Am I True To Myself?

Something came to mind when I saw two friends of mine the other day:


Am I expecting more from my friends than I should?

I would think so.

But no one can look after each of his friends all the time, no?

Maybe it's still that I need to find a way to get over my low self-esteem.


And a battle inside me to win too.

It's a long climb. But hell, if I don't do it now, I'll never get over it.

Small steps.

Cheers.

Words

Everything I know is wrong

Everything I do it just comes undone

And everything is torn apart

Oh and that's the hardest part

But it's all part of the learning process, isn't it?

All these years there has been a lingering sense of failure in me whenever I did something wrong. Some days I still feel that.

But like I said, we live and we learn. That includes me, too, despite what I tell myself.

I could feel it go down

Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth

Silver lining in the clouds

Oh and I

I wish that I could work it out

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to escape this mad cycle. It's not impossible. Time and time again, I've come close to breaking out,  but circumstances push me back close to where I first started.

It's a rough and tumble journey, and I can't say that I'm not any wiser than before. Experience has made me a better man, but still there's a  long way to go.

I know something is broken

And I'm trying to fix it

Trying to repair it

Any way I can

If I had not opened myself to change, would I have reached this stage? I highly doubt it. I was nothing but trouble. I still am, but at least not to  such an extent that I'd be dire situations all the time.

Much of what is broken is now repaired. I just hope those that seem permanently irreparable are still able to be fixed.

Maybe the answers still elude me?

Or maybe the answers are right there in front of me, yet I am blind to them?

For all I know, that could be it. It means I need to get my eyesight corrected.

Lord I don't know which way I am going

Which way the river's going to flow

It just seems that upstream I keep rowing

Still got such a long way to go

The world can rob us of every single inch - except one. One tiny, fragile inch that they can never take away from us, no matter how they try. It  cannot be bought, nor sold, nor given away. We must never lose it at all.

There is no price for the freedom of the self.

But am I truly free?

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

There are still shackles holding me down. Guilt, burdens, fears - human emotion itself seems to have turned against me. The mind is raging against the soul.

There is no equilibrium. Balance needs to be restored.

Freedom has yet to be found. Four solid walls prevent me from leaving my cell.

My song is love

Is love unknown?

And I've got to get that message home

But freedom seems so close. I can taste it in the air. And oh, how sweet it is.

How much do I have to risk to find freedom?

Maybe you'll get what you wanted

Maybe you'll stumble upon it

Everything you ever wanted

In a permanent state

In time. I believe that my time is soon.

The journey isn't over, after all. Whoever said it was? Only a fool would think he has had it made.

Not just yet, friends. It's always, always the beginning.

And who can say what the risks are? I say, 'bring them on!'

Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost

Doesn't mean I'll stop

Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Perhaps the enlightenment I seek will be gained tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe in the next decade, or the next half a  century. I don't know.

But I'll still wait for that message.

It will come.

I just got lost

Every river that I've tried to cross

And every door I ever tried was locked

Ooh-oh

And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

Freedom, come embrace me in thine arms, and take me to the paradise I long for.

"Oh, beauty, 'til now I never knew thee."

Gravity release me

And dont ever hold me down

Now my feet won't touch the ground

Looking Back At 2011

2011 is already coming to an end. 'So soon?' you ask. 'But I wasn't even done!' Yes, many of us still feel like the year had just begun. Unfortunately, time has its way of passing by us without us knowing.

In any case, before we bid adieu to 2011, let's just take a quick look back at this tumultuous year and how it's altered life as we know it.

THE ARAB SPRING
One of the biggest world changing events, what began as a demand for a change in the administration of Tunisia had suddenly spread to numerous Middle Eastern countries like Egypt, Syria, Libya and a few other nations. Egypt saw the downfall of Hosni Mubarak's long reign of power, but the country still remains divided as the locals clashed with the military, demanding for fair elections. Syria remains in a volatile state; nobody is certain of what will happen next. Libya is slowly going through a transition period after Gaddafi's untimely death. The Middle East was definitely rocked by the Arab Spring, and the changes that followed were hailed as momentous occasions for different reasons. But I can't help but wonder if it really is over.

DEATH OF THE GREAT LEADER
The sudden death of North Korea's Great Leader put a lot of pressure on the world. What can be expected from his successor, Jong-un, now that he is the new leader of the last true Communist nation in the world? Already he's put all military activity on hold, but whether it's a smokescreen for something bigger or not remains to be seen. While the whole nation weeps and praises the 'divinity' of Jong-il's most favored son, the US and their South Korean allies have tightened security in preparation for what might be 'the next Big One'. I hope that it's not true.

THE COLLAPSE OF AL-QAEDA?
Osama bin Laden, the world's most infamous terrorist, was finally killed by US special forces in his 'secret' home, ending a manhunt for the world's most infamous terrorist and the man who fanned the fire of growing anti-US sentiment when Operation: Iraqi Freedom was launched. While he is still despised for his forever-remembered 9/11 attack, as well as numerous other terrorist operations worldwide, one can't help but feel a slight feeling of respect for the person who proved that even a mighty superpower like America could be challenged. Following his death, al-Qaeda has remained rather silent. But time can only tell when his successor would counter-attack.

POLITICAL CHANGES
Thailand went through some harsh times in terms of the political world, especially with so many people calling out for then-PM Abhisit's resignation. The elections saw the sister of deposed Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra and political greenhorn Yingluck trumping Abhisit's party in the polls, but she now faces tough times ahead, especially regarding the floods that have devastated much of the nation. Meanwhile in Japan, the poor handling of the Fukushima reactor meltdown forced Prime Minister Naoto Kan to step down in the wake of growing sentiment over how his cabinet handled the crisis. Hopefully his successor Yoshihiko Noda will be able to turn things around in the next year.

NATURAL DISASTERS
Flash floods, hurricanes and earthquakes rocked the entire globe, with the unprecedented earthquake that rocked Christchurch early in February and the magnitude 8.9 earthquake and follow-up tsunami over in Japan being some of the worst that have ever been recorded. If that wasn't enough, don't forget the floods in Australia (January), severe weather in America (April-May), Hurricane Irene (August), floods in Thailand and the Phillipines, and other scenarios worldwide. Total damages are estimated at US$350 billion, with the crisis of Japan being the most costly of all, standing at approximately US$300 billion!

THE ROYAL AFFAIR
The wedding of Prince Charles and Kate Middleton on April 29th will be remembered as a true fairy tale wedding: the marriage between a dashing young prince and a beautiful commoner. And I gotta say it was indeed a grand wedding - the wedding of the decade, perhaps? I didn't watch the whole wedding, but it wasn't hard to tell that the millions of others watching it would never forget it at all. And while the wedding was the main attraction, let's not forget how Pippa Middleton charmed the pants off guys across the world, as well as that little girl on the balcony with the royal couple, sulking away with her ears stopped up!

HARIMAU MUDA BOLEH!
Our national football team did the country proud when they knocked Indonesia's socks off in last year's Suzuki Cup final. This year, they continued to excel by giving the visiting EPL football teams a run for their money in the friendlies they played, as well as bringing back a gold medal from the SEA Games in Jakarta, Indonesia. Despite security concerns, the team still pulled it off and showed their rivals that Malaysia still has the Midas touch it had in the yesteryears. Kudos to them for bringing pride back to our country in the sports arena, as well as their determination and willpower to show that 'Malaysia Boleh!'

THE BERSIH 2.0 STORY
Another Bersih rally made headlines on July 9th, proving that Malaysians have had enough of all the unfairness happening. The Bersih proponents demanded for clean and fair elections in Malaysia, and the rally gathered as many as 150 thousand people taking to the streets, braving the police's best efforts in stopping the 'illegal' rally. But their determination and courage helped in making a change: already the EC is taking steps to ensure the next elections are fair, including the introduction of indelible ink among other things, as well as the enactment of the controversial Peaceful Assembly Bill, and several other initiatives. Who knows, Malaysia might just undergo the change we want to see.

FAREWELL STEVE
Steve Jobs, the infamous founder of Apple, passed away on October 5th, thus marking the passing of yet another great innovator and radical thinker. While many would disagree with his beliefs and his very conflicting personality, one cannot deny that he was instrumental in the advent of marvelous new technology that has got his rivals powering their R&D to take on Apple. It was due to Jobs' powerful ideas and his quirky/unorthodox methods that have helped Apple stay at the top of its game. With his demise, the world mourned the loss of a visionary who wasn't afraid to take the plunge into uncharted depths and forever revolutionized the world of technology.

WINEHOUSE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
Amy Winehouse's death is another surprising one. While a heck load of people knew she had problems, nobody anticipated she would kick the bucket so soon. And when later it was made known that she was quite ready to release a whole new album, everyone felt even more saddened by these turn of events. Now that it has been released, people are wondering how it would really sound like if it was complete. Hopefully Amy would be resting in peace, knowing that her music will now live on forever.

THE MJ CASE VERDICT
MJ's doctor was convicted of intentionally killing the King of Pop, and the court's verdict has given relief to not only his close friends and family, but to the millions of fans out there. When the verdict was announced, I can easily imagine people screaming and jumping with sheer delight, apart from hurling more 'serves you right!' abuse at the doc. Wonder how MJ would react to these news up there.

TECHNO-MARVELS
Speaking of technology, we've seen so many new phone and tablet models being unveiled throughout the year. While the iPad was one of the biggest highlights, Apple's competitors were not very far behind. HTC unveiled a string of innovative smart phones, while Samsung became Apple's biggest challenger with its line of Galaxy smart phones and Tab series. Nokia had also launched a number of cool phones, including the fascinating N9, but at the moment seems to be trailing behind Samsung and Apple. In the computing world, ultrabooks are the new in-thing, boasting awesome CPUs and an ultra-light and slim body; 3D too has become a rave, with the introduction of 3D HDTVs and monitors.

GAMES GALORE
There have been so many games released this year, it's hard to keep track of all of them: StarCraft II: WIngs of Liberty, Assassin's Creed: Revelations, Fallout: New Vegas, The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim, Batman: Arkham City, Crysis 2, Dawn of War II: Retribution - those are just some of the many awesome games out this year, and many of them have just blown the minds of gamers worldwide, especially Battlefield 3 and its amazing Frostbite 2.0 engine. Can't imagine what is going to come up next year!

MOVIE MANIA
And who can forget the movie world? We've had a string of hits and misses, and a number of them hint that there's more to come. (Example: The Avengers) Among some notable movies this year include The Muppets, Puss in Boots, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, The Ides of March, Songlap, Arthur Christmas, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, We Bought A Zoo, Hanna, Thor, Captain America, Fright Night, Kung Fu Panda 2, etc.

There may be more that I might have missed, so I'll update this if I do feel it's needed. Until then, Happy New Year everyone!

More Thoughts

I confess: lately I've become ever more distant than my classmates than I should. I've noticed that ever since I've begun to see things from a new light, the more I know the further I get from USS3. It hasn't escaped my sight. I know this is happening. Am I powerless to stop it?

Not at all.

Yes, the distance between me and my class is probably as wide as... well, not the Grand Canyon, of course. But it's no surprise, really. Over the months, I've been doing and saying things I shouldn't have - and many that I regret - and in between I've also begun to adopt very radical changes in my life that, I dare say, I would never have thought to adopt. It's like they said: "When you change, you don't stick around with the old. You naturally move on."

Am I right to say that my change has only widened the rift between all my classmates?

It's both yes and no.

Why yes?
Like what I said above, change moves you onward. Whatever that you embraced may or may not remain in you when you make that transition. While I cannot deny many of the Science 3 people have been great friends (you know who you are) I'm afraid that there are some aspects which I cannot fit in well. Don't get me wrong, all of you are wonderful people - full of different personalities that have helped color the class. Unfortunately, that's the reason why I have started to float away. The color I possess will only darken things.

And who wants a whiner in their group anyway?

So if I've been quite the introvert with you guys, then my humblest apologies. But I can't promise I'll try to fit in. I might not. I might never.

And why no?
Only a small handful know that this change I'm going through is necessary. And I have Yoon to thank for his support, both explicit and implicit. If it wasn't for him, I may have dropped out. In fact, it's an irony that I had to force him not to!

Forgive me for the sins I've committed, dear God. And I pray that you, my friends, will know my errs and absolve them from me, for I have seen my faults and I wish to repent. And I do not intend to be like what my father is now, damn his soul. I never intended to walk in his shoes and leave a path of destruction like he has.

Cheers all.

Show Me The Meaning...

...of true suffering
...of being lonely
...of psychological torture
...of love
...of hate
...of willpower
...of true friendship
...of strength
...of spiritual rebirth
...of sweet success
...of pain
...of misery
...of poverty
...of dread
...of despair
...of being close to Death
...of great burdens
...of talent
...of perseverance
...of patience
...of determination
...of stamina
...of trust
...of the past, of the present, and of the future

If I knew what they really mean to a man, mayhaps I may understand what it means to suffer - and what it takes to break from the bonds of suffering.

Oh that my grief were thoroughly weighed, and my calamity laid in the balances together!For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea: therefore my words are swallowed up.For the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison whereof drinks up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me.~ Job 6:2-4

Entries

The nemesis came again

Marching in full force

Could it be over soon?

Could this war come full circle?

For years

I have did battle with it

The nemesis and I

Know each other well

Far too well, in fact

For all our conflict

Has led us to learn of the other's strength

And that of his weakness too

But time and again

I have proven resourceful

Wily and cunning

The nemesis

It learns

Years have flown by

And those years have done little

To whittle its strength

It becomes greater by the day

By the hour

By the minute

By every passing second

Slowly my will falters

With every passing moment

The poisons of the nemesis

Beginning to work

Their dark magicks

Walls crumble and fall

The nemesis pours his malice

His rage and fury

Through the cracks

His minions march relentlessly

While my men

Brave as they are

They are no match to something

Incomparable to the mortal soul

The nemesis knows it will win

But the question is:

When?

One last fortress stands now

The rest all but conquered

Under the banner of the nemesis

The mighty bastion

A firm testament

Of endurance, strength and determination

Manned by hundreds of thousands

Loyal men and women

Willing to give their lives

To defend what is dearest to us

All of us

I watch the horizon

The trails of smoke

Signifying the nemesis's army

Coming from the south

Approximately fifty kilometers

From where I stood

I couldn't help but wonder

What could I expect from this?

Defeat?

Victory?

"It's all up to you"

Says the stranger

Sipping on tea

With scones on the side

Watching the smoke plumes rise

From the campfire next to me

Wait

How is it that he's here?

"Don't you know me well enough by now?"

He grinned

As he always does

I saunter up to him

Troops passing me by

Engrossed with preparations

I take a seat next to him

And he proffers a scone

"It's tasty," he adds

I take one

Hesitantly

Before I open my m0uth to ask

He answers

"It's only a dream after all"

I blink

Is he speaking the truth?

"Of course!

How is it

That you're fighting off

An unspeakable evil

When you're actually

On a train ride

Going somewhere

In hopes of finding answers?"

I blink

He definitely is speaking truth

"What you face now,"

He continues

Another scone down

Sipping his tea

"This nemesis

I believe it's an extension

Of your dark side

Or something you've been hiding

What could it be?

I believe you should tell me that

What are you hiding?"

"My insecurities, stranger

My fears

My doubts

My despair

My loneliness

My...

Well

Essentially, my pessimism

No more, no less

The fight here is

More or less

A metaphorical description

Of the mental battle I wage

Likened to be a real conflict

And

I'm on the losing side"

I finish with a sigh

He offered another scone

As he thought

Of what he should say

It seems so easy

For one like him

To offer advice

"It's a war alright"

He looks around him

At the soldiers pacing up and down

A menagerie of veterans

And brave civilians

"I can imagine

The troops are your mental 'resolve'

The only thing standing

In fear's way

But...

For an army

It seems so insignificant"

"I've told you," I reply

"I'm on the losing side

My morale's never been this low

In fact

It's become a battle

Just to get through a day

Without any bruises or wounds"

"It's funny

You only found out

About your condition

Only days ago

And already you're giving up?

Are you kidding?

You're such a pessimist"

I hang my head

"If you didn't know already

I AM ONE

And there's nothing I can do

To change that fact"

"See a doctor first

Then talk

You haven't even started

And already you're complaining?

You're a joke, boy"

"Listen!"

I stand up in anger

The stranger gazes at me

Not surprised

Perhaps expecting my tantrum?

The others ignore us

As they continue to make ready

For the following

"If you were in my shoes

Then you'd understand

How I really feel"

"No matter how much

How much I fight

Every time I reach

A break through

The nemesis finds a weakness

And back it is to square one

He is anathema

The perfect embodiment

Of my worst nightmare

Everything goes down the drain

Everything

Everything!"

"How long have I been fighting now?

Too many years now!

All the conflict we've waged

Up until this point

I don't want to fight

I'm sick and tired

I'm weary and weak

I can't go on any further

I really can't

No more

Not anymore"

My shoulders stoop

The stranger keeps his eyes on me

He nods

"Then

I guess

This marks the end of my journey

With you, my friend

I cannot help you

Win this war

It is one

You have to win yourself

Thus

I wish you well

And I wish you peace"

He rises from his seat

Teacup still in his hand

Now empty

Pats my shoulder

And disappears

Klaxons blare

Someone in the distance

Screams in panic

Another shouts

The enemy approaches!

In the distance

Legions of the nemesis' men

March to claim victory

While in the fortress

Prayers

Tears

Farewells

Preparations

Weapon checks

The lot

The stranger is gone now

Forever?

Honestly?

I don't know

I'm lost now

The enemy approaches

And I worry

This battle may be my last

Fear not, friends

The entries will continue

So long as I live

But I live in the shadow

Of my own fears

And that of the nemesis

That lurks inside me

He taunts me all the time

Enticing me to fight on

Should I?

For too long now I've been fighting

I don't know what else

I have left in me

Maybe I've no other choice

But to finish this

And see how it ends

If I fall

Bury me in an unmarked grave

Somewhere on the outskirts

Close to nature

Have a small tombstone

And on it

Etch my epitaph

"If only I were better

Than who I was"

Send me a garland of flowers

Once a year

And remember me

For the little good that I've done

For you

If any at all

I pray that this is not the end

Thoughts

Evangelists. Not that I have anything against them, but I don't understand why they're so intent on converting everybody.

Shouldn't they have some respect for the other person's religion if he/she doesn't want to convert?

This was the case just this Wednesday (a public holiday, no less) when a woman (of which group/church I will not state here) were in my neighborhood. One woman came to the gate and talked to my mum about "the changing world" and all that jazz. Sure, it's changing, we can see it in the papers, duh.

After she left (leaving behind a magazine or something) another group happened to pass by. Another woman came to the gate and started asking the same things, this time to me. I kept insisting - very politely, mind you - that her friend had already come and left us a nice little gift. But the aunty just kept on insisting to talk to us and trying to convince us she's up to no harm, until finally she relented and left us a present too.

My mum was annoyed. "Nuisance(s)," she muttered angrily.

C'mon now, we're happy with our religion and faith. Why should we convert? Why, 'cause - according to some hardliners - if we don't we go to Hell? Bullshit.

None of MY Christian friends (and I have many) ever asked me to convert. And they never told me that I'd go to Hell if I didn't. So what's wrong with this picture?

Let's not get too overanxious with all this, can we? Everybody has a choice. So please, understand that WE have already made our choice. Thank you.

Cheers all.

The London Crisis: A Post

For this post, I will take this opportunity to salute and praise the English police forces for their valiant efforts in keeping the rioters at bay in the days that have seen some of the worst rioting throughout the nation in decades, not forgetting the 2009 riot at the G20 summit, where a man was killed by a police officer while trying to control the demonstration.

It's not an easy job, being a policeman - especially in a tumultuous time like this. What started off as small-scale protests eventually flared into nationwide panic that has drowned many parts of London - from Tottenham, Clapham and Catford, to Birmingham, Manchester and Liverpool. Properties are being looted, buildings and cars burned, people attacked - nothing and no one is spared from the wrath of the rioters.

How did all this boil down to this? Everyone has an opinion. Some say it's the youth's discontentment with the economy and/or government. Others say it was an instigated act of violence to topple Prime Minister David Cameron's administration. Few also believe this has a link to racial discrimination. But amidst all the confusion the fact remains the same: Britain is on the verge of a societal collapse. If the crisis is not averted soon, this may end up becoming a scene from Alan Moore's "V for Vendetta", where the public marched in anger against the iron-fisted regime of fictional fascist leader Adam Susan.

But how soon can this crisis be resolved? The Metropolitan Police has its hands full - even with 32,000 sworn officers, 9,000 special constables and community officers, as well as 14,000 civilian staff, they have to raise the numbers on duty to 16,000 in this week. And if that's not enough, officers have to work long hours just to ensure the streets are safe from rioters. Through social media and blogs, officers who have posted in the time of the riots have expressed themselves on what it is like to go through the daily horrors that plague much of London now. One officer, in his Twitter post, said: "Sunday 23hr shift. break pre-briefing + snacks/2 bottles water. No further food/water supplied. Monday 18hr shift. No break/water/food."

Hours later, the same officer posted this: "Been pelted with again with bottles and bricks. Looting happening everywhere. 15hr shift & counting."

PC Richard Stanley posted a picture of stressed out police colleagues resting, their heads slumped on canteen tables, exhausted both mentally and physically after the long, long hours (and days) of hard work through the brutality they face. That image is a very strong message that shows how the police are so seriously affected just to keep order in check across London.

But the police aren't just the only ones being brutalized. Fellow Malaysian Mohammed Ashraf Haziq was attacked and robbed and left to bleed, before being robbed again; Tariq Jahan, killed by looters as he and two Asian friends patrolled their neighbourhood in Birmingham; Polish woman Monika Konzyk, who had to leap from her burning flat set alight by looters; there are many more unnamed and unknown individuals out there who are suffering just as much yet are not given any form of aid, what with the police having their hands full.

Britain is losing face in the eyes of the global community. Many individuals have slammed against Cameron's ineffectiveness; his vacation trip that somehow coincided with his deputy's holiday; the proposed plan to cut the police's budget by about £2 million; and so much more. The nation's credibility as a free, peaceful, democratic nation is being chiselled away by these turn of events - and fast, if I may add. As Monika herself put it after her ordeal: "I thought London was a civilized society full of gentlemen and ladies - but it's not like that. England has become a sick country."

It's becoming a serious mess now, the situation.

But thankfully, there are still a handful of people who still have a heart of gold. These individuals, though not many, come out into the streets to clean up the debris and, for some like Philippa Morgan-Walker and her husband Johnny, handing out light refreshments and snacks to weary officers after battling the protesters for hours without any rest. Others have voiced out their support to policemen who pass by, with some even asking why couldn't the violence be meted out on an equal scale. Even in these dark hours, these few men and women showed that, despite all its faults, Britain is still full of Good Samaritans that has not fully caught the public eye. Even in Clapham Junction, there have been many inspirational scrawlings on walls and such that show how much support the police is receiving from the general public. One quote I like is this particularly vocal one: "You can shatter our glass but not our community!"

Apart from that, Tariq's father Jahan made public his hopes that things would change. Even though his son was killed, he did not demand that revenge was served. His message was clear: "I don't want any of you to fight." He is a prime example we should all salute in the ensuing chaos.

After reading so much about the disorder happening there, it actually made me realize that society has degraded so far in the years that passed. In England itself, a lot of people blame the education system for being the cause of creating so many unruly youngsters. But it's not confined to just the British: many other countries, like that of Libya, Egypt and Syria, are going through anarchy in the people's desperate fight for freedom from tyranny and oppression. As Raja Zarith Idris herself stated in her article in the recent Sunday Star, she has noted that society's attraction to materialistic wealth has taken a big toll on the world community. Moral values and virtues have become a thing of the past now. And that has led to these events.

Even Malaysia itself is a victim of many internal conflicts. But I leave that to the politicians until the next elections.

Raja Zarith Idris's opinions echo very well the problems Mankind needs to overcome before it can achieve peace. I find it very unnerving to read this particular passage in her article, which highlights the truth of our current situation:

A couple of years ago, I was flipping through one of those glossy society magazines and I saw a designer handbag that costs RM90,000. Would I have asked my husband to buy it for me? No, because the sight of those flood victims standing in line to receive just RM500 makes such a purchase sinful. How many families would the cost of that handbag help feed?

We should learn from the mistakes of Britain. Perhaps from there, our road to salvation will be much more uneventful.

Cheers all. And God bless the Met for their continued endeavours to keep London safe.

(Sourced from news reports from Guardian News and Media, The Daily Telegraph and the Sunday Star)

The 500th Post: A Quick Retrospective

So I finally have 500 posts published in this humble blog. What started as a little endeavor to create a blog about life and everything in between has led up to this.

February 2007 was the time I joined Blogger, while February 18th 2009 was the very first post on this blog. Well, technically it wasn't the first blog post I did. Another blog had preceded this one, but it's existence is now a blur of the past.

But in any case, this is my blog. And it will always remain so.

I posted much about Life as I see it, the experiences I went through, and of course - and inevitably - a copious amount of complaints and all. It was merely a humble beginning as I went through the rigors of change. In that time, I hadn't become the much-enlightened person I am today. So in hindsight, it's something like an embarrassing past to look back to.

But I digress. Experience makes us stronger, as a friend quoted.

As I look back on all I have gone through, as this blog continued to grow, I can't help but feel like I've come a really long way. It's been quite a harsh journey - full of ups and downs that get my blood boiling - but I'd say it's been a good one. It's an evolution of the me I once knew, to become something better in whole.

So yeah, I should congratulate myself for pulling through up till today.

And thank you, dear readers. Though a small contribution you played, it will suffice nonetheless. While many bloggers are beginning to phase out of blogging and into the world of "micro-blogging" (i.e. Twitter) I'd settle down with continuing this blog even if I'd be the last one left on Earth.

At the moment, cheers to everyone.

On another note, Sports Day came and went today. Head on Facebook to check out photos, thoughts and the like about the day. =)

Insights: Why?

On the subject of our previous matter, misinterpretations continue to poison the minds of many under the pretense of what is really "the right thing to do." In fact, it's wrong. Very wrong.

Like how some people say that, by not converting, you have yourself a one-way ticket to Hell. I don't think so. In fact, I beg to differ. Many friends of mine say that no matter who you are, God still loves you the same way He loves us. So why are they using fear to force people to convert, simply because they'll go to Hell if they don't?

It's a matter of choice if someone wishes to convert or not. Do we really expect everyone would want to convert? And do you really think you can get away sin-free for making such false allegations?

Can't we all remember what happened back in America in those days? Discrimination was such a serious topic that stained the history of America with prejudice and unnecessary bloodshed. Malaysia suffered from that very same problem in the sixties. Do we really want to go back to those times?

In fact, there are some people who are hypocrites. They claim themselves to be true to their faith, but their claims are baseless when they indulge in sin and they don't realize it. They think that they're so devout and faithful that they don't realize that they are corrupting the very faith they practise every day. It's not because they are sinful, but they are blinded by what they think is the truth.

Some people, in their haste or zealousness, don't realize that what they do only goes against what it is they practise. For example, you believe that there is good in others, but instead you only see, hear and speak of 'evil' in others. How would you know that that person is truly the Devil's advocate? What real proof do you have that speaks volumes of his/her behavior or principles?

Or you believe trust is the key to good working relationships, but instead you backstab your closest colleague just to get that promotion. Or you believe that everyone is different from you, but instead you're always making comparisons every day. Is that what someone should really do every single day?

What would your God say about such behavior? Can that really be tolerated? If someone did one of the above to you, how would you feel? And how would you react? If you decide that you should fight fire with fire, then I'm afraid you're a lost cause.

Is that really the becoming of a human being? To the extent we give up so much to please our little selves? Whatever happened to compassion, happiness and love for one another? Have they already been forgotten?

I'd say they have been so since a long time ago.

We've come a long way now, but no one seems to have learned from our past mistakes. No one seems to care whether or not it matters. They'd rather live a contented life as they continue to bloat and spoil themselves in the revelries of sin. And even if they don't plague themselves with sin, there are still those who don't realize the mistakes they made and the mess they left behind.

But despite all the negativity that continues to spread like wildfire, I still stay hopefuly that the future will be a bright one. While I admit there are certain quarters who only fill me with a sense of regret - regret in the fact they will never know of change until it's too late - I see a handful of my friends who continue to give me hope, that there still is good in the heart of Mankind. Could we be the last of Man who can redeem itself of its sins? If God does decide that his covenant with Noah has been broken by our actions, would He bring Judgment Day upon us all without hesitation?

Who would He spare in that time?

I can only pray that, in time, I will have the answers I seek.

Insights

People tend to contradict the words of others and turn them into a whole new meaning. Whether by accident or otherwise, this occurence may lead to disastrous results if left alone. We can easily see it happening all around us, be it here in the country or somewhere abroad.

Because of these ignorant parties, words or phrases that mean no harm at all can suddenly become insulting, defamatory or slanderous to others that lead to unwanted consequences. Haven't we learned from our mistakes? And if that's not enough, when asked to apologize, these people defiantly justify their actions or words that it only enrages the opposing side even further. Nobody ever considers a more peaceable approach to solving the matter immediately. The long tirades of insults will continue for centuries to come.

And let's not forget the bigger problems that stem from their need of justification; war, riots, political turmoil - the list goes on.

In fact, in the Exodus, it is mentioned how, after Moses and Aaron bade to Pharaoh to let the people of God go, Pharaoh told all his taskmasters and officers:

"Ye shall no more give the people straw to make brick, as heretofore: let them go and gather  straw for themselves. And the tale of the bricks, which they did make heretofore, you shall lay upon them; you shall not diminish ought thereof: for they be idle; therefore they cry, saying, 'Let us go and sacrifice to our God.' Let there more work be laid upon the men, that they may labour therein; and let them not regard vain words." (Exodus 5:7-9)

And from there, the Israelites continued to suffer.

While Moses brought God's word to Pharaoh, that Pharaoh should let the Israelites go in peace, Pharaoh may have thought Moses was planning to lead a revolution against the Egyptians. Because he did not see how he had brought misery to the Israelites by enslaving them, Pharaoh believed that he had to control them further by tightening his grip over the Israelites. The same picture might just happen in the near future.

But we're not here to discuss of the bigger picture. Instead, we should look at it from the personal point-of-view. Everything starts here: from ourselves. So if we want to really change the world, we need to change ourselves.

To see how we inevitably lead ourselves to self-destruction is a saddening sight indeed. How we tend to believe in only ourselves. How we choose to alter the words of others, or in our beliefs and principles. How we do not want to tolerate others. Or not to live a compassionate life. Or to ignore the cries of anguish from the lost, the least and the lonely. Don't we get it? And when will we get it?

Nobody can truly justify what is true and what is false. Everyone holds a certain stand to a certain topic, and it may not be so easy to change their mindset. Like how a victim of rape may see all men as lustful monsters, or an ex-convict seeking to atone his sins may not be welcomed back into society. Hardline stances are hard to change when they do not have a valid reason into actions or events that will change them. We are a difficult bunch to please.

And let's not forget there will be detractors. They will always find some way to stand for the things they believe is 'right'. But again, what is right and what is wrong to Man? Does it satisfy the requisites as mentioned in your beliefs or religion? Does it seem logically sound? How we accept the information is up to what influences us. It is just like when St. John Baptist De La Salle faced the 'Writing Masters', those who preached the old ways of education, in court numerous times. The Writing Masters saw La Salle as a threat to their sovereignty as the only ones who were fit to educate the young. And because they did not want to change, to conform to something that was truly righteous, they went against La Salle many times.

The question that remains is whether we truly sate everyone's wants and needs. There is, without a doubt, no real way to substantiate this claim. We all have our own wishes and desires. But if we can open our hearts to the reality that no one is wrong in what they believe in, mayhaps the world would be so much more peaceful. The longer our misunderstandings remain, the deeper our enmity with one another.

I do not think our respective God wanted us to live this way.

Insights: Of Tolerance and Opinions

Just recently I received a religious joke and, I admit, found it funny. But when I shared it with another, she was offended.

So before I continue I humbly apologize to anyone else who shares the same sentiments as this friend of mine. I've learned well from the experience.

It made me think about tolerance: what do we really tolerate? And in the context of sensitive issues such as this, how much CAN we tolerate?

It is undeniable that tolerance is a virtue. With it, we can actually put up with the numerous behaviors Man can provide - no matter how absurd or horrifying it may be. Some people have the tolerance level of a Zen monk. Some others are gravely offended by even the smallest of quirks. Some let it slide. Others find it difficult to forgive and forget.

But what do we tolerate?

For some, tolerance is invaluable. Certain quarters (usually a very small minority of the world's population) find it very easy to just brush something aside as light-hearted humor. Despite the message it may carry, or the implications it may bring in the long run, these men and women can just laugh it off and forget about it almost immediately so that they can avoid unwanted confrontations that can end even the strongest of friendships. How these people actually hold up to even some of the most insulting remarks is beyond anyone's comprehension. Some would call them "not right in their heads," but they're just as normal as you and I.

There have been instances where people who have a high amount of tolerance can turn things around to work for him. Enemies can become friends, bad situations turn into good ones, etctera. While these may sound like they come from some hit TV dramas, they are a reality. It's just that we've never seen it happen before, nor have we experience something like it. It's something like friends having a blast from poking fun at a fellow buddy, but at the end of the day they still go out for a drink and share lots of laughs without caring of what they said.

You might say it's nothing to do with tolerance. But believe me, if you look closely it's very deeply intertwined in that example.

On the other side of the fence though, there still exists handfuls of people who take offense pretty easily. It's not that they have no sense of humor or because they're overly-sensitive. It's the same as how some people prefer chocolate ice cream and others strawberry ice cream. (Personally I enjoy both!) They just have different opinions about what is being discussed, for isn't that what separates us from the rest? So while you might enjoy Russell Peter's antics as he seemingly insults numerous races across the globe, some may find it grossly racist. To them, making such jokes does not have any logical rational or even simply for comedy's sake. But should we really blame them?

The pro-tolerance people would shrug it off and get on with life. The opposites would definitely find lots to complain about, or would prefer to quietly keep it to themselves. IF you do want to tell me that you're either going with the former or the latter or, perhaps, just sit on the fence, I got no say to your choice. When it comes to tolerance, our choice of opinions matter most.

In a world where the little things could spark the largest of conflicts, it's no surprise that we have a very equal number of opposites in the subject of thinking. It's not like I want to separate Man into two or more separate camps in the school of thought, but merely point out everyone has their opinions on anything. If you ask anyone the same question, you're bound to get a lot of different answers to it. It's unavoidable. Everyone has their say, depending on their beliefs and principles.

If I ask you about euthanasia (mercy killing/pulling the plug; this shall be discussed in a later article) I'm definitely sure you have your thoughts. Some of you may agree that patients have a right to choose whether to live or not; some of you will feel death is not the final solution. It's all a matter of opinion. (Though on the subject of euthanasia, I have my doubts on the implications of legalizing it. More later)

As I was about to finish this up, I decided to ask my friend (the one whom I had told the joke to) of her opinion on the matter. She said: "Well, I would give that person the look and say that's not nice. Not because I'm religious but as a person with some common sense, we shouldn't make fun of people's beliefs."

So to end this topic, I would like to ask you the same question I asked her: if a friend of yours were to make a religious/racist joke - note that the term is JOKE, not REMARK, please; there is a large difference between both terms - and did not actually mean to insult or offend any parties, how would you react - especially if your religion/race is mentioned? Would you pass it off as 'comedy', or would you reprimand your friend for being so insolent? What is the reason for your reaction?

Do leave me your honest opinions after reading this. Your insights will help me understand the topic further and, maybe, we shall discuss it in depth. Cheers!

Insights: Strength Within

Do you read the papers regularly? Honestly, I'll admit that I don't take the trouble to do so, but once in a while I do pick it up to see what interesting or inspiring articles the daily would offer. And what I find always does give me inspiration.

Take the recent Star2 article (Sunday, June 12th) about a boy named Grayson Gilbert. If you don't read the Star, I'll print a few lines of the article here:

'The boy approached the marble statue, gazing up - miles up, as he remembers it now - into the face of the benevolent figure it depicted. 

It was May 8, 1996, and Grayson Gilbert, six, had a lot on his mind. 

A few months earlier, surgeons had found a tumour woven through his abdominal cavity... They'd removed his gall bladder, half his stomach and 80 percent of his pancreas. Chemotherapy had taken his hair.

And as he waited to see his doctors again, the boy was leaving a personal note at the feet of the sculpture of Jesus that has graced the foyer below the dome at John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore since 1896. 

"Dear Jesus," it read in his wobbly hand. "This is Grayson. If you could, just heal the other kids please. Thank you very much." 

Jed Kirschbaum, a photographer for the Sun newspaper, happened to be in the room seeking an image to accompany an article the paper was running about the 100th anniversary of the statue. The photo he got off - of the frail boy in his orange baseball shirt, his hairless head illuminated by a shaft of light - hit the front page on Mother's Day and moved readers in a way few ever do. 

...There's no reason Grayson has emerged as a medical anomaly. But as he sits on the couch in his family home... one factor is impossible to miss. "I've always had this faith," he says, "that things are going to work out."'

Doctors only gave him a year to live - if he was lucky. At best, five years if he was one of a rare few. But now he's a communications major at Towson University after going through numerous life-threatening ordeals. What he suffered from was a rare medical condition, and even after recovering from that he went through many other complications that almost killed him. In fact, 'Grayson Gilbert still faces an uncertain future. The varices could flare up, as could many of his prior conditions if he doesn't stay on top of them.'

But his doctor says 'his condition is stable, that no road map exists but that Grayson should live a long life.'

Now, 21-year old Grayson has become somewhat of a symbol of hope to what I would say the lost, least and lonely - specifically those who suffer from terminal diseases like cancer. After the photo ran in the Sun, 'representatives of the Children's Miracle Network - childrensmiraclenetworkhospitals.org, the international organisation that raises funds for sick children - contacted Grayson. Before that year was up, the nonprofit [group] named him its ambassador for the state of Maryland. They flew the Gilberts to Florida, where they stayed at Disney World, met celebrities and spoke with others in their situation. The kid with cancer had another lease in life.'

Not only that, 'Grayson got it into his head to raise money for cancer research to "help the other kids."' With the help of officials from the Jos. A. Bank Clothiers, the company put his drawings onto neckties and over the last decade, 'Grayson and other patients from the John Hopkins Children's Center have designed "Miracle Ties" that have raised tens of thousands of dollars for the Children's Miracle Network.'

Shouldn't we see his strength as something we should learn? While we continue to grumble about how stupid this fellow is, or how dumb that subject is and so on, shouldn't we realize that all that continual complaining is only a waste of our time? Our time here on this Earth is just like Shakespeare's "brief candle." One day we will fade away from this mortal world. Shouldn't we be playing our part?

Stop and smell the flowers. Buy a child ice cream. Play with Down's Syndrome kids. Do something. We only have one life to give. Shouldn't we give for the sake of a greater good? What would you do if you were in Grayson's shoes?

If all you've ever done is gripe throughout your entire lifespan, then it's too late to regret.

Cheers, everyone.

More links:
http://www.reporterherald.com/print.asp?ID=32972
http://www.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/sun-magazine/bs-sm-statue-grayson-gilbert-archives,0,1950296.story
http://www.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/sun-magazine/bs-sm-cancer-survivor-20110522,0,465722.story

Insights

Flipping through the recent edition of the ODJ, I had a flash of inspiration: add quotes sourced from religions across the world (if not the minor ones, then at least the major ones will do) in my posts. Well, depending on the context I intend to use it with.

I don't know. Personally, if one can find inspiration from their respective religious scriptures, then surely it should be shared. Rather than waste our time fighting each other we should be doing more good in the name of our respective gods. Tolerance is a better solution than confrontation.

On to today's topic:

There is a story in Buddhist circles, when the Buddha held up a flower in front of an audience of 1250 monks. He did not say anything for quite a while. Suddenly, he smiled. He smiled because someone in the audience, a monk named Mahakashyapa, smiled at him and the flower he was holding. The monk was the only person who smiled, and the Buddha then said, "I have a treasure of insight and I have transmitted it to Mahakashyapa."

Indeed, many Buddhists continue to wonder what was the meaning behind the story. But, according to the Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, the meaning is simple: when you are given a flower to admire, the person offering it to you wants you to see it - not think about it, not ponder about it, but just to see it. If you kept on thinking about it, you miss the flower. 'The person who is not thinking,' Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh says, 'but just being himself, will be able to encounter the flower in depth.'

Does that ring a bell? In conclusion: the more we're not living in the present, the more we will miss. We shouldn't keep ourselves so preoccupied in our problems and worries; sometimes, we should just let them slide. Then we will realize life is truly a beautiful experience. Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh also has this to add:

"Living in peace is something we all want. But I would like to ask: Do we have the capacity of enjoying peace? If peace were here would you be able to enjoy it... or would you find it boring? To me, peace, happiness, joy and life all go together, and we can experience them right in the present moment. It is always available to us but if we are not able to experience it, how can we make peace grow?

"When I have a toothache, I discover that not having a toothache is a wonderful experience. That is peace. I had to have a toothache in order to be enlightened, to know that not having it is wonderful. My non-toothache is peace, is joy. But when I do not have a toothache, I do not seem to be happy. So if I look deeply into the present moment, I will understand and appreciate that if I don't have a toothache, it should indeed make me very happy. 

"I know a doctor who lost her eyesight... To her, to be able to see again would be a miracle. She says that she would be in paradise if she could recover her eyesight. Based on this incident, most of us would already be in paradise because we have eyes capable of seeing. When we open our eyes, we can see the blue sky... lovely flowers, and beautiful children. But are we happy with ourselves? So we need to remind ourselves to be mindful that we have eyes to appreciate the beauty of life."

Think about it. Cheers, all.

Entries

Frustration

Anger

Dread

Futility

Another stressful day

Full of nothing

But stress

My brain cannot take it no more

It's all going

Down a void

In my head

I wish

I could just relax

All day long

But

I do not have that luxury

Life put paid to such luxuries

But it isn't just that

Anti-social feelings

Hatred and rage

Well up in me

Unavoidably

There are just days

When I ask myself

"Why am I still here

When this world

Has nothing for me?"

Strange as it may sound

This is not the first time

It has happened

But I believe it's normal

When we feel

Downcast

Grieved

Unhappy

Over what happens to us

That we wonder

If there still is purpose

For us

It's inevitable

That we get caught up

In the ruckus

Of all that happens around us

Whether or not

It affects us

Directly

Or indirectly

Discouragement

Disappointment

Resentment

Humiliation

Depression

Discontentment

Disapproval

Mistrust

Negativity spreads

Like a plague

It infects us

Deep in our hearts

And gnaws away

At our conscience

Until we are consumed

By its pestilence

At which

There is no way to redeem oneself

There is no definite vaccine

To this affliction

We can only do

All that in our power

To ensure it does not propagate

It takes will

Courage

Belief

And of course

Faith

To overcome it

A rational mind

Is a healthy mind

For a moment of laxity

Can mislead one

To a lifetime of sin

We are merely human

Such proclivities

To turn to our dark sides

Are hard to resist

Yet again

The machinations of the Devil

In all its subtlety

Take heart

Stand firm

And if ever it may happen again

Do not despair

It is not the end

The end

Is when you believe

You never ever began

In the first place

So I pen it all down

Silently praying for a cure

Silently praying this, too, shall pass

Never a predicament

Silently