Am I True To Myself?

Something came to mind when I saw two friends of mine the other day:


Am I expecting more from my friends than I should?

I would think so.

But no one can look after each of his friends all the time, no?

Maybe it's still that I need to find a way to get over my low self-esteem.


And a battle inside me to win too.

It's a long climb. But hell, if I don't do it now, I'll never get over it.

Small steps.

Cheers.

Words

Everything I know is wrong

Everything I do it just comes undone

And everything is torn apart

Oh and that's the hardest part

But it's all part of the learning process, isn't it?

All these years there has been a lingering sense of failure in me whenever I did something wrong. Some days I still feel that.

But like I said, we live and we learn. That includes me, too, despite what I tell myself.

I could feel it go down

Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth

Silver lining in the clouds

Oh and I

I wish that I could work it out

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to escape this mad cycle. It's not impossible. Time and time again, I've come close to breaking out,  but circumstances push me back close to where I first started.

It's a rough and tumble journey, and I can't say that I'm not any wiser than before. Experience has made me a better man, but still there's a  long way to go.

I know something is broken

And I'm trying to fix it

Trying to repair it

Any way I can

If I had not opened myself to change, would I have reached this stage? I highly doubt it. I was nothing but trouble. I still am, but at least not to  such an extent that I'd be dire situations all the time.

Much of what is broken is now repaired. I just hope those that seem permanently irreparable are still able to be fixed.

Maybe the answers still elude me?

Or maybe the answers are right there in front of me, yet I am blind to them?

For all I know, that could be it. It means I need to get my eyesight corrected.

Lord I don't know which way I am going

Which way the river's going to flow

It just seems that upstream I keep rowing

Still got such a long way to go

The world can rob us of every single inch - except one. One tiny, fragile inch that they can never take away from us, no matter how they try. It  cannot be bought, nor sold, nor given away. We must never lose it at all.

There is no price for the freedom of the self.

But am I truly free?

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

There are still shackles holding me down. Guilt, burdens, fears - human emotion itself seems to have turned against me. The mind is raging against the soul.

There is no equilibrium. Balance needs to be restored.

Freedom has yet to be found. Four solid walls prevent me from leaving my cell.

My song is love

Is love unknown?

And I've got to get that message home

But freedom seems so close. I can taste it in the air. And oh, how sweet it is.

How much do I have to risk to find freedom?

Maybe you'll get what you wanted

Maybe you'll stumble upon it

Everything you ever wanted

In a permanent state

In time. I believe that my time is soon.

The journey isn't over, after all. Whoever said it was? Only a fool would think he has had it made.

Not just yet, friends. It's always, always the beginning.

And who can say what the risks are? I say, 'bring them on!'

Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost

Doesn't mean I'll stop

Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Perhaps the enlightenment I seek will be gained tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe in the next decade, or the next half a  century. I don't know.

But I'll still wait for that message.

It will come.

I just got lost

Every river that I've tried to cross

And every door I ever tried was locked

Ooh-oh

And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

Freedom, come embrace me in thine arms, and take me to the paradise I long for.

"Oh, beauty, 'til now I never knew thee."

Gravity release me

And dont ever hold me down

Now my feet won't touch the ground

Thoughts

Just this morning, Mr K dropped the nukes on our class. Yes, again. Not that I care, mind you. He just has his bad days.

But something he said got me thinking as he lectured everyone about faking work.

Something along the lines of:

You are only cheating yourself, your family and your God.

How sad that we're always lying to everyone we know, whether we like it or not. It almost seems as if the entire world is built from lying.

But then again...

Anyway, on another note, I've a little meme pic I did on the weekend (out of boredom...) about my preps for the STPM. It's not really supposed to be funny, but it kinda serves as a reminder to me that I CAN make it.

Gotta get busy...

Cheers for now. 

Sigh

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

All my heart yearns for is to be heard. Is that too much to ask?

But is it my fault for not immersing myself into society? My fault that I'm not letting myself join their conversations? My fault for feeling lost in their chatter? My fault for becoming invisible to every person I know, even when I'm standing right there?

You've answered many of my questions. You've filled in the blanks that I could not fill all this while. But even then, why do I still feel empty inside? What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard to fit in? When I try to be myself, somehow I just blend right into the scenery. (Quite an irony, being the tallest person around here) Am I the only one who's noticed? Or is it because I keep telling myself I don't belong?

I always feel out of place - not just in school, but everywhere else with anyone I know, even my own mother. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if anyone's really listening to me; or if anyone's paying attention to my existence. Hello, I'm right here! Why do you not seem to notice me?

I envy everyone else. They always have a little group of friends with whom they can talk with about anything. Sure, they've built strong bonds of friendship with the rest. I've done that, so why am I not in a clique of my own? Does it mean such bonds are not a paramount requirement to start a group? Or am I not reading between the lines?

I can only have a short conversation span with anyone, unless by chance we're talking about something both parties know of. Once that's done, that's it. It ends there. Again, am I doing it the wrong way?

So is it just me?

It gets to me, all the loneliness. It's not just exam/study stress that's getting me down. Life itself seems to become a challenge. And now that I look, I realized that I've become more reclusive than I used to be in the past. What went wrong? What did I miss?

I know that I have it hard taking advice. How much more counsel are you going to offer me? I'm trying hard to learn from your guidance. And it's very obvious change doesn't happen in an instant. But when you've been a pig-headed jerk all your life, the effort needed to change is greater. I want to change. But I keep disagreeing with myself. I'm caught in a cycle of hatred that has no end.

The war in my mind and my soul still rages on, as fiercely as it always has been. The peace treaty's gone to hell, and I doubt that I'll find peace anytime soon.

I'm in the war of my life

I'm at the core of my life

I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

And fight I will. If I give up now, all the ground I had fought for, every single inch of it, would go to waste. Should I allow myself to waste away?

I'll continually update my status whenever I can. At least I'm being honest with you people. Cheers.

New Thoughts

Jerk, noun: [Slang] a person regarded as disagreeable, despicable, etc.
(Sourced from Webster's New World Dictionary, published 1995)

This is going to be quite a tell-all.

Have you ever had a day when your good intentions are suddenly warped and twisted just because of a few words or because of one action? I'm sure we've all had our days. Come to think of it, I've had a huge share of those problems.

Frank Sinatra sang: "Regrets, I've had a few./But then again, too few to mention." If I said I had no regrets at all - not a single one ever - then I'd be lying. In fact, I've piled them up in one corner for myself to see. The details are fuzzy, but they're there in my head. What a way to remind myself of all my faults.

Even after a massive fallout, I'd always be the first to simmer down and realize how foolish I was. But of course, at that time, the damage is already done. Can I still mend the wounds? I can only hope so.

If you saw the definition of "jerk" at the start of the post, you'd probably wonder if the term has any connection to me. I've been branded a jerk before, and yes, initially I didn't like it. But in time I decided I shouldn't allow myself to be adversely affected by one word. If people were to consider me to be a jerk, I won't say they're right nor wrong. Nobody is really in the right, let alone the wrong. For all I know, they might be considered a jerk to another person.

So who wants to start pointing fingers? Forget it, you're not going anywhere if you did.

From what I have learned from the tell-all weeks ago, instead of letting myself drown under the weight of the grief and misery generated by my mind - and including the negative feedback from the detractors - I'm gonna have to live with the consequences. It's a fact. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that's what they say.

If I have to live with them, then it's a challenge I should accept. And while they may continue to trouble me for many more weeks, perhaps even months, no matter how much they tug at my mind, I'll have to ignore them if I don't want history to repeat itself.

As Publilius Syrus said: "How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself." I will have to forgive myself for the things I shouldn't have done. All that's left is for them to choose to forgive me.

I can tell you right now, if I could turn back time, there would be so many wrongs that I could right. So many chances I missed that I could take up. So much could be changed for the better! And, in fact, I may even find myself where I belong.

If I could turn back time, so much could have been changed:
I'd never have angered my friends while in Primary and even in Lower Secondary;
I'd never have acted so stupidly back in Form Four;
(All because of muddled emotions; one of the worst mistakes I'd ever done. If ever I could meet her again, I wouldn't hesitate to say sorry for it)
I'd never have let history repeat itself the following year;
I'd probably have avoided a verbal fight with my classmate;
(Thankfully we've mended bridges)
I'd never lost another friend because of my forgetfulness;
(Jean, if you're reading this, I'm terribly sorry. I truly am. A year on and I have never gotten over it. I never should have forgotten Leroy's card, and I wish you would forgive me for it)
I'd have stopped my friend from doing something stupid;
I'd have stopped myself for trusting my 'gut instincts';
I'd never have hurt her - and myself - because of my immaturity;
(You know I mean you; even when you forgave me for it, it will forever remain a black stain in the story of my life)
I'd never have fallen so deep into despair and self-loathing;
(One of the lowest points in my entire life; thank you to those who have helped me find new meaning in my life, and for adding value to it)
I'd never have acted like a jerk and said things I will continue to regret.

And that's just a tip of the iceberg.

Losing a friend is one of the most painful things that I've experienced - twice, maybe thrice considering what I said last Friday. It's like getting stabbed in the heart and adding lots of salt to the wound. And then letting it fester and become gangrenous. That's how much it stings. When am I ever going to permanently remind myself not to break more bonds of friendship?

But all that's in the past now. Best to move on and remember the lessons I've learned on the way.

At the same time, I thank Kuan Yin for being so gracious and caring even when I faced these arduous tests. My strong connection with my religion, though not as strong as it should be, has helped me see through these perilous times. And of course, there's the support from my extended family, who have shown me that it's not the end of the world.

And I pray I won't have to go through these tests anymore; for if I repeat them again then let it be known that my sins shall not be absolved until I find a way to right the wrongs, lest my soul be damned and taken to the bowels of Hell to suffer for all eternity. This I vow.

This I vow.

If you're reading this, I hope I've made certain things clear. I thank those who have shown me they still care, and I will do whatever I can to change for the better.

If you're one of the few people mentioned, whether directly or indirectly, I won't force you to make a decision in an instant. I can't promise that I won't make the same mistake again in future. (And, fingers crossed, it won't!) But if you allow me to find the time and effort to rebuild our broken trust, I will not let this chance slip from my hands anymore. As I have vowed above, if I lose that chance, then it would mean the end of me.

I'll be as open and transparent as I can. If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask. I'll answer the best as I can. And I promise you it'll be nothing but the truth.

And please do me the favor of sharing this. It's intended for all of you: even those who stand divided from me, and for those whom I've already lost. Thank you.

Time Flies

And yes, Time has flown by so quickly.

I've just managed to view Mabel's commemorative tribute to her three-year old blog. It only seemed like yesterday when we started our respective blogs, hasn't it?

To me, blogging still remains a new experience for me.

Well, unless you think my two years in blogging do not make me a relatively new blogger.

Truth be told, I've had an old blog before this, but that was when I was still a naive, young kid. It ended pretty quickly. But at least I picked up the pieces and moved on.

According to Blogger, I've been a part of them since February 2007. Wait, seriously?

Believe it!

Oh yes, that's... pretty surprising. Heck, I don't even remember being part of them since then!

Unless it also included me being part of the Gmail family. Who knows?

Unfortunately, I don't have the time to actually do a big commemorative piece for "I Am..." (formerly known as "Life Is...") but maybe I'll consider one next year, when I have all the time to do it.

In the meantime, cheers!

Thoughts

I read Deborah's recent blog post and I must say I was surprised by her revelation.

But it also reminds me of the sad truth we face: we live in loneliness.

We surround ourselves with friends and loved ones, but in the end if we still remain alone it kind of defeats the purpose. It's like an irony - you have so many friends but yet you remain in solitude. It contradicts your outward looks.

But hey, who really knows the real you?

Is there a cure to this?

Thoughts

Expressing oneself is difficult. While we wish to be heard in the midst of the crowd, not a lot of people actually appreciate it. Being self-centred, they tend to absorb themselves in the belief that no one but them is correct. And most times, not a lot of others actually pay attention. Both reasons are among others on why the world isn't what I hoped it would be.

I daresay that we actually pay heed to the matter, what with all the other stuff we need to focus on.

Me, I'd say communicating still does seem hard. It's not that I can't. It's more of a worry of "saying something at the wrong time in the wrong place". But that's not all. There are probably more reasons as to why I find it hard to communicate. Don't get me wrong, you guys are great people. But, I have to admit there are times when I wonder if we're ever actually REALLY listening to each other. Myself included.

And communicating about ourselves - that's another story. I can tell you I always approach my friends when I'm in doubt or troubled. The advice I get is sound, but most times I always wonder if there could be a better answer waiting out there. But one has to keep looking, or else he may not find it.

And it's not surprising if people misunderstand me. It's normal to, just like how I misunderstand others-  whether by accident or otherwise. I just have to go on and hope an action would make them change their minds.

Life goes on, though. We had best make use of the time we have left.

Cheers for now.

Stand Up And Fight!

Got problems? Everybody faces one or more every day.

But trying to share them to a friend or loved one? To us, that's a herculean task.

What really prevents us from sharing our deepest - and sometimes, darkest - secrets, mostly those involving ourselves? Is it our ego? Our selfishness? The very fact no one can be trusted? Is it really hard to be honest with another to find a solution to our problems?

The way I see it, having others come to terms with our problems might not seem a plausible choice. Like I said, everyone has problems. Even if we wanted to shed light on our internal crises, could they be of help? As There is a quote: "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle." There are some times when reinforcements may not be the sole reason a battle is won. In the end, the good fight has to come from within.

I admit that I can't help approaching my friends for answers to my questions. I do it often, because the answers I provide are inconclusive. My peers may just provide me with the details I need to get on the right track. And I can tell you now that I don't always come clean with my own family. They are already burdened with other matters revolving around the family.

Up to one point in my life, I've been doing a heck load of griping and complaining. I was a pessimist those days. (And I still think I haven't resolved this fully) But it dawned on me that everyone is fighting a battle. It's not always about myself. (Though I can tell you I still have difficulty in trying to turn old habits around. Kinda like teaching an old dog new tricks) If I had kept myself from expanding my horizons, I may have become an introvert.

So I try to change. It's no easy task, but one needs to try.

But problems are a part of life. As much as I hate to sound like a hypocrite (or something else), it's inescapable. And not to mention a crucial piece in our self-development. Don't laugh at that. It's true. Ask any successful person and he/she will tell you they had to go through numerous learning experiences or opportunities of growth to reach where they are now. What they don't mention is that they never use the term "failure" to describe their experience.

Shouldn't we change our attitudes to problems?

While I don't deny some problems may be too much to handle, or may be too sensitive to be shared, at least have the perseverance and the willpower to stand up to them. If you really can't make it on your own, then by all means hesitate not to ask a friend to help you.

Shouldn't we be standing side by side through hardship?

I leave that final thought to you. Cheers all.

Insights

People tend to contradict the words of others and turn them into a whole new meaning. Whether by accident or otherwise, this occurence may lead to disastrous results if left alone. We can easily see it happening all around us, be it here in the country or somewhere abroad.

Because of these ignorant parties, words or phrases that mean no harm at all can suddenly become insulting, defamatory or slanderous to others that lead to unwanted consequences. Haven't we learned from our mistakes? And if that's not enough, when asked to apologize, these people defiantly justify their actions or words that it only enrages the opposing side even further. Nobody ever considers a more peaceable approach to solving the matter immediately. The long tirades of insults will continue for centuries to come.

And let's not forget the bigger problems that stem from their need of justification; war, riots, political turmoil - the list goes on.

In fact, in the Exodus, it is mentioned how, after Moses and Aaron bade to Pharaoh to let the people of God go, Pharaoh told all his taskmasters and officers:

"Ye shall no more give the people straw to make brick, as heretofore: let them go and gather  straw for themselves. And the tale of the bricks, which they did make heretofore, you shall lay upon them; you shall not diminish ought thereof: for they be idle; therefore they cry, saying, 'Let us go and sacrifice to our God.' Let there more work be laid upon the men, that they may labour therein; and let them not regard vain words." (Exodus 5:7-9)

And from there, the Israelites continued to suffer.

While Moses brought God's word to Pharaoh, that Pharaoh should let the Israelites go in peace, Pharaoh may have thought Moses was planning to lead a revolution against the Egyptians. Because he did not see how he had brought misery to the Israelites by enslaving them, Pharaoh believed that he had to control them further by tightening his grip over the Israelites. The same picture might just happen in the near future.

But we're not here to discuss of the bigger picture. Instead, we should look at it from the personal point-of-view. Everything starts here: from ourselves. So if we want to really change the world, we need to change ourselves.

To see how we inevitably lead ourselves to self-destruction is a saddening sight indeed. How we tend to believe in only ourselves. How we choose to alter the words of others, or in our beliefs and principles. How we do not want to tolerate others. Or not to live a compassionate life. Or to ignore the cries of anguish from the lost, the least and the lonely. Don't we get it? And when will we get it?

Nobody can truly justify what is true and what is false. Everyone holds a certain stand to a certain topic, and it may not be so easy to change their mindset. Like how a victim of rape may see all men as lustful monsters, or an ex-convict seeking to atone his sins may not be welcomed back into society. Hardline stances are hard to change when they do not have a valid reason into actions or events that will change them. We are a difficult bunch to please.

And let's not forget there will be detractors. They will always find some way to stand for the things they believe is 'right'. But again, what is right and what is wrong to Man? Does it satisfy the requisites as mentioned in your beliefs or religion? Does it seem logically sound? How we accept the information is up to what influences us. It is just like when St. John Baptist De La Salle faced the 'Writing Masters', those who preached the old ways of education, in court numerous times. The Writing Masters saw La Salle as a threat to their sovereignty as the only ones who were fit to educate the young. And because they did not want to change, to conform to something that was truly righteous, they went against La Salle many times.

The question that remains is whether we truly sate everyone's wants and needs. There is, without a doubt, no real way to substantiate this claim. We all have our own wishes and desires. But if we can open our hearts to the reality that no one is wrong in what they believe in, mayhaps the world would be so much more peaceful. The longer our misunderstandings remain, the deeper our enmity with one another.

I do not think our respective God wanted us to live this way.

Entries

"So

Have you figured it out?"

A sudden question

From the stranger

On a beautiful afternoon

As the train passes

Wonderful sights

Of the prairies

"What are we talking about?"

I ask him

Too many things on my mind

"What it was

I asked you to ponder

In my absence"

He replied

Matter-of-factly

Sitting down

Next to Harley

Eager to play with the stranger

"Ah, I remember that

All too well

I have given much thought

But up until now

I don't know

What would give me an answer

That would satisfy me"

The stranger nodded

Dangling a string

In front of Harley

Who is always so keen

In playing cute games

Like this

"I don't have an answer either

It's something

You have to find out

Yourself

I don't have to repeat myself, don't I?

Offering you advice

Does not mean

You should follow it

You are not bound to my words

Or that of others

Merely choose what you feel

Is the right advice

And use it well"

"But I don't know

If my choice is right"

I voice my concerns

The stranger continues

To play with Harley

"Nobody ever made

The right choice

So easily

Unless it's their luck

Have you?

Look back on your life

All it means

Is that you are still learning"

Truth

While it pains me

To remember how awful

Those times were

They serve as reminders

Not to return to such a state

Ever

"So what about now?"

He asked

His eyes gazing into mine

Almost as if

He could see my future

"What does your heart say?"

I shrug

"I don't really know"

I admit

"Part of me

Refuses to believe

While the remainder

Has faith

That it will be alright

That it would work out

The way I hope it would"

"Cling onto that hope,"

Says he

"But not too tightly

It may not go as planned

But at least

You can proudly tell yourself

You conquered your fears

And nothing changed

For the worse

Tread lightly

For you tread on thin ice"

"You are likened

To be on a ship

On perilous

And fickle

Waters

You are its captain

Much like how you conduct this train

And your every choice

Decides

Your survival

Or your demise

On the high seas"

"Would you finally

Complete this puzzle?

Would you continue

To find the missing pieces?

Would you surrender

And never attempt this again?

Would it be too late

To regret the choices made?

I do not know

Either one of these

May happen

And that

Will ultimately

Decide the next chapter of your life."

"Plan accordingly,"

He adds

Stroking Harley on his head

"Because tomorrow carries forward

What today went through

Do not blind yourself

To the larger truth

Do not feel ashamed

By the mistakes you made

Simply

Be full of hope

For hope

Is all that Man has left"

The wind blows

From an open window

One I thought I had locked

But I look round again

And the stranger is gone

Gone

With the wind

Hence, the open window

I stand up

And shut it tight

Sighing

Harley looking up at me

With his cute looks

He must wonder

Where the stranger has gone

I pick up the kitten

Stroking his chin

"He will be back"

I whisper

Though I doubt he understands

I put him down on the seat

Just as my phone began to ring

The call

I had expected

(Had I?)

I smile

And remind myself

How Fate is so fickle

So I pen it all down

And keep his words at heart

Someday

I will be complete

Someday

Insights

Local actress Ida Nerina herself is going through a challenge of her own. I'd only recently found out she's now wheelchair bound after reading her inaugural fortnightly article in the Star some time ago. But despite that, she doesn't let it bother her at all. In fact, she describes her current situation as something as an eye-opener to many new truths.

From her two articles published, she has already highlighted about how common prejudice towards the handicapped is in Malaysia - a sad truth - and the importance of staying strong and living each day like it were your last. Reading those articles makes me wonder: "Why can't we all see the light of our errors?"

We've been caught up with our so-called lives at such a hectic and rushed pace till we don't realize how important it is for us to slow down and relax. Only until we encounter a serious or life-changing problem do we actually see how much time we've actually wasted in the process of wasting our years. For those who still have years left in them, there is still time to make the U-turn. Else, do what you can to turn things around for the better before it's too late.

We're all only human. If we really could do so much in so little time, we would be more than mere mortals. In fact, the world wouldn't be where it is now. But I guess we're on our own. The future is still salvageable, as long as we can see there is still hope. And do something about it as well.

Cheers everyone.

Entries

Change

Change is a constant

Change is unpredictable

Change is crucial

How many of us

How many deny its worth

In this growing world?

Is not change

The very tool that brought us

To where we are now?

Change is good

Change is bad

Change comes

But how you change

Is your choice alone

We embrace change

But

Only in the most dire of situations

When hope seems lost

But can we encourage change

By other means?

Through our own belief

That change is good?

How much do we change?

Do we go for

A major reshuffle

Or go with

Removing just the bad eggs?

What needs short-term change?

What needs long-term change?

What needs repair?

What needs continuity?

There are many advocates

Who call for change

They come in numbers

As they cry out for

A change in the government

To a change in lifestyle

For the environment's sake

Oh, everyone believes

Change will make things better

Is not change important?

Certainly so

But are we willing to?

I believe

Change is a must

To adapt

In a cruel world

That teeters on the edge

Of self-destruction

But to change completely

One must have faith

And perseverance

To go on this long road

Change is never easy

But successful change

Pays in dividends

A worthwhile investment

In the long run

I am an example of change

I have seen my life

Turn around

For the better

Although

There are yet still hurdles

To be overcome

And inner demons

To battle with

But I cannot give in

Never can I admit defeat

For if I do

It will be my undoing

The chance the Devil needs

To damn my soul for eternity

In the bowels of Hell

Can I give him that chance?

NEVER

So I pen it all down

Steeling my resolve

Strengthen my faith

Strengthen my beliefs

Hold fast to my principles

Become who I want to be

Become a successful changed man

Become

Who I truly am

Entries

Yes? No? What then?

Answers!

I need answers

Not more questions

And who said anything

About questions being the answers?

That's not the case

Not in this context

'tis a rainy day

Raindrops pattering

On the window

Visibility is poor

I cannot even see

The view of the countryside

That the train passes by

Where did this rain cloud come from?

No matter

I need a solution

Now, if possible

The stranger's cryptic remarks

Always leave me dangling

Wanting more

But none I receive

Such an illusive man

I had hoped

He would be here

To tell me what I missed

To guide me the right way

But he does not show

And thankfully

Nor the Devil

In our previous conversation

He had mentioned

I lacked something

And if I found it

It may mean

My life would be complete

I knew what he had hinted at

But I told myself

"No more!

'tis not for one such as I

I am unfeeling no more

All I am

Is but a shadow of my former self

And so I shall remain

Forever"

The stranger would not agree

With my statement

IF he were here

He always believes

In second chances

But I?

I do not take chances so easily

Unless I believe in the outcome

Which in this case

I don't

I drum my fingers on the sill

Gazing out

At the rain

Harley on the seat opposite me

Watching me

With his cute blue eyes

Perhaps wondering

If I am alright

But he does not comprehend

How complicated we humans are

Complicated?

Or making things complicated?

Both, I suppose

Long ago

I was like the others

Just like my friends

Those I believe are the lucky few

I thought I was complete

I thought, finally

I had something I only dreamed of having

A treasure

Though incomparable to family

But nevertheless

A treasure

But in the end

I lost it

I died

So to speak

I failed

I fell from grace

(So to speak)

And now

Here I stand

Unwilling to return to such days

The past shall remain so

And I shall see to it

Aye, they were good times

But that was then

This is now

I cannot return to those days

For returning

Will only cause me

More anguish

More trouble

And trouble was never my friend

But day in, day out

The question bugs me

The stranger's comments bug me

How he continues to remind me

By accident

That the road is far from over

"You may have been hurt,"

He had said

"But that does not mean

It will define you in future

We cannot control fate

But we should not let fate

Master our very lives

Ere you condemn yourself

To a life of suffering

For eternity"

So yes? No? What then?

I pen it all down

Skeptical about the matter

Skeptical about the truth

If it is the truth

If it is what I lack

If it is possible

To return to those days

If

Insights: Strength Within

Do you read the papers regularly? Honestly, I'll admit that I don't take the trouble to do so, but once in a while I do pick it up to see what interesting or inspiring articles the daily would offer. And what I find always does give me inspiration.

Take the recent Star2 article (Sunday, June 12th) about a boy named Grayson Gilbert. If you don't read the Star, I'll print a few lines of the article here:

'The boy approached the marble statue, gazing up - miles up, as he remembers it now - into the face of the benevolent figure it depicted. 

It was May 8, 1996, and Grayson Gilbert, six, had a lot on his mind. 

A few months earlier, surgeons had found a tumour woven through his abdominal cavity... They'd removed his gall bladder, half his stomach and 80 percent of his pancreas. Chemotherapy had taken his hair.

And as he waited to see his doctors again, the boy was leaving a personal note at the feet of the sculpture of Jesus that has graced the foyer below the dome at John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore since 1896. 

"Dear Jesus," it read in his wobbly hand. "This is Grayson. If you could, just heal the other kids please. Thank you very much." 

Jed Kirschbaum, a photographer for the Sun newspaper, happened to be in the room seeking an image to accompany an article the paper was running about the 100th anniversary of the statue. The photo he got off - of the frail boy in his orange baseball shirt, his hairless head illuminated by a shaft of light - hit the front page on Mother's Day and moved readers in a way few ever do. 

...There's no reason Grayson has emerged as a medical anomaly. But as he sits on the couch in his family home... one factor is impossible to miss. "I've always had this faith," he says, "that things are going to work out."'

Doctors only gave him a year to live - if he was lucky. At best, five years if he was one of a rare few. But now he's a communications major at Towson University after going through numerous life-threatening ordeals. What he suffered from was a rare medical condition, and even after recovering from that he went through many other complications that almost killed him. In fact, 'Grayson Gilbert still faces an uncertain future. The varices could flare up, as could many of his prior conditions if he doesn't stay on top of them.'

But his doctor says 'his condition is stable, that no road map exists but that Grayson should live a long life.'

Now, 21-year old Grayson has become somewhat of a symbol of hope to what I would say the lost, least and lonely - specifically those who suffer from terminal diseases like cancer. After the photo ran in the Sun, 'representatives of the Children's Miracle Network - childrensmiraclenetworkhospitals.org, the international organisation that raises funds for sick children - contacted Grayson. Before that year was up, the nonprofit [group] named him its ambassador for the state of Maryland. They flew the Gilberts to Florida, where they stayed at Disney World, met celebrities and spoke with others in their situation. The kid with cancer had another lease in life.'

Not only that, 'Grayson got it into his head to raise money for cancer research to "help the other kids."' With the help of officials from the Jos. A. Bank Clothiers, the company put his drawings onto neckties and over the last decade, 'Grayson and other patients from the John Hopkins Children's Center have designed "Miracle Ties" that have raised tens of thousands of dollars for the Children's Miracle Network.'

Shouldn't we see his strength as something we should learn? While we continue to grumble about how stupid this fellow is, or how dumb that subject is and so on, shouldn't we realize that all that continual complaining is only a waste of our time? Our time here on this Earth is just like Shakespeare's "brief candle." One day we will fade away from this mortal world. Shouldn't we be playing our part?

Stop and smell the flowers. Buy a child ice cream. Play with Down's Syndrome kids. Do something. We only have one life to give. Shouldn't we give for the sake of a greater good? What would you do if you were in Grayson's shoes?

If all you've ever done is gripe throughout your entire lifespan, then it's too late to regret.

Cheers, everyone.

More links:
http://www.reporterherald.com/print.asp?ID=32972
http://www.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/sun-magazine/bs-sm-statue-grayson-gilbert-archives,0,1950296.story
http://www.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/sun-magazine/bs-sm-cancer-survivor-20110522,0,465722.story

Entries

I cradle my head in my hands

There is pain

Hurt

Resentment

So much mental torture

It's agonizing

It's too much to handle

Silently I weep

Why?

Why does this happen?

No matter what I do

No matter how hard I try

Inevitably

It only leads me back to sorrow's arms

Defeated is the purpose

Of embracing change

For it all becomes naught

In the end

"Wipe away those tears, young one

It isn't the end yet

If it were the end

Then there would be more for you

To cry about

When there is no more time

To do what is needed"

The stranger patted my back

As he sighs

At the sight of miserable me

"I can't understand,"

I tell him

"I tried so hard

I tried so many times

I tried everything

But it all goes to waste

It's as though

My fate has been sealed"

He smiled sadly

"Listen carefully

When the road gets harder to climb

It's no surprise we fall down

It will happen eventually

Maybe you weren't watching your footing

Maybe a rock got in the way

There are other possibilities anyway"

"But of course

When you feel like

The road has reached its end

The journey draws to a close

When, in reality, it hasn't

And you just want to stop

Make wherever you are

Your final stop

It's hard to resist the call"

He placed his hand

Firmly

On my shoulder

I turn to face him

"Are not your friends around

To help you up again?

Remember

Your journey must not necessarily

Be a lonely one

You need a few comrades

Who you can turn to

Lean on them

When you're not strong

They are your friends, aren't they?

They will see to it

That you carry on eventually"

"Look on the bright side!"

He exclaimed with joy

"It won't be long

Before you finally realize

All that worry

All that pain

All that so-called suffering

Are only illusions

Of course

You will definitely need

Somebody

Or some people

To lean on

Trust me"

He had a point

He always had a point

I nod

A little uneasy

But I will trust him

His wisdom is truly a gift

That I should treasure

"Besides,"

He added

With a smirk

"You could use

More than just a friend

To keep you going"

I blinked

Somewhat confused

But he sat there no longer

As he is known to do

He hinted at it

Didn't he?

Maybe he has an explanation

Until then

I don't think I need it

So I pen it all down

As I recall the stranger's advice

Wondering if he's right

Wondering if I really am

Missing out something

Missing out that feeling

Missing