intend to be like what my father is now, damn his soul. I never intended to walk in his shoes and leave a path of destruction like he has.

Cheers all.

To Give Is The Reason I Live

Brother Matt retired yesterday. It was a mellow occasion. Well, I thought it would feel mellow. But it did feel quite lively, with the few performances here and there. So, yeah, a fitting send-off.

When they were talking about Bro. Matt's life and times, the words that stuck with me would be "a life of service." It echoed through my mind, and it made me think very deep about what it meant to me.

I'm considering it. Living a life of service for the good of Mankind. Doesn't that sound good?

Well, it sure does to me.

Cheers!

Show Me The Meaning...

...of true suffering
...of being lonely
...of psychological torture
...of love
...of hate
...of willpower
...of true friendship
...of strength
...of spiritual rebirth
...of sweet success
...of pain
...of misery
...of poverty
...of dread
...of despair
...of being close to Death
...of great burdens
...of talent
...of perseverance
...of patience
...of determination
...of stamina
...of trust
...of the past, of the present, and of the future

If I knew what they really mean to a man, mayhaps I may understand what it means to suffer - and what it takes to break from the bonds of suffering.

Oh that my grief were thoroughly weighed, and my calamity laid in the balances together!For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea: therefore my words are swallowed up.For the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison whereof drinks up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me.~ Job 6:2-4

Entries

The nemesis came again

Marching in full force

Could it be over soon?

Could this war come full circle?

For years

I have did battle with it

The nemesis and I

Know each other well

Far too well, in fact

For all our conflict

Has led us to learn of the other's strength

And that of his weakness too

But time and again

I have proven resourceful

Wily and cunning

The nemesis

It learns

Years have flown by

And those years have done little

To whittle its strength

It becomes greater by the day

By the hour

By the minute

By every passing second

Slowly my will falters

With every passing moment

The poisons of the nemesis

Beginning to work

Their dark magicks

Walls crumble and fall

The nemesis pours his malice

His rage and fury

Through the cracks

His minions march relentlessly

While my men

Brave as they are

They are no match to something

Incomparable to the mortal soul

The nemesis knows it will win

But the question is:

When?

One last fortress stands now

The rest all but conquered

Under the banner of the nemesis

The mighty bastion

A firm testament

Of endurance, strength and determination

Manned by hundreds of thousands

Loyal men and women

Willing to give their lives

To defend what is dearest to us

All of us

I watch the horizon

The trails of smoke

Signifying the nemesis's army

Coming from the south

Approximately fifty kilometers

From where I stood

I couldn't help but wonder

What could I expect from this?

Defeat?

Victory?

"It's all up to you"

Says the stranger

Sipping on tea

With scones on the side

Watching the smoke plumes rise

From the campfire next to me

Wait

How is it that he's here?

"Don't you know me well enough by now?"

He grinned

As he always does

I saunter up to him

Troops passing me by

Engrossed with preparations

I take a seat next to him

And he proffers a scone

"It's tasty," he adds

I take one

Hesitantly

Before I open my m0uth to ask

He answers

"It's only a dream after all"

I blink

Is he speaking the truth?

"Of course!

How is it

That you're fighting off

An unspeakable evil

When you're actually

On a train ride

Going somewhere

In hopes of finding answers?"

I blink

He definitely is speaking truth

"What you face now,"

He continues

Another scone down

Sipping his tea

"This nemesis

I believe it's an extension

Of your dark side

Or something you've been hiding

What could it be?

I believe you should tell me that

What are you hiding?"

"My insecurities, stranger

My fears

My doubts

My despair

My loneliness

My...

Well

Essentially, my pessimism

No more, no less

The fight here is

More or less

A metaphorical description

Of the mental battle I wage

Likened to be a real conflict

And

I'm on the losing side"

I finish with a sigh

He offered another scone

As he thought

Of what he should say

It seems so easy

For one like him

To offer advice

"It's a war alright"

He looks around him

At the soldiers pacing up and down

A menagerie of veterans

And brave civilians

"I can imagine

The troops are your mental 'resolve'

The only thing standing

In fear's way

But...

For an army

It seems so insignificant"

"I've told you," I reply

"I'm on the losing side

My morale's never been this low

In fact

It's become a battle

Just to get through a day

Without any bruises or wounds"

"It's funny

You only found out

About your condition

Only days ago

And already you're giving up?

Are you kidding?

You're such a pessimist"

I hang my head

"If you didn't know already

I AM ONE

And there's nothing I can do

To change that fact"

"See a doctor first

Then talk

You haven't even started

And already you're complaining?

You're a joke, boy"

"Listen!"

I stand up in anger

The stranger gazes at me

Not surprised

Perhaps expecting my tantrum?

The others ignore us

As they continue to make ready

For the following

"If you were in my shoes

Then you'd understand

How I really feel"

"No matter how much

How much I fight

Every time I reach

A break through

The nemesis finds a weakness

And back it is to square one

He is anathema

The perfect embodiment

Of my worst nightmare

Everything goes down the drain

Everything

Everything!"

"How long have I been fighting now?

Too many years now!

All the conflict we've waged

Up until this point

I don't want to fight

I'm sick and tired

I'm weary and weak

I can't go on any further

I really can't

No more

Not anymore"

My shoulders stoop

The stranger keeps his eyes on me

He nods

"Then

I guess

This marks the end of my journey

With you, my friend

I cannot help you

Win this war

It is one

You have to win yourself

Thus

I wish you well

And I wish you peace"

He rises from his seat

Teacup still in his hand

Now empty

Pats my shoulder

And disappears

Klaxons blare

Someone in the distance

Screams in panic

Another shouts

The enemy approaches!

In the distance

Legions of the nemesis' men

March to claim victory

While in the fortress

Prayers

Tears

Farewells

Preparations

Weapon checks

The lot

The stranger is gone now

Forever?

Honestly?

I don't know

I'm lost now

The enemy approaches

And I worry

This battle may be my last

Fear not, friends

The entries will continue

So long as I live

But I live in the shadow

Of my own fears

And that of the nemesis

That lurks inside me

He taunts me all the time

Enticing me to fight on

Should I?

For too long now I've been fighting

I don't know what else

I have left in me

Maybe I've no other choice

But to finish this

And see how it ends

If I fall

Bury me in an unmarked grave

Somewhere on the outskirts

Close to nature

Have a small tombstone

And on it

Etch my epitaph

"If only I were better

Than who I was"

Send me a garland of flowers

Once a year

And remember me

For the little good that I've done

For you

If any at all

I pray that this is not the end

Thoughts

Evangelists. Not that I have anything against them, but I don't understand why they're so intent on converting everybody.

Shouldn't they have some respect for the other person's religion if he/she doesn't want to convert?

This was the case just this Wednesday (a public holiday, no less) when a woman (of which group/church I will not state here) were in my neighborhood. One woman came to the gate and talked to my mum about "the changing world" and all that jazz. Sure, it's changing, we can see it in the papers, duh.

After she left (leaving behind a magazine or something) another group happened to pass by. Another woman came to the gate and started asking the same things, this time to me. I kept insisting - very politely, mind you - that her friend had already come and left us a nice little gift. But the aunty just kept on insisting to talk to us and trying to convince us she's up to no harm, until finally she relented and left us a present too.

My mum was annoyed. "Nuisance(s)," she muttered angrily.

C'mon now, we're happy with our religion and faith. Why should we convert? Why, 'cause - according to some hardliners - if we don't we go to Hell? Bullshit.

None of MY Christian friends (and I have many) ever asked me to convert. And they never told me that I'd go to Hell if I didn't. So what's wrong with this picture?

Let's not get too overanxious with all this, can we? Everybody has a choice. So please, understand that WE have already made our choice. Thank you.

Cheers all.

The London Crisis: A Post

For this post, I will take this opportunity to salute and praise the English police forces for their valiant efforts in keeping the rioters at bay in the days that have seen some of the worst rioting throughout the nation in decades, not forgetting the 2009 riot at the G20 summit, where a man was killed by a police officer while trying to control the demonstration.

It's not an easy job, being a policeman - especially in a tumultuous time like this. What started off as small-scale protests eventually flared into nationwide panic that has drowned many parts of London - from Tottenham, Clapham and Catford, to Birmingham, Manchester and Liverpool. Properties are being looted, buildings and cars burned, people attacked - nothing and no one is spared from the wrath of the rioters.

How did all this boil down to this? Everyone has an opinion. Some say it's the youth's discontentment with the economy and/or government. Others say it was an instigated act of violence to topple Prime Minister David Cameron's administration. Few also believe this has a link to racial discrimination. But amidst all the confusion the fact remains the same: Britain is on the verge of a societal collapse. If the crisis is not averted soon, this may end up becoming a scene from Alan Moore's "V for Vendetta", where the public marched in anger against the iron-fisted regime of fictional fascist leader Adam Susan.

But how soon can this crisis be resolved? The Metropolitan Police has its hands full - even with 32,000 sworn officers, 9,000 special constables and community officers, as well as 14,000 civilian staff, they have to raise the numbers on duty to 16,000 in this week. And if that's not enough, officers have to work long hours just to ensure the streets are safe from rioters. Through social media and blogs, officers who have posted in the time of the riots have expressed themselves on what it is like to go through the daily horrors that plague much of London now. One officer, in his Twitter post, said: "Sunday 23hr shift. break pre-briefing + snacks/2 bottles water. No further food/water supplied. Monday 18hr shift. No break/water/food."

Hours later, the same officer posted this: "Been pelted with again with bottles and bricks. Looting happening everywhere. 15hr shift & counting."

PC Richard Stanley posted a picture of stressed out police colleagues resting, their heads slumped on canteen tables, exhausted both mentally and physically after the long, long hours (and days) of hard work through the brutality they face. That image is a very strong message that shows how the police are so seriously affected just to keep order in check across London.

But the police aren't just the only ones being brutalized. Fellow Malaysian Mohammed Ashraf Haziq was attacked and robbed and left to bleed, before being robbed again; Tariq Jahan, killed by looters as he and two Asian friends patrolled their neighbourhood in Birmingham; Polish woman Monika Konzyk, who had to leap from her burning flat set alight by looters; there are many more unnamed and unknown individuals out there who are suffering just as much yet are not given any form of aid, what with the police having their hands full.

Britain is losing face in the eyes of the global community. Many individuals have slammed against Cameron's ineffectiveness; his vacation trip that somehow coincided with his deputy's holiday; the proposed plan to cut the police's budget by about £2 million; and so much more. The nation's credibility as a free, peaceful, democratic nation is being chiselled away by these turn of events - and fast, if I may add. As Monika herself put it after her ordeal: "I thought London was a civilized society full of gentlemen and ladies - but it's not like that. England has become a sick country."

It's becoming a serious mess now, the situation.

But thankfully, there are still a handful of people who still have a heart of gold. These individuals, though not many, come out into the streets to clean up the debris and, for some like Philippa Morgan-Walker and her husband Johnny, handing out light refreshments and snacks to weary officers after battling the protesters for hours without any rest. Others have voiced out their support to policemen who pass by, with some even asking why couldn't the violence be meted out on an equal scale. Even in these dark hours, these few men and women showed that, despite all its faults, Britain is still full of Good Samaritans that has not fully caught the public eye. Even in Clapham Junction, there have been many inspirational scrawlings on walls and such that show how much support the police is receiving from the general public. One quote I like is this particularly vocal one: "You can shatter our glass but not our community!"

Apart from that, Tariq's father Jahan made public his hopes that things would change. Even though his son was killed, he did not demand that revenge was served. His message was clear: "I don't want any of you to fight." He is a prime example we should all salute in the ensuing chaos.

After reading so much about the disorder happening there, it actually made me realize that society has degraded so far in the years that passed. In England itself, a lot of people blame the education system for being the cause of creating so many unruly youngsters. But it's not confined to just the British: many other countries, like that of Libya, Egypt and Syria, are going through anarchy in the people's desperate fight for freedom from tyranny and oppression. As Raja Zarith Idris herself stated in her article in the recent Sunday Star, she has noted that society's attraction to materialistic wealth has taken a big toll on the world community. Moral values and virtues have become a thing of the past now. And that has led to these events.

Even Malaysia itself is a victim of many internal conflicts. But I leave that to the politicians until the next elections.

Raja Zarith Idris's opinions echo very well the problems Mankind needs to overcome before it can achieve peace. I find it very unnerving to read this particular passage in her article, which highlights the truth of our current situation:

A couple of years ago, I was flipping through one of those glossy society magazines and I saw a designer handbag that costs RM90,000. Would I have asked my husband to buy it for me? No, because the sight of those flood victims standing in line to receive just RM500 makes such a purchase sinful. How many families would the cost of that handbag help feed?

We should learn from the mistakes of Britain. Perhaps from there, our road to salvation will be much more uneventful.

Cheers all. And God bless the Met for their continued endeavours to keep London safe.

(Sourced from news reports from Guardian News and Media, The Daily Telegraph and the Sunday Star)