Thoughts: Gollum and Smeagol

Remember the conversation between Gollum and Smeagol in the LOTR movie The Two Towers as Frodo and Sam slept?

GOLLUM: Wicked, tricksy, false!
SMEAGOL: No, not master.
Yes... precious! They will cheat you, hurt you, lie...
But... master's my friend!
You don't have any friends. Nobody wants you.
Go away!
Go away?
I hate you... I hate you!
Where would you be without me? I saved us. It was me... we survived because of me!
Not... anymore...
What did you say?
Master's our friend now...
What?
Leave, now, and never come back!
No!
Leave now, and never come back!


LEAVE NOW and NEVER come back!!!


Yes... I'm free! I'm free! Smeagol's FREE!!!


The conflict between Gollum and Smeagol actually reminds me that there are two sides to us. Whether we listen to the good or the evil is a choice we must carefully choose. It will ultimately decide our fate in the future.

Cheers.

Thoughts: In Solitude

A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends. 

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is it like being part of a group of friends? As in, a group you've shared highs and lows with for a very long time till you are very familiar with the personalities of one another?

I've been a loner all my life, even when I surround myself with friends, to the extent I never really felt what it's like to be really involved in a group conversation. Most times, I feel like I'm out of touch with whatever it is they're talking about. Other times, I feel like I'm not supposed to be there in the first place. I feel like a complete stranger to their topic or with the people I talk to.

Whenever I see people coming together just to share laughs or discuss work, I can't help but ask myself: "Is something wrong with me? These people have no problems mingling with each other, while here I am sitting all alone, watching them have a good time from afar rather than be involved with them. Why aren't I part of them?"

Was it nature itself that brought me up to be the lone ranger, or was it something of my own doing? But it can't be. Ever since I was young, I've always made it a point to be a friend to everyone - even if I did get on their nerves sometimes. I've moved on now. The years have provided me with much experience, and I continue to learn to be better than I am. But why does it still feel so tough just to take part in a conversation? Have the years of self-doubt dulled my social skills?

I have a yearning to be part of something. But on many occasions have I isolated myself when the opportunity arises. What compels me to stay away?

Maybe it's because I overcomplicate myself and my problems. Maybe I tell myself that I don't belong too often to the extent I've given into my fear of rejection. Maybe it's my presumption that no one really listens to me, that my voice carries no weight. Maybe it's because I believe no one really cares about what I do or say. Am I right? Where else could I have gone wrong? Or is it mere illusion?

While I offer counsel - however I can - to some who feel the same way, I can't help but feel like I don't know who to turn to when I have my (frequent) episodes of loneliness. I turn to Kuan Yin for answers, but I'm pretty sure she would tell me the answers are closer than I think. I wish that was true. I wish I'd found a solution sooner. Then perhaps I wouldn't be this worried.

Somebody tell me something. I know I worry too much (and I still believe I may have GAD, the cause of all my problems - look it up yourself; here's a hint: it's a psychological disorder) and I'm trying very, very hard to find a remedy. But I can't do it alone.

In fact, another flaw in my character is that I can only feel good about myself if there are people who express their faith in me. I can never reassure myself that I did a good job. I can never be satisfied. And then the cycle continues. Maybe it's an extension of my fear of rejection? I don't know; maybe it is. I could definitely find a way to rise from the ashes again but sooner or later I'll hit another wall like this - like I have countless times already. Only through the close friends I had in those times allowed me to overcome those obstacles.

Do I fear self-destructing? Yes, indeed I do. The last thing I need at any time would be to lose it and descend into madness - a fate much worse than death, IMO. How I actually pressed on would be because of the support I had behind me. My family and friends proved to be of great help in those times. And now with my family facing a crisis of its own, I do hope I can count on my good friends in school and across the country (and even the globe) to lend me a hand in my most dire of times.

Small as they may seem, you know how I tend to over-exaggerate them. I need to be grounded firmly so I don't let my mind wander too far. Slowly, but surely, this 'crisis' of mine would finally be over. This war I've fought for years would finally come to an end.

Hopefully I'll finally get over this lingering problem. God help me, I hope I do.

Turn on your heartlight
Let it shine wherever you go
Let it make a happy glow
For all the world to see
Turn on your heartlight
In the middle of a young boy's dream
Don't wake me up too soon
Gonna take a ride across the moon
You and me
~ Neil Diamond's "Heartlight"

Lastly, a warm thank-you to RJ, Sara, Sandra, Debra, Mabel, Kelly, Said, Rickleus, Jerry and Tihn Chern for being there for me in my troubled times, no matter how small your contribution was. If only there was some other way I could repay you. Cheers!

Show Me The Meaning...

...of true suffering
...of being lonely
...of psychological torture
...of love
...of hate
...of willpower
...of true friendship
...of strength
...of spiritual rebirth
...of sweet success
...of pain
...of misery
...of poverty
...of dread
...of despair
...of being close to Death
...of great burdens
...of talent
...of perseverance
...of patience
...of determination
...of stamina
...of trust
...of the past, of the present, and of the future

If I knew what they really mean to a man, mayhaps I may understand what it means to suffer - and what it takes to break from the bonds of suffering.

Oh that my grief were thoroughly weighed, and my calamity laid in the balances together!For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea: therefore my words are swallowed up.For the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison whereof drinks up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me.~ Job 6:2-4

Entries

The nemesis came again

Marching in full force

Could it be over soon?

Could this war come full circle?

For years

I have did battle with it

The nemesis and I

Know each other well

Far too well, in fact

For all our conflict

Has led us to learn of the other's strength

And that of his weakness too

But time and again

I have proven resourceful

Wily and cunning

The nemesis

It learns

Years have flown by

And those years have done little

To whittle its strength

It becomes greater by the day

By the hour

By the minute

By every passing second

Slowly my will falters

With every passing moment

The poisons of the nemesis

Beginning to work

Their dark magicks

Walls crumble and fall

The nemesis pours his malice

His rage and fury

Through the cracks

His minions march relentlessly

While my men

Brave as they are

They are no match to something

Incomparable to the mortal soul

The nemesis knows it will win

But the question is:

When?

One last fortress stands now

The rest all but conquered

Under the banner of the nemesis

The mighty bastion

A firm testament

Of endurance, strength and determination

Manned by hundreds of thousands

Loyal men and women

Willing to give their lives

To defend what is dearest to us

All of us

I watch the horizon

The trails of smoke

Signifying the nemesis's army

Coming from the south

Approximately fifty kilometers

From where I stood

I couldn't help but wonder

What could I expect from this?

Defeat?

Victory?

"It's all up to you"

Says the stranger

Sipping on tea

With scones on the side

Watching the smoke plumes rise

From the campfire next to me

Wait

How is it that he's here?

"Don't you know me well enough by now?"

He grinned

As he always does

I saunter up to him

Troops passing me by

Engrossed with preparations

I take a seat next to him

And he proffers a scone

"It's tasty," he adds

I take one

Hesitantly

Before I open my m0uth to ask

He answers

"It's only a dream after all"

I blink

Is he speaking the truth?

"Of course!

How is it

That you're fighting off

An unspeakable evil

When you're actually

On a train ride

Going somewhere

In hopes of finding answers?"

I blink

He definitely is speaking truth

"What you face now,"

He continues

Another scone down

Sipping his tea

"This nemesis

I believe it's an extension

Of your dark side

Or something you've been hiding

What could it be?

I believe you should tell me that

What are you hiding?"

"My insecurities, stranger

My fears

My doubts

My despair

My loneliness

My...

Well

Essentially, my pessimism

No more, no less

The fight here is

More or less

A metaphorical description

Of the mental battle I wage

Likened to be a real conflict

And

I'm on the losing side"

I finish with a sigh

He offered another scone

As he thought

Of what he should say

It seems so easy

For one like him

To offer advice

"It's a war alright"

He looks around him

At the soldiers pacing up and down

A menagerie of veterans

And brave civilians

"I can imagine

The troops are your mental 'resolve'

The only thing standing

In fear's way

But...

For an army

It seems so insignificant"

"I've told you," I reply

"I'm on the losing side

My morale's never been this low

In fact

It's become a battle

Just to get through a day

Without any bruises or wounds"

"It's funny

You only found out

About your condition

Only days ago

And already you're giving up?

Are you kidding?

You're such a pessimist"

I hang my head

"If you didn't know already

I AM ONE

And there's nothing I can do

To change that fact"

"See a doctor first

Then talk

You haven't even started

And already you're complaining?

You're a joke, boy"

"Listen!"

I stand up in anger

The stranger gazes at me

Not surprised

Perhaps expecting my tantrum?

The others ignore us

As they continue to make ready

For the following

"If you were in my shoes

Then you'd understand

How I really feel"

"No matter how much

How much I fight

Every time I reach

A break through

The nemesis finds a weakness

And back it is to square one

He is anathema

The perfect embodiment

Of my worst nightmare

Everything goes down the drain

Everything

Everything!"

"How long have I been fighting now?

Too many years now!

All the conflict we've waged

Up until this point

I don't want to fight

I'm sick and tired

I'm weary and weak

I can't go on any further

I really can't

No more

Not anymore"

My shoulders stoop

The stranger keeps his eyes on me

He nods

"Then

I guess

This marks the end of my journey

With you, my friend

I cannot help you

Win this war

It is one

You have to win yourself

Thus

I wish you well

And I wish you peace"

He rises from his seat

Teacup still in his hand

Now empty

Pats my shoulder

And disappears

Klaxons blare

Someone in the distance

Screams in panic

Another shouts

The enemy approaches!

In the distance

Legions of the nemesis' men

March to claim victory

While in the fortress

Prayers

Tears

Farewells

Preparations

Weapon checks

The lot

The stranger is gone now

Forever?

Honestly?

I don't know

I'm lost now

The enemy approaches

And I worry

This battle may be my last

Fear not, friends

The entries will continue

So long as I live

But I live in the shadow

Of my own fears

And that of the nemesis

That lurks inside me

He taunts me all the time

Enticing me to fight on

Should I?

For too long now I've been fighting

I don't know what else

I have left in me

Maybe I've no other choice

But to finish this

And see how it ends

If I fall

Bury me in an unmarked grave

Somewhere on the outskirts

Close to nature

Have a small tombstone

And on it

Etch my epitaph

"If only I were better

Than who I was"

Send me a garland of flowers

Once a year

And remember me

For the little good that I've done

For you

If any at all

I pray that this is not the end

(:

This one goes to you, dear anonymous friend.

Honestly, I don't know who you are, but your trips to my blog are much appreciated. Though it's been a while since your last visit, the few comments you left on my Chatbox were very much insightful and inspiring as well. So thank you.

Have we met? Do we know one another personally? It would be a great pleasure if you and I could meet up one day over a cup of hot chocolate, sharing thoughts and laughs.

Why not?

Cheers for now.

Thoughts

Evangelists. Not that I have anything against them, but I don't understand why they're so intent on converting everybody.

Shouldn't they have some respect for the other person's religion if he/she doesn't want to convert?

This was the case just this Wednesday (a public holiday, no less) when a woman (of which group/church I will not state here) were in my neighborhood. One woman came to the gate and talked to my mum about "the changing world" and all that jazz. Sure, it's changing, we can see it in the papers, duh.

After she left (leaving behind a magazine or something) another group happened to pass by. Another woman came to the gate and started asking the same things, this time to me. I kept insisting - very politely, mind you - that her friend had already come and left us a nice little gift. But the aunty just kept on insisting to talk to us and trying to convince us she's up to no harm, until finally she relented and left us a present too.

My mum was annoyed. "Nuisance(s)," she muttered angrily.

C'mon now, we're happy with our religion and faith. Why should we convert? Why, 'cause - according to some hardliners - if we don't we go to Hell? Bullshit.

None of MY Christian friends (and I have many) ever asked me to convert. And they never told me that I'd go to Hell if I didn't. So what's wrong with this picture?

Let's not get too overanxious with all this, can we? Everybody has a choice. So please, understand that WE have already made our choice. Thank you.

Cheers all.

The London Crisis: A Post

For this post, I will take this opportunity to salute and praise the English police forces for their valiant efforts in keeping the rioters at bay in the days that have seen some of the worst rioting throughout the nation in decades, not forgetting the 2009 riot at the G20 summit, where a man was killed by a police officer while trying to control the demonstration.

It's not an easy job, being a policeman - especially in a tumultuous time like this. What started off as small-scale protests eventually flared into nationwide panic that has drowned many parts of London - from Tottenham, Clapham and Catford, to Birmingham, Manchester and Liverpool. Properties are being looted, buildings and cars burned, people attacked - nothing and no one is spared from the wrath of the rioters.

How did all this boil down to this? Everyone has an opinion. Some say it's the youth's discontentment with the economy and/or government. Others say it was an instigated act of violence to topple Prime Minister David Cameron's administration. Few also believe this has a link to racial discrimination. But amidst all the confusion the fact remains the same: Britain is on the verge of a societal collapse. If the crisis is not averted soon, this may end up becoming a scene from Alan Moore's "V for Vendetta", where the public marched in anger against the iron-fisted regime of fictional fascist leader Adam Susan.

But how soon can this crisis be resolved? The Metropolitan Police has its hands full - even with 32,000 sworn officers, 9,000 special constables and community officers, as well as 14,000 civilian staff, they have to raise the numbers on duty to 16,000 in this week. And if that's not enough, officers have to work long hours just to ensure the streets are safe from rioters. Through social media and blogs, officers who have posted in the time of the riots have expressed themselves on what it is like to go through the daily horrors that plague much of London now. One officer, in his Twitter post, said: "Sunday 23hr shift. break pre-briefing + snacks/2 bottles water. No further food/water supplied. Monday 18hr shift. No break/water/food."

Hours later, the same officer posted this: "Been pelted with again with bottles and bricks. Looting happening everywhere. 15hr shift & counting."

PC Richard Stanley posted a picture of stressed out police colleagues resting, their heads slumped on canteen tables, exhausted both mentally and physically after the long, long hours (and days) of hard work through the brutality they face. That image is a very strong message that shows how the police are so seriously affected just to keep order in check across London.

But the police aren't just the only ones being brutalized. Fellow Malaysian Mohammed Ashraf Haziq was attacked and robbed and left to bleed, before being robbed again; Tariq Jahan, killed by looters as he and two Asian friends patrolled their neighbourhood in Birmingham; Polish woman Monika Konzyk, who had to leap from her burning flat set alight by looters; there are many more unnamed and unknown individuals out there who are suffering just as much yet are not given any form of aid, what with the police having their hands full.

Britain is losing face in the eyes of the global community. Many individuals have slammed against Cameron's ineffectiveness; his vacation trip that somehow coincided with his deputy's holiday; the proposed plan to cut the police's budget by about £2 million; and so much more. The nation's credibility as a free, peaceful, democratic nation is being chiselled away by these turn of events - and fast, if I may add. As Monika herself put it after her ordeal: "I thought London was a civilized society full of gentlemen and ladies - but it's not like that. England has become a sick country."

It's becoming a serious mess now, the situation.

But thankfully, there are still a handful of people who still have a heart of gold. These individuals, though not many, come out into the streets to clean up the debris and, for some like Philippa Morgan-Walker and her husband Johnny, handing out light refreshments and snacks to weary officers after battling the protesters for hours without any rest. Others have voiced out their support to policemen who pass by, with some even asking why couldn't the violence be meted out on an equal scale. Even in these dark hours, these few men and women showed that, despite all its faults, Britain is still full of Good Samaritans that has not fully caught the public eye. Even in Clapham Junction, there have been many inspirational scrawlings on walls and such that show how much support the police is receiving from the general public. One quote I like is this particularly vocal one: "You can shatter our glass but not our community!"

Apart from that, Tariq's father Jahan made public his hopes that things would change. Even though his son was killed, he did not demand that revenge was served. His message was clear: "I don't want any of you to fight." He is a prime example we should all salute in the ensuing chaos.

After reading so much about the disorder happening there, it actually made me realize that society has degraded so far in the years that passed. In England itself, a lot of people blame the education system for being the cause of creating so many unruly youngsters. But it's not confined to just the British: many other countries, like that of Libya, Egypt and Syria, are going through anarchy in the people's desperate fight for freedom from tyranny and oppression. As Raja Zarith Idris herself stated in her article in the recent Sunday Star, she has noted that society's attraction to materialistic wealth has taken a big toll on the world community. Moral values and virtues have become a thing of the past now. And that has led to these events.

Even Malaysia itself is a victim of many internal conflicts. But I leave that to the politicians until the next elections.

Raja Zarith Idris's opinions echo very well the problems Mankind needs to overcome before it can achieve peace. I find it very unnerving to read this particular passage in her article, which highlights the truth of our current situation:

A couple of years ago, I was flipping through one of those glossy society magazines and I saw a designer handbag that costs RM90,000. Would I have asked my husband to buy it for me? No, because the sight of those flood victims standing in line to receive just RM500 makes such a purchase sinful. How many families would the cost of that handbag help feed?

We should learn from the mistakes of Britain. Perhaps from there, our road to salvation will be much more uneventful.

Cheers all. And God bless the Met for their continued endeavours to keep London safe.

(Sourced from news reports from Guardian News and Media, The Daily Telegraph and the Sunday Star)

Enya's Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)

Let me sail, let me sail, let the Orinoco flow,

Let me reach, let me beach on the shores of Tripoli.

Let me sail, let me sail, let me crash upon your shore,

Let me reach, let me beach far beyond the Yellow Sea.

(sail away, sail away, sail away) (sail away, sail away, sail away)

(sail away, sail away, sail away) (sail away, sail away, sail away)

From Bissau to Palau - in the shade of Avalon,

From Fiji to Tiree and the Isles of Ebony,

From Peru to Cebu hear the power of Babylon,

From Bali to Cali - far beneath the Coral Sea.

(sail away, sail away, sail away) (sail away, sail away, sail away)

(sail away, sail away, sail away) (sail away, sail away, sail away)

From the North to the South, Ebudae into Khartoum,

From the deep sea of Clouds to the island of the moon,

Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never been,

Carry me on the waves to the lands I've never seen.

We can sail, we can sail... (With the Orinoco flow)

We can sail, we can sail... (sail away, sail away)

We can steer, we can near with Rob Dickins at the wheel,

We can sigh, say goodbye Ross and his dependencies

We can sail, we can sail...(sail away. sail away)

(We can reach we can beach, on the shores of Tripoli)

We can sail, we can sail...(sail away, sail away, sail away)

(From Bali to Cali - far beneath the Coral Sea.)

[2x:] We can sail, we can sail... (sail away, sail away, sail away)

[3x:] (sail away, sail away, sail away) 

Updates From The La Salle Centre

Was planning to write something longer with the time I have left. But it can be hard for the mind to let imagination flow when you just woke up, like, 20 minutes ago.

Still feeling pretty sleepy, I admit.

But anyway, FT2 was a great weekend. Full of thrills, good food, lame jokes, fun and games and the like. Also, the later session yesterday opened our eyes to how politics greatly affects our lives, whether we like it or not. A very insightful topic, it was, and everybody learned something new.

The day will be over at 1.30pm later, so it's kinda sad to leave. But at least there're new friends to meet in the upcoming Nationals. Hopefully I'll be able to attend. Wouldn't miss it for the world!

Updates

The Prefect AGM held today went smoothly, Finally, I have retired from the Board - for the second time in my life. Feels nostalgic indeed to be in the shoes of an ordinary everyday student now. But I definitely will miss the times I had in the Board, in the company of wonderful people.

So thank you to everyone for doing an excellent job. Here's to you!

Cheers for now, friends.

We Are Like Monsters To Each Other

Take a good look in the mirror.

Think of 10 things that make you who you are.

Voice them out loud.

Think of 3 things you feel needs a makeover.

Voice those out loud too.

Process all that you've thought and said.

The time it takes for you to do both has a very large difference.

It's been said before that a person can only say nothing but praise for himself/herself and disgust for others deemed of a lower class in any aspect. Vice versa applies.

Now, think of 20 people you dislike.

From that list cut it down to the top 5 you hate.

Easy?

Now, apart from your parents and your true-to-life BFFs, list 6 people who have changed your life for the better. And I don't mean simple changes. In simple terms, people who brought the MOST PROFOUND changes in you - changes that have shaped you to become someone new, or someone better.

How about that?

Process all that you've thought and said.

Better rearrange your priorities.

On another note (one which is related to this post) I would like all of you to know that if you hate me down to the smallest bone, then I'm not going to make you change. Keep it to yourselves. And keep it up, for all I care. Fuck up my life if it makes you happy. I bend and break like any other ordinary human. But I relish the challenge.

So adieu for now.

There Is No Way They Will Wake Up

I do not mean the people who are in a vegetative state. I mean the unenlightened people - people who don't seem to realize there's more to Life than just wasting time doing nothing, understanding nothing.

Knowledge is power; how can you not see that? If we want to become bright minds of tomorrow then we should not stop learning. But you assume that you have no need for all this knowledge. It's only because you were FORCED to learn that you begin to read. If there was no force to make you read, then if given the choice you definitely wouldn't, would you?

When you believe you've learned enough, you can never learn any more. No matter how much you force yourself to, you will never be able to expand your existing knowledge base. Would you rather be left behind in the tide of change than embrace it? If 'yes' is your answer, you are already a lost cause.

It's such a shame you choose to live in ignorance. There are so many people who wish to learn, but cannot because of the state in which they live in. You - you have a chance to become someone who can change the very nature of the world with the knowledge you possess. You are lucky to be given this chance. Instead, you throw it away into the wind.

What a shame, what a shame.

As the saying goes: "knowledge is power; guard it well." For the poor sods who'd rather throw it away, the quote would be "knowledge is a waste of my time."

We'll see.

With Opened Eyes I See The Truth

It only just occurred to me that, indirectly, I have become an unwitting tool to be manipulated.

And this stems from the fact that I'm just too plain nice. I can never say no. To (almost) anyone. At all. The rare few instances where I put my foot down is only if (a) I'm too busy to involve myself in their work; (b) I have a deep hatred for the person in question; (c) I feel extra lazy; or (d) I've no mood to do it.

It's not that I'm being used by people. In fact, I'm allowing myself to intervene in their work simply because of a few reasons, among them being:

(a) what they're doing is a total piece of crap which, IMHO, I feel can be done much better if they put in the extra effort;
(b) they need "guidance", or so my head says;
(c) I feel somewhat sympathetic that they're close to a crazy predicament if they don't get it done;
etcetera etcetera, yadda yadda, gab gab.

So phooey. I've made myself do something that's not benefiting myself or the other party. (Benefiting them in terms of allowing them to do a good job)

So it's high time I made a clean fix about this problem. This day forth, the help you want from me is a selective process. If I can see that it will benefit both parties in some ways or another, then yes I will gladly help you. But you need to pull your own weight as well. Or else, what's the point of me helping you doing it?

There are only a few rare exceptions in this rule, i.e. preparing Tihn Chern's speech for Teacher's Day. Yes, don't give me that awkward look of surprise. He didn't know what to talk about, so I offered to write him a simple speech. Which I did, and from there made a few changes of his own. In the end, all I did was provide him an avenue to deliver an inspiring speech (well, I felt it was) - he filled in the rest of the blanks.

That's how cooperation should be.

So you can stop hoping I'll be kind enough to give you clues. I've given far too many, and from what I've seen, they haven't helped you at all. Not a bit. Sure, you'll say it helped them answer the questions. But that's just a temporary solution. The permanent one is yours in the end.

Updates

I suppose some of you may have noticed the new animal additions from ABowman. Yeah, it's just for kicks. Heh.

FT Weekend is only three days away now. It'd be good to just unwind with the fellow FT people from all over the country, and perhaps learn more of the La Sallian virtues in the process.

That would be nice, won't it?

To those who are coming too, then I'll see you there!

Updates

Brother's back till today, but it's good that he's home. Being far from Ipoh for the past few weeks seriously made me and mum miss him loads.

Ah, family love! It's so refreshing.

On the other hand, the second FT weekend of the year is coming, and I am definitely not missing out on it. Even with the trials looming on the horizon, I wouldn't want to miss the chance of going there.

Sigh. Trials.

That's all for now.

John Mayer's In Repair

Too many shadows in my room 

Too many hours in this midnight 

Too many corners in my mind 

So much to do to set my heart right 

Oh it's taking so long

I could be wrong, I could be ready 

Oh but if I take my heart's advice 

I should assume it's still unsteady 

I am in repair, I am in repair 

Stood on the corner for a while 

To wait for the wind to blow down on me 

Hoping it takes with it my old ways 

And brings some brand new luck upon me 

Oh it's taking so long

I could be wrong, I could be ready 

Oh but if I take my heart's advice 

I should assume it's still unsteady 

I am in repair, I am in repair 

And now I'm walking in a park 

All of the birds they dance below me 

Maybe when things turn green again 

It will be good to say you know me 

Oh it's taking so long

I could be wrong, I could be ready 

Oh but if I take my heart's advice 

I should assume it's still unsteady 

Oh, yeah, I'm never really ready

Oh, yeah, I'm never really ready 

I'm in repair, I'm not together but i'm getting there 

I'm in repair, I'm not together but i'm getting there

(Repeat to fade)

Rudyard Kipling's If

IF you can keep your head when all about you 

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!