Words

Everything I know is wrong

Everything I do it just comes undone

And everything is torn apart

Oh and that's the hardest part

But it's all part of the learning process, isn't it?

All these years there has been a lingering sense of failure in me whenever I did something wrong. Some days I still feel that.

But like I said, we live and we learn. That includes me, too, despite what I tell myself.

I could feel it go down

Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth

Silver lining in the clouds

Oh and I

I wish that I could work it out

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to escape this mad cycle. It's not impossible. Time and time again, I've come close to breaking out,  but circumstances push me back close to where I first started.

It's a rough and tumble journey, and I can't say that I'm not any wiser than before. Experience has made me a better man, but still there's a  long way to go.

I know something is broken

And I'm trying to fix it

Trying to repair it

Any way I can

If I had not opened myself to change, would I have reached this stage? I highly doubt it. I was nothing but trouble. I still am, but at least not to  such an extent that I'd be dire situations all the time.

Much of what is broken is now repaired. I just hope those that seem permanently irreparable are still able to be fixed.

Maybe the answers still elude me?

Or maybe the answers are right there in front of me, yet I am blind to them?

For all I know, that could be it. It means I need to get my eyesight corrected.

Lord I don't know which way I am going

Which way the river's going to flow

It just seems that upstream I keep rowing

Still got such a long way to go

The world can rob us of every single inch - except one. One tiny, fragile inch that they can never take away from us, no matter how they try. It  cannot be bought, nor sold, nor given away. We must never lose it at all.

There is no price for the freedom of the self.

But am I truly free?

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

There are still shackles holding me down. Guilt, burdens, fears - human emotion itself seems to have turned against me. The mind is raging against the soul.

There is no equilibrium. Balance needs to be restored.

Freedom has yet to be found. Four solid walls prevent me from leaving my cell.

My song is love

Is love unknown?

And I've got to get that message home

But freedom seems so close. I can taste it in the air. And oh, how sweet it is.

How much do I have to risk to find freedom?

Maybe you'll get what you wanted

Maybe you'll stumble upon it

Everything you ever wanted

In a permanent state

In time. I believe that my time is soon.

The journey isn't over, after all. Whoever said it was? Only a fool would think he has had it made.

Not just yet, friends. It's always, always the beginning.

And who can say what the risks are? I say, 'bring them on!'

Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost

Doesn't mean I'll stop

Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Perhaps the enlightenment I seek will be gained tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe in the next decade, or the next half a  century. I don't know.

But I'll still wait for that message.

It will come.

I just got lost

Every river that I've tried to cross

And every door I ever tried was locked

Ooh-oh

And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

Freedom, come embrace me in thine arms, and take me to the paradise I long for.

"Oh, beauty, 'til now I never knew thee."

Gravity release me

And dont ever hold me down

Now my feet won't touch the ground

NO?

Is it really that difficult to say NO to something?

I've heard of people who can never say it to a friend when the friend is a-calling. They just drop whatever it is they're doing at the moment and  dash off to wherever their friend is. But that's not all: asking for favors, lending money and God knows what else. They just go with it, even if it  means inconveniencing yourself or others.

Is it that hard to draw the line when it comes to saying NO?

Even I know when to say YES or NO. If it's in my means, I'll say YES. If not, the opposite applies. If I'm uncertain, I always say I cannot  promise anything. And yes, I always say that. I make it a point never to make promises unless I know I can keep them. I've broken a few  before, and I don't want history to repeat itself.

So c'mon, if they're asking you to join them for a boys' night out for the umpteenth time, just say 'No thanks' - especially if there's something  that needs to be done at home, or if you've already promised your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/family that you'd take them out. Imagine how  frustrated they'd be if you just ditched them at the last moment. How'd you feel if that happened to you?

NO. It's just one word. Shouldn't people be exercising their use of the word when it needs to be said?

How many of us do?

Cheers all.

Post-Convention Thoughts

Change brings opportunity. ~ Nido Qubein

The 21st National La Sallian Leaders' Convention came and went just like that. Time really flies, doesn't it?

When we first came together on the 16th of December, none of us knew what was in store for us. Well, maybe except myself. Even though this would mark the first time I came for the Convention, I had quite a bit of knowledge on what to expect thanks to early exposure to the La Sallian spirit and values and through my time from organizing this year's Northern Regionals. Of course, the most important thing that would come to us would be change. But where are we to change? Which explains why I came for the Convention: how are we going to change and make a difference? I wanted to know. Hopefully, I would know just where to start.

The Heritage play struck me the most throughout the entire Convention. I'd seen one and helped direct another, but none could compare to how the performance stayed very faithfully to the real La Sallian story. It was from that onwards that I knew I was bound to be awakened to something new in the next few days, something that I never really noticed or learned up till now. That was an opportunity I knew I had to seize.

And I was right. All our sessions, games and reflections helped each and every one of us realize how our world is suffering at the hands of the ignorant, the sinful and such others. They challenged our thinking, our beliefs, our principles. They made us see how real these problems are. They made us realize that change is a must to make things better. They made us realize we are not alone in this noble mission.

Change means that what was before wasn't perfect. People want things to be better. ~ Esther Dyson

In between, there were definitely moments of fun and laughter. Lame jokes, IQ tests and sharing sessions allowed us to build new bonds of friendship between fellow La Sallians. And I must admit that the sessions I led after the end of the day were kinda spontaneous. I only believed that each and every one of us has something to share. So why not allow that voice to come out to the fore?

And as I have said many times, my enthusiasm was at its peak. Never have I actually unleashed so much energy in any other camp I've been to. What made me do it? I don't even know why. But I'm glad that I did it. I'm glad I got the ball rolling for everyone.

And as the days rolled by, I stopped once in a while to check my affirmation pouch. Honestly, you guys and girls honor me with your affirmations, and I was pleasantly surprised to see how many I have at the end of the day. I never intended to be affirmed for my deeds. I only wanted everybody to just feel proud of what they learned and to go out into the world with their eyes open.

And I never thought I'd say this: 'Open your eyes, ears, heart and mind, and you can make that change.' I told Wei Kit that, and in hindsight, I didn't really understand how I said that to him. But now that I look back, I must say it was my experiences that helped me form those words.

I guess change came in the most surprising of ways to me.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ~ Leo Tolstoy

Most of us really think we can one day change the world. I hope that Convention made you realize that only when you start from within can you really help the world.

My parents were instrumental in making sure me and my elder brother learned good moral values that have shaped the way we see the world. We used to live a comfortable life, and back then, I wasn't the person I am now. Time has its ways of changing a person. The events that I had to go through brought me new insights to what Life is really all about. And I'm thankful I had to go through all those to reach where I am now.

Now I live a simple life, and I do confess it's not as easy as it once was. But me and my family get by. Besides, I'm thankful I come from a caring family. Though things haven't really been looking up and may just become better than before.

Another thing I'll point out is that, honestly, I'm quite socially inept, especially with women. Ironic? There are just times when I say or do things that are (a) said at the wrong time; (b) lame; (c) misinterpreted; and a few other reasons. And I'm saying this based on personal experience. I've lost - and almost lost - friends because of that, and even now I regret my actions. So if I did say or do something without realizing its damaging effect, I offer my sincerest apologies. I'm pretty much at war with myself, but rest assured that I'm not intending on giving up.

It's all about accepting change. And I'm glad I accepted it.

Before we acquire great power we must acquire wisdom to use it well.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

When the last day came, it was indeed a very sad occasion. But despite that, I'm very happy. I'm overjoyed, really! Finally, we've come to our journey's end - but it's only the end of the Convention. Once you return home and return to school, then you're back to reality. That marks the beginning of a new journey: one that may lead us across numerous obstacles. But as long as we hold on to our beliefs and make that leap of faith, surely nothing, not even a force of nature, can stop us.

Of course, I cannot deny there will be times when all seems hopeless. I assure you, change is never easy. But if you are willing to make sacrifices, then by all means do it. If you have doubts, confide in your friends. We have the Facebook group not just to keep everyone connected. Use it to share your doubts, your sorrows, your victories, your lessons learned. It's a platform to remind us that what we do is for the greater good of all. Altruistic love is what we practise.

I have this quote I'd like to share, found on the tomb of an Anglican bishop of the 11th Century:

When I was young and free my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew in my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lay on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed my world.

Small steps. Small steps are capable of making that difference. Now that we know ourselves, it's high time we took all that we've learned to walk the talk and hopefully bring about the change we want to see. If we agree that another world is possible, then I can tell you that it starts from us. Don't think of today as another one in paradise. Paradise isn't here yet. We need to work for it.

Are you with me and the La Sallian dream? Then let's make that step forward together as a family. And let us not forget there are thousands of others out there who share in our dream. Let's unite them as well and make the difference.

Understanding someone properly involves learning from him, and learning from someone properly involves changing oneself.
~ Hans Kung

Before I end, I'd like to affirm each and every one of you who participated in the Convetion whether as a Delegate, an accompanying teacher, an OT or even as a facilitator. I may not have talked to you much, nor would I have been able to write to each of you, but let me make it clear that I acknowledge you for who you are. No matter what our background may be, we are all the same. I am, you are, we are La Sallians. Never forget that!

And lastly, I will set up a blog for ourselves to be used as a platform for sharing other insights, personal experiences, projects and such that we could not shared throughout the Convention. Your contributions to this new blog - which I will name Journeying With The Dream - will be very important to helping everybody remember our mission and our responsibilities, as well as learn new lessons that will be key in making their dreams come true. Please feel free to email me with your stories and I will do my very best to publish them on this blog. If you do not know my email, drop by the blog once its complete. You'll definitely find it listed there.

Also, for those who have regular Internet access (I don't have any at home) and are willing to lend a hand, please let me know first hand. I need other administrators who can receive and publish stories on the blog whenever I'm not online. This blog might just be that first step in starting a chain reaction for the better.

Signum Fidei, brothers and sisters! And until the next time we meet, good luck and God bless.

...do all the good you can
to all the people you can
in all the ways you can
as long as ever you can
~ D.L. Moody

Entries

Conversation

Over a cup of tea

Sitting with

The stranger

Smiling knowingly

I wish

I knew what he knew

"But can you handle

The secrets

That I hold?"

Such an enigma

But he knows

His purpose

I digress

"I feel

A creative edge

Coming to me

But yet

I do not know

How to hone it"

He looks at me

Eyes glinting

"It takes time

To train yourself

To do something new

I hear

Whispers

You wish to learn

How to play the chords

Of musical harmony?

And sing

To your heart's desire?"

I nod

He nods in return

"I see

Not easy

It is

To learn that

And more

In such a short span of time

Tread slowly

This is no race

Rushing yourself

Will not get you anywhere

But to frustration

And anger

And that edge you thought you had

Will be lost

Forever"

"Forever?"

I frown

Sipping on my tea

"I doubt it

I have to try

After all

The first step is key"

"Aye," he agrees

"But remember

It is not always

About willpower alone

It is belief

In yourself

Do you believe in yourself?"

I try to answer

But

"No

Not yet

Do not deny it"

He knows me

Too well

"Well, you can try"

He continues

"I did not say

You can't

But remember

You need to know

You can do it"

"A Spartan

Is born to fight

Such is his destiny

As a child

He is mastered

In the art

Of war

And bloodshed

It is akin

To sharpening a blade

It may be a good sword

Powerful

Dangerous

But it still needs to stay sharp

To stay lethal

What use is a sword

That cuts not

Even hay?"

He drinks his tea

Looking out the window

As we make our way

"Creativity

Is just the same

You need to build it up

And improve it

And maintain it

Like how one sharpens the sword"

"Start from scratch

Stay confident

Have faith

It's just like

Making this journey

If you lose your faith

And your vision

What worth are you

To anyone?

What good

Is the destination

When you've given up

On it?

And

If you lose your creativity

What good are you

If you cannot

Master the craft

You intend to master?"

"What do you fear?

Everyone fears

Failure?

It is normal

Accept failure

As a part

And parcel

Of your life

Let it slide

Work through

The humiliation

The embarrassment

The pain

The hurt

The fear

Work through

Your weakness

You'll find your way"

"Can I?"

I ask

Politely

He scoffs

A cold glare

"Already you doubt?"

And then

He laughs

Merrily

"Change your ways"

He adds

"Maybe

In time

You'll see for yourself"

And again

Gone

Without a word

So I pen it all down

As I am wont to do

Faith

Belief

Both

Are like a shield

From fear

From doubt

Keeping the mind

Clear

Focused

Empowered

But

Have I found it?

In time perhaps

In time

In time

Time

Thoughts: Anthropomorphism

I remember reading one of Ellen Whyte's recent stories on her weekly Katz Tales in the Star, where her resident cats each reacted differently to a new and temporary house guest, a tortoise. One couldn't be bothered, one made friends with the guest, while another was scared witless, even after the tortoise was released.

Below that column was a small piece about anthropomorphism - the attributing of human characteristics to animals and gods, among other things. So the question now begs: do animals have feelings just like us?

One part of society thinks so. If not, why do they go great lengths in providing the best for their pets? Why else would they shower their affection on their fuzzy (or furry, or scaly, etc) friends? It's pretty obvious both master and pet share a unique chemistry between one another. And we all know how it hurts when a family pet passes away after being with them for so long.

Then we have the few who treat them as they are. I'm sure we all loathe them for what they do to their pets just to make sure they behave.

And of course, let's not forget the scumbags who let their pets suffer and die in the most horrible ways possible. They deserve a place in hell.

But I digress: do they actually emote? Science argues that it's all instinctive behavior. I, like many others, think otherwise. But this debate has been going on for so long it's hard to actually side with one party when there's so much evidence being laid down by people all over the globe.

What do you think? Share your thoughts with me. (Though I'm positive everyone would agree animals do feel!) Maybe I might group everyone's say and send it over to Ellen Whyte to be published in the Star. Well, hopefully.

Thoughts: Discrimination Abound

The recent headlines have brought me back to face my computer screen and blog about one particular topic: prejudice.

In fact, it was thanks to Marina Mahathir's Musings that was printed in Wednesday's The Star that made me type this out. In her post, she writes of the discrimination, hate and inherent mistrust upon Muslims across the globe after the September 11th attacks, and how this can be changed with better knowledge of the Islamic world and its customs, traditions and so forth. Not only that, following the breakout of the Arab Spring that has affected the Middle East for months now, many people have changed their stance with Muslims and are beginning to see them in a different light.

I shall quote Marina Mahathir:

Ten years later, although it cannot be said that Islamophobia has disappeared, Western perspectives on Islam have become more measured and based on better knowledge. One of the biggest boosts... has been the Arab Spring. 

Suddenly the images of Muslims were young, modern and protesting not about the West, but about their own corrupt leaders... in 2011 the Middle East became associated with the yearning for freedom and democracy, one not too different from what developed countries enjoyed. 

Women were seen at the forefront of the revolution, both head-scarved and not, and changed the image of the oppressed Muslim woman. 

It just goes to show that prejudice and discrimination, both rooted in fear of the unknown, can always be dispelled with better knowledge, at least in those willing to learn...

I can honestly tell you that I have been oblivious to what has happened to the Middle East before the Arab Spring started. I had actually believed that even after 9/11 the Arab world was relatively peaceful, if not shaken to its core after the horrifying disaster. Yes, you could say I was ignorant to what was really happening. But when the Arab Spring broke out it made me see just how the Middle East had its own fair share of problems - and not just because of the militant movements that lurk in the shadows.

While it is good to see reconciliation between the Muslim world and the rest of the globe's population coming to terms with one another, it is important to note that all this fear, hate and discrimination is the fault of mass media.

What we've seen on TV are nothing but 'angry bearded men wielding weapons and shouting threats to the West.' The media somewhat branded the Islamic community as terrorists, undemocratic, violent, oppressors of women. The media brazenly trumpeted the so-called "dark side of Islam". All we've seen and heard on the news have been filled with stereotypes of Muslim people - of those who rashly reacted in anger over the West's actions - and from here fear - and prejudice - came and took everyone by the throat.

That's funny. I've always learned from the history books that Islam is no different from any other religion - always differing right from wrong; doing more good for the community; inculcating moral values within the family; and so on. And all it took were a few reports from the media to incite so much negativity.

Already others have been affected by this Islamophobia. A Sikh man killed because he was wearing a turban. Orthodox Jewish rabbis pulled off a plane for praying in a language other passengers didn't understand. Special inspections for people with even the slightest tinge of an Arabic name. Suddenly, no longer can anyone trust their Muslim friends for just about anything.

If it wasn't for the commitment of certain individuals who have defiantly stood up to educate the masses on Islam, be they Muslims or non-Muslims, surely Islamophobia would continue to thrive. And while it still does remain in the hearts of people who ignorantly refuse to accept the truth, it's great news to see this hysteria seems to have subsided to much lower levels. Either that, or the news continues to hide the facts from the public.

And while we're still on the subject of prejudice, what about closer to home? I can tell you now that when I first heard of the Seksualiti Merdeka Carnival and its ban by the police, I thought the police were doing the right thing. Don't ask me why; it just didn't seem right to me at that point in time.

Naturally, I changed my stance after reading some articles, and based on my own beliefs: just like what Marina Mahathir said of the Islamic world, shouldn't the LGBT community be given time to explain itself? Shouldn't we be open to what they have to say?

I believe that many people who read this would be angered by my stance - especially those who say it's not right to be that way. Well, what do you want to do about it? Start some kind of witch hunt and burn them all at the stake? Would that really work? Would you stop them?

You wouldn't. You can never be able to stop them. No matter how much you try, it's like trying to exterminate weeds.

I have heard of cases where parents disown their children because they're different. I have seen how these people are shunned from the community just because they are who they are. Can we blame them for being different? If my child came to me one day and admitted that he/she was one of them, should I disown him /her too?

As human beings, we should have the heart to look after one another despite our differences. So why are we resorting to all this unnecessary hate?

The Seksualiti Merdeka event isn't trying to convince people that promiscuity and such is the way to go. Rather, from my standpoint, it's a platform to allow the LGBT minority to have their say among the majority; it's to allow them to slowly assimilate themselves into the rakyat and be useful to the nation. Rather than let them rot working as sex workers in some dirty back alley, shouldn't we give them the right to work in offices as desk clerks, or even as engineers or lawyers?

So who's to blame? Not just the media. Oh, no. Even political parties  from both sides of the fence are to be blamed for using their power to leverage against the event - from religious hardliners and even to learned men. And why is Datuk Ambiga taking so much flak just because she was to launch the event? Is it because she was part of the controversial Bersih 2.0 campaign? Is it because of her so-called 'pact' with Pakatan? Is it more than those reasons? I leave the politicking to you folks.

She should be applauded for being brave enough to do such a thing. I mean, who would when they'd rather not use their reputation for something good like this. What's keeping us from supporting their cause? The fear and the resulting discrimination we've held against the LGBT community? It's because of those few bad eggs who tarnish the reputation of their fellows.

Even I am to be blamed for disrespecting their kind. But I've realized that it's wrong to do so. Besides, who am I to blame them? They're no different from you and I.

I just hope that the organizers would be able to meet with the IGP and discuss matters peacefully. If the green light is finally given, they definitely deserve a pat on the back.

It's high time we lifted the veil off the subject and bring light to an otherwise misunderstood topic.

Plans?

Not really sure yet.

First there's Convention coming up around the 16th or 17th. That's 5 days of fun and learning at the LSC that I can't wait to join up for.

Then there's free guitar lessons over at the FGA. So I'm thinking, 'Why not?' If, of course, I can get my own guitar or lend one from someone.

Then there's work. Planning to go Maxis, but... I need to call the person in charge soon, or maybe I won't have a place anymore.

Of course, there's more FT activities to be held next year, like the one I planned to do this year. Hopefully, if time permits then I will definitely go for them.

So that's it for now. If anything else... I might consider.

Cheers all.

More Thoughts

I confess: lately I've become ever more distant than my classmates than I should. I've noticed that ever since I've begun to see things from a new light, the more I know the further I get from USS3. It hasn't escaped my sight. I know this is happening. Am I powerless to stop it?

Not at all.

Yes, the distance between me and my class is probably as wide as... well, not the Grand Canyon, of course. But it's no surprise, really. Over the months, I've been doing and saying things I shouldn't have - and many that I regret - and in between I've also begun to adopt very radical changes in my life that, I dare say, I would never have thought to adopt. It's like they said: "When you change, you don't stick around with the old. You naturally move on."

Am I right to say that my change has only widened the rift between all my classmates?

It's both yes and no.

Why yes?
Like what I said above, change moves you onward. Whatever that you embraced may or may not remain in you when you make that transition. While I cannot deny many of the Science 3 people have been great friends (you know who you are) I'm afraid that there are some aspects which I cannot fit in well. Don't get me wrong, all of you are wonderful people - full of different personalities that have helped color the class. Unfortunately, that's the reason why I have started to float away. The color I possess will only darken things.

And who wants a whiner in their group anyway?

So if I've been quite the introvert with you guys, then my humblest apologies. But I can't promise I'll try to fit in. I might not. I might never.

And why no?
Only a small handful know that this change I'm going through is necessary. And I have Yoon to thank for his support, both explicit and implicit. If it wasn't for him, I may have dropped out. In fact, it's an irony that I had to force him not to!

Forgive me for the sins I've committed, dear God. And I pray that you, my friends, will know my errs and absolve them from me, for I have seen my faults and I wish to repent. And I do not intend to be like what my father is now, damn his soul. I never intended to walk in his shoes and leave a path of destruction like he has.

Cheers all.

To Give Is The Reason I Live

Brother Matt retired yesterday. It was a mellow occasion. Well, I thought it would feel mellow. But it did feel quite lively, with the few performances here and there. So, yeah, a fitting send-off.

When they were talking about Bro. Matt's life and times, the words that stuck with me would be "a life of service." It echoed through my mind, and it made me think very deep about what it meant to me.

I'm considering it. Living a life of service for the good of Mankind. Doesn't that sound good?

Well, it sure does to me.

Cheers!

Remembering 9/11

Ten years. Ten years have flown by so quickly.

I remember I was only nine when it happened. We had just come back from celebrating my mum's 42nd birthday with a nice dinner, all smiles and all feeling lively. We turned on to the news, wondering what may have happened in the world while we were away.

The first thing we saw was the smoke, rising into the air, as the fires raged where the first plane hit. As the reporters were talking to the news anchors about what happened, the next plane came out of nowhere and collided the second tower. We were, suffice to say, shocked to the core.

We were glued to the screen, wondering what was to transpire in the next few moments, as though we were watching an intense action movie. But we knew this was all real.

The fire department and the police rushed to the scene, the former deploying its force to douse fires and rescue those from the two buildings, the latter trying to maintain some semblance of order while helping the firemen however they could. We couldn't see much of their activity, but I could guess some New Yorkers willingly came to their aid if they could.

There must have been billions of people who saw the news. Everybody must have felt terrified to witness something so tragic unfold before their eyes. I was young then, but I knew how significant this event was to the world. But I didn't know it's impact would be far from that.

Then they began to collapse - the South Tower went first, and some time later its twin followed it into oblivion. The dust that billowed from their downfall swallowed up the streets of New York City, enveloping the surrounding areas with a thick fog that reduced visibility to near zero.

It was heart-wrenching, to say the least. We went to bed, thoughts racing through our minds. I wondered how the world would change after this shattering event.

The next day, we got the bigger picture: the crashes at the Pentagon and in Shanksville, Pennsylvania; al-Qaeda's brash admission to these heinous acts; Bush's address to the American people, promising retribution; and many other reports and articles. The world was obviously shaken. Many sent their condolences, while others condemned the attacks. There were mixed responses, I know, but many were unheard - unless you were on the Net at that time. I'm sure there are just as many who salute the suicide bombers as there are those branding them terrorists.

But that's the most I remember of 9/11 ten years ago. I was just nine, but I could tell the implications it brought were major. Now, as I follow current developments, I realize that 9/11 became more than just a terrorist attack: it marked the end of many things, like the West's victory over Communism and, before that, Hitler's fascist reign over Europe. And it also marked the beginning of more world-shaping events, from Operation: Iraqi Freedom and Operation: Enduring Freedom, to the United States' deteriorating image among other countries and the recent Arab Spring, among other things.

It's been said that Osama bin Laden had planned the attacks to achieve these very changes. He may have hoped the US' overrreaction to 9/11 would ultimately lead to their downfall. And it seemed to have worked.

It doesn't matter that they are the most powerful nation in the world; now they're waist deep in debt, and their standing with many of the world's nations has dropped significantly since the War on Terror. President Obama should realize he isn't just fighting for the confidence of his fellowmen in the next election: he also needs to regain the globe's confidence in this once-mighty superpower.

In fact it doesn't just end there: conspiracy theories, anti-Islam sentiments (especially the controversy over Cordoba House, to be built at the site of Ground Zero - which, thankfully, has been resolved peacefully), torture of prisoners, the East's steady economic rise, Osama's death in his Islamabad mansion - this and so many more came as a result of 9/11 - the anti-Islamic sentiments especially (and not forgetting the growing anti-American movement in most Islamic countries because of the US' invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan) being one of the bigger centrepieces.

Show Me The Meaning...

...of true suffering
...of being lonely
...of psychological torture
...of love
...of hate
...of willpower
...of true friendship
...of strength
...of spiritual rebirth
...of sweet success
...of pain
...of misery
...of poverty
...of dread
...of despair
...of being close to Death
...of great burdens
...of talent
...of perseverance
...of patience
...of determination
...of stamina
...of trust
...of the past, of the present, and of the future

If I knew what they really mean to a man, mayhaps I may understand what it means to suffer - and what it takes to break from the bonds of suffering.

Oh that my grief were thoroughly weighed, and my calamity laid in the balances together!For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea: therefore my words are swallowed up.For the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison whereof drinks up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me.~ Job 6:2-4

Entries

The nemesis came again

Marching in full force

Could it be over soon?

Could this war come full circle?

For years

I have did battle with it

The nemesis and I

Know each other well

Far too well, in fact

For all our conflict

Has led us to learn of the other's strength

And that of his weakness too

But time and again

I have proven resourceful

Wily and cunning

The nemesis

It learns

Years have flown by

And those years have done little

To whittle its strength

It becomes greater by the day

By the hour

By the minute

By every passing second

Slowly my will falters

With every passing moment

The poisons of the nemesis

Beginning to work

Their dark magicks

Walls crumble and fall

The nemesis pours his malice

His rage and fury

Through the cracks

His minions march relentlessly

While my men

Brave as they are

They are no match to something

Incomparable to the mortal soul

The nemesis knows it will win

But the question is:

When?

One last fortress stands now

The rest all but conquered

Under the banner of the nemesis

The mighty bastion

A firm testament

Of endurance, strength and determination

Manned by hundreds of thousands

Loyal men and women

Willing to give their lives

To defend what is dearest to us

All of us

I watch the horizon

The trails of smoke

Signifying the nemesis's army

Coming from the south

Approximately fifty kilometers

From where I stood

I couldn't help but wonder

What could I expect from this?

Defeat?

Victory?

"It's all up to you"

Says the stranger

Sipping on tea

With scones on the side

Watching the smoke plumes rise

From the campfire next to me

Wait

How is it that he's here?

"Don't you know me well enough by now?"

He grinned

As he always does

I saunter up to him

Troops passing me by

Engrossed with preparations

I take a seat next to him

And he proffers a scone

"It's tasty," he adds

I take one

Hesitantly

Before I open my m0uth to ask

He answers

"It's only a dream after all"

I blink

Is he speaking the truth?

"Of course!

How is it

That you're fighting off

An unspeakable evil

When you're actually

On a train ride

Going somewhere

In hopes of finding answers?"

I blink

He definitely is speaking truth

"What you face now,"

He continues

Another scone down

Sipping his tea

"This nemesis

I believe it's an extension

Of your dark side

Or something you've been hiding

What could it be?

I believe you should tell me that

What are you hiding?"

"My insecurities, stranger

My fears

My doubts

My despair

My loneliness

My...

Well

Essentially, my pessimism

No more, no less

The fight here is

More or less

A metaphorical description

Of the mental battle I wage

Likened to be a real conflict

And

I'm on the losing side"

I finish with a sigh

He offered another scone

As he thought

Of what he should say

It seems so easy

For one like him

To offer advice

"It's a war alright"

He looks around him

At the soldiers pacing up and down

A menagerie of veterans

And brave civilians

"I can imagine

The troops are your mental 'resolve'

The only thing standing

In fear's way

But...

For an army

It seems so insignificant"

"I've told you," I reply

"I'm on the losing side

My morale's never been this low

In fact

It's become a battle

Just to get through a day

Without any bruises or wounds"

"It's funny

You only found out

About your condition

Only days ago

And already you're giving up?

Are you kidding?

You're such a pessimist"

I hang my head

"If you didn't know already

I AM ONE

And there's nothing I can do

To change that fact"

"See a doctor first

Then talk

You haven't even started

And already you're complaining?

You're a joke, boy"

"Listen!"

I stand up in anger

The stranger gazes at me

Not surprised

Perhaps expecting my tantrum?

The others ignore us

As they continue to make ready

For the following

"If you were in my shoes

Then you'd understand

How I really feel"

"No matter how much

How much I fight

Every time I reach

A break through

The nemesis finds a weakness

And back it is to square one

He is anathema

The perfect embodiment

Of my worst nightmare

Everything goes down the drain

Everything

Everything!"

"How long have I been fighting now?

Too many years now!

All the conflict we've waged

Up until this point

I don't want to fight

I'm sick and tired

I'm weary and weak

I can't go on any further

I really can't

No more

Not anymore"

My shoulders stoop

The stranger keeps his eyes on me

He nods

"Then

I guess

This marks the end of my journey

With you, my friend

I cannot help you

Win this war

It is one

You have to win yourself

Thus

I wish you well

And I wish you peace"

He rises from his seat

Teacup still in his hand

Now empty

Pats my shoulder

And disappears

Klaxons blare

Someone in the distance

Screams in panic

Another shouts

The enemy approaches!

In the distance

Legions of the nemesis' men

March to claim victory

While in the fortress

Prayers

Tears

Farewells

Preparations

Weapon checks

The lot

The stranger is gone now

Forever?

Honestly?

I don't know

I'm lost now

The enemy approaches

And I worry

This battle may be my last

Fear not, friends

The entries will continue

So long as I live

But I live in the shadow

Of my own fears

And that of the nemesis

That lurks inside me

He taunts me all the time

Enticing me to fight on

Should I?

For too long now I've been fighting

I don't know what else

I have left in me

Maybe I've no other choice

But to finish this

And see how it ends

If I fall

Bury me in an unmarked grave

Somewhere on the outskirts

Close to nature

Have a small tombstone

And on it

Etch my epitaph

"If only I were better

Than who I was"

Send me a garland of flowers

Once a year

And remember me

For the little good that I've done

For you

If any at all

I pray that this is not the end